Rising from the Ashes of a Former Life
by NinjaKitten3782
Summary: Bella is severely depressed after a devastating accident; Edward is a pessimistic 372 year old rebel vampire. As friendship and obsession grow into love, Edward helps Bella overcome her crippling grief and teaches her how to live again. BxE,OOC,NC-17
1. Starting Over

**Hello all! Welcome to my first foray into fanfiction. Enjoy...**

**Disclaimer:** All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. I just like to take them out and play with them.

**Rated M:** For mature themes involving depression, attempted suicide, prescription drug abuse, and sexual situations that may not be suitable for minors, If you're underage, you probably shouldn't be reading this, but it's not like I can stop you.

* * *

**Chapter 1: Bella**  
**Starting Over**

I gripped the steering wheel – eyes closed – and took a deep, calming breath. _This _will _be ok. This _will _be ok. _I repeated the words over and over again. It was some 'mantra' thing my new therapist wanted me to try. He thought it might help me overcome my demons from the accident last July.

_July. _When my world had turned upside down and I had been ripped in half… but I couldn't think about that today. I couldn't lose what little control I had. Today was going to be hard enough without me having a huge emotional breakdown in the front seat of my car before the day even started.

Finally mustering up the strength to move, I stepped down from my car and walked toward the school. It wasn't anything like my high school back home in Phoenix. That had been a sprawling concrete monstrosity; Chugiak High (home of the Mustangs!) in bustling Chugiak, Alaska was its polar opposite in every way. Instead of being one large building, there were several smaller red-brick buildings that surrounded a pretty little courtyard covered in snow. At least, I suppose it might have been pretty had I bothered to take my eyes off of the ground long enough to look at it.

Pushing through the double doors of the main building, I took another deep breath and readied myself for the curious stares that I knew would be coming my way all day. He had been the outgoing one – the one with all the friends. I hated being the center of attention. And there was no better way to become the center of attention than transferring to a small high school mid-semester. Only 368 kids in the entire student body – not exactly the place you can get lost in a crowd. Nervously, I tugged my sleeves down over my palms. This action made me briefly relieved again that long sleeves were appropriate year-round in Alaska.

Ugh.

I was in my own personal hell.

The sounds of the school hit me like a freight train – kids laughing, talking, yelling, lockers slamming – it made me want to turn right back around and get back in my car. But I had promised my dad that I would at least make an effort. I wanted to show him that I was making progress – that I was trying… that it was working. I was determined to get him to quit worrying about me so much, hence my feeble attempt at school to pacify his mind. So, I made my way to the front office to get my schedule with my head down and my eyes on my shoes.

After the secretary handed me my schedule along with a map of the school (yeah, I wasn't going to stand out _at all_), I made one quick detour before braving the curious masses and heading to class. I felt the beginnings of my daily migraine start to pound behind my right eye near my temple, so I went into the girls' bathroom to take something.

Most girls bring make-up to school. I bring a pharmacy.

Unzipping my make-up case, I was faced with a choice. Imatrex or Excedrin Migraine? Inhaler or pills? Screw it all and numb my mind with a Vicodin or Fiornal? _Dammit. Stupid promise to my dad! _I took three Excedrin like a champ with no water (the recommended doses are just that – _recommended_) and used an Imatrex inhaler. Armed with enough prescription drugs to incapacitate an entire family of horses, I made my way to Building Five for homeroom with my head down and my eyes again on my shoes.

At this rate, I would have every scuff on my black Dr. Marten mary-janes burned into my memory by the end of the school day.

When I approached the classroom door, my chest tightened in a painful yet familiar way and my breathing grew shallow. _Shit. Shit. Shit. _I worked hard to control my breathing, '_In through the nose, out through the mouth. In through the nose, out through the mouth.' _I was just chock full of these fucking mantras. Ever since my… incident, I've been suffering from panic attacks. They can be brought on by pretty much anything, from changing schools to changing the channel on the TV, and once they start there's no going back. I just needed to take a few deep breaths and suffer through the pain. Lately, I have been trying to limit my stressors of as to avoid the attacks all together, but starting a new school was most definitely stressing me out. There was no avoiding this today.

My homeroom teacher, Mr. Reese, was a tall, thin, balding man wearing a sweater vest and wire-rimmed glasses. I mean, really. People like him were born to be high school teachers. He looked at my schedule and told me to take a seat without a second glance. _Thank GOD_, because I was still attempting to breathe my way through my daily feels-like-a-heart-attack-but-it's-not panic attack.

I sat.

He took roll.

I raised my hand.

People looked at me.

I cringed in my seat.

The meds kicked in.

I didn't relax.

The bell rang.

I assumed later on that my morning classes went well. It's not that I wasn't trying to pay attention, but I kept on zoning out – a remnant of my slight dependence on sleeping pills. Sure, they work, but I wouldn't exactly refer to myself as 'coherent' until well after eleven am. By lunchtime, I had only looked three people in the eye (the office secretary and two teachers) and had uttered a total of only fifteen words ('thanks' and 'here' being my most popular word choices of the day). I also had no idea what went on in any of my classes. Since no one had said anything or outwardly noticed anything wrong, I figured that I must be putting on a good show. _They'll just think I'm shy. Or mildly hard of hearing when I don't respond to questions. Whatever. _So even though I was in complete and total denial, I was still trudging bravely through my day.

After fourth period, I took another detour into the bathroom to pop a Klonopin before lunch. I didn't want to face the gawking crowds while in the grips of another panic-stricken frenzy á la homeroom. But when I closed and locked the stall door behind me, it dawned on me that I didn't really _have _to go to the cafeteria. For the past few months, I haven't really eaten much – so eating lunch wasn't a necessity – and it's not like they take attendance to ensure that you actually eat in the lunch room. So I spent my very first lunch hour at my new high school sitting inside a locked bathroom stall happier than I had been all day. _There is something seriously wrong with me._

After an hour, my serenity was interrupted when the bell rang signaling the end of lunch. I checked my schedule and saw that I had biology next period. Biology. A subject I had already taken in Phoenix. Apparently, students in Arizona take bio as sophomores but juniors take it in Alaska; the office staff hadn't taken that into account when they made my schedule. Honestly, I wasn't about to tell them. This year was going to be hard enough. Starting all of my classes in the middle of the term made for some serious make-up work, so having a class that I already knew would just take one more stressor out of my life.

Walking into the room, I immediately determined that this class would be problematic because I would have to share a lab table with some poor unsuspecting normal student. Working closely together on labs was definitely not going to be much fun for them given my propensity for complete and total silence.

Mr. Banner checked my schedule and pointed to the only seat left in the classroom – right next to a guy that looked like he wanted to be in school just about as much as I did. "Welcome to the class Miss Swan. Go ahead and take that seat over by Edward." "Thanks," I replied. That made sixteen words for the day. 'Lab table guy' didn't move to look at me; it was almost like he hadn't even noticed me sitting down next to him. Maybe this would work out. We could spend the entire year ignoring each other until we were forced to talk about Biology. Perfect.

'Lab table guy' – Edward, I guess – was incredibly pale like most of the residents here with reddish-brown hair that you could almost call bronze. His face was very classically structured with a long sloping nose and high cheek bones, kind of like a statue from ancient Greece or Rome. He was lean and muscular, like a distance runner, and from the way he seemed to be folded onto his seat I guessed he was pretty tall. He had a think silver hoop through his left earlobe and a silver bar through the cartilage on the same side. There were various silver hoops and studs going up his right ear, and the look was polished off with a stud going right through the middle of his lower lip. And the look on his face was so bored, that he basically looked like he couldn't give a flying fuck about anything or anyone. Again, perfect.

I would have immediately written him off as your basic slacker-type if it weren't for his clothes- he was wearing what appeared to be really expensive designer jeans, black leather shoes, and a long-sleeved button-up shirt that fit his frame nicely. I think it must have been this obvious dichotomy that made me really take notice of him; his style was so opposed to his attitude and body language (and, you know, the multiple facial piercings). He was the first student I had truly looked at since I walked in the doors this morning – if you had asked me anything about the kids in my other classes, I don't think I would have been able to answer a single question. For some reason, Edward seemed different.

Class went by agonizingly slowly. Mr. Banner was giving a lecture on cellular anatomy – something I had already studied in greater depth back home – so I placed my pen on my notebook and stared blankly toward the front of the room. I really did try to take some notes, but I ended up just zoning out. Near the end of class, I realized that I must not have been moving that much when my back started to feel stiff. I think it was the lab stools – they didn't have backs on them and I was kind of hunched over the table leaning on my elbows. Without thinking of the attention it would draw, I stretched my arms up over my head and arched my back to relieve the stiffness that had settled there. Edward noticed my movements and glanced over at me… and so did a few other kids. _Dammit. _I quickly returned to my prior position with my back curved down and my shoulders drawn inwards. I hated being noticed. Thankfully the bell rang then, saving me from dwelling on it further.

If I thought coming to a new school was hell, then my final class was most definitely its seventh circle. Gym. _God must hate me_. Brandon had been the athletic one – the star quarterback, the cross-country runner – I had always been the studious one. The clumsy, somewhat uncoordinated book worm who brought novels to her brother's football games because she didn't know what was going on. I wondered briefly if I could convince my new therapist to get me out of gym, but let that idea go almost immediately. He wanted me to become involved in my new school as much as possible; coming to him after one day and asking to get out of something would not go over well at all.

Coach Dyer let me sit out since it was my first day (hooray), but after class he led me to his office and provided me with my very own set of gym clothes so I could be prepared to endure the humiliation tomorrow. Short-sleeved T-shirts were required on the days we spent inside in the gym. _What? No! NO! Fuck! I can't! _I hadn't even thought of this. _But no one wears t-shirts in Alaska! _I wanted to scream this at him. My head began to spin at the mental image of me walking out of the locker room in that shirt. I almost threw up on him. This was something that would definitely have to be taken care of. Before tomorrow.

The walk out to my car after school was cold. Everything here was cold. Ice had crusted over my door handle while I was in school today and I actually had to chip it away before climbing up into the cab and starting the engine. My dad had gotten me a truck when I moved up here two weeks ago so I could drive myself on the icy roads. It was totally massive and I wasn't that great at parking it in between the lines yet, but I would be safe if I slid of the road in it for sure. I blasted the heater on high and started out towards Dr. Lavery's office. When I had seen him the previous Friday, he had essentially forced me to make an appointment for the afternoon after my first day in school here. I guess he thought I would want to talk about things.

I never wanted to talk about things.

~B~

"And how did our first day go?" Dr. Lavery's kind, fatherly eyes were fixed on me while I stared back at him like a sullen child.

"Fine."

"Good… good…" He liked to pretend that I was actually answering his questions instead of just putting him off. I had no idea why. "So there were no issues? No panic attacks? Nothing I need to take care of for you?"

"Um. Well… maybe."

"Just say the word my dear, I'm here to help you after all." He really was a nice man.

"Well… for gym… the shirts… they have short sleeves. It's embarrassing, you know… I can't… I mean… I don't want people… to know…" I let my rambling trail off.

"Yes, yes! Of course. I'll speak to the counseling office first thing in the morning. They are very discreet, so no need to worry about that." I swear this man could read my mind.

"Thanks."

"No problem at all! Now. Let's talk about your medications." The remainder of our session consisted of him asking me questions and me grunting back one word answers. Par for the course for us. By the end of the hour, he had determined that I was doing well on my current cocktail and I would be coming back to see him Wednesday afternoon after school.

"Thanks, Dr. Lavery," I mumbled as I moved toward the door.

"Have a good night and I'll see you Wednesday, ok? Call me anytime if you ever need anything!" he called after me as I opened the door into the rapidly darkening afternoon. I liked this guy. I mean, I wasn't planning on calling him but he didn't ride my ass about not spilling my guts like the last lady. It was nice.

~B~

I came home to an empty house. My dad was still at the police station until 5:30 and since he had never remarried, I was left to my own devices in his empty home. Only a few weeks ago, this would have been a seriously bad idea but I was doing much better now – or at least I liked to think so. Just yesterday he and I had a talk about it, and dad told me that he trusted me enough to be home alone and that as long as I honored that trust, we wouldn't have any problems. Mom would have found that impossible. I really did love my dad.

Dinner was held in comfortable silence. Dad hadn't ever been much of a talker and I stared blankly down at my plate while attempting to choke down the steak and mashed potatoes. I managed about half and put the rest in a Tupperware destined for dad's lunch at the station tomorrow – he would like that. When he was done eating, he went upstairs to change out of his uniform while I took the dishes and began washing them mechanically while staring unseeing out of the little window over the sink.

He came down a few minutes later in his flannel pajama pants and ratty old University of Arizona sweatshirt to start a fire in the living room fireplace. By the time I was done washing and drying the dishes – no dishwasher – he was settled in his recliner watching ESPN and drinking peppermint tea in front of a roaring fire. It looked so cozy in that little living room that I sat down next to the fireplace with my backpack and decided to lose myself in some school work before bed. I had a ton of work to catch up on.

Homework had always been an escape for me, and now was no different. If I could just concentrate on work for awhile, maybe I could forget the rest of my pathetic life. I pulled out my various books and syllabi to begin making a master list of everything I needed to get done if I was ever going to get caught up with my classmates. After about an hour I had an entire three notebook pages full of chapters to read, worksheets to fill out, and papers to write. _They've only been in school a month! This is fucking insane! _I felt more in over my head than ever. Shoving everything back in my bag to be dealt with tomorrow, I kissed my dad on the cheek and turned to go upstairs to take a shower before going to bed.

"Hey, Bells? I just… I wanted to say that I'm glad you're back in school. And here… with me," my dad wasn't that great with showing emotion, so this was going way over the top for him.

"Yeah dad… thanks. I'm glad I'm here too," and I was. He smiled up at me from his old leather chair and I made an attempt to smile back. It probably looked forced.

The upstairs was about thirty degrees colder than the living room had been, so I ended up spending a bit longer in the shower than normal in an attempt to make the heat last. It's not that we didn't have heat or anything, but for some reason that Alaska chill just came right through the walls. I toweled off, dried my hair thoroughly to prevent ice crystals from forming in the night, downed an Ambien with a small glass of water, and put on my most comfortable sweats that were about three sizes too big for me now. Once ready for bed, it was time for my nightly routine. Burrowing underneath the heavy quilts and blankets on my bed, I began to sob quietly while thinking about how I had come to be stuck in this godforsaken town to begin with.

**AN: **Kindly leave your thoughts if you feel so inclined.


	2. The Road to Denali

**Disclaimer:** All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. I just like to take them out and play with them.

**Rating Warning:** this chapter deals with extremely mature issues.

**Chapter 2: Bella  
The Road to Denali**

**Four months ago…**

…beep…beep…beep…beep…beep…

Slowly, my mind began to crawl out of a darkness I couldn't really describe. I wasn't able to open my eyes yet, but I could hear everything that was going on in my hospital room. I knew that my mom was sitting next to my bed – that was her foot tapping nervously on the floor. The door to the room opened, and I could hear swift footsteps approach the foot of the bed. My chart was pulled off of its hook – the doctor had come to check on me. My mother cleared her throat, "Doctor Grant, I still just don't understand why she won't wake up! You keep saying there's nothing wrong with her, that she didn't hit her head in the accident… and… with everything to arrange for her brother… I've been waiting for five days now… why? Why is she still here?"

"The only conclusion we can come to, Mrs. Powell, is that your daughter's mind has shut off in an effort to protect itself from the severe emotional trauma resulting from the collision," the doctor replied. "Think of it as an extreme survival instinct. _She_ was not greatly injured – a few cuts where the broken windshield got her – but nothing serious. I called a few specialists at John's Hopkins, and we are all in agreement on this. See, with twins… with twins sometimes the medical rules just don't apply. There are stories of twins who were adopted into different families at birth, and years later when one of them finally died, the remaining sibling suffered severe anxiety and emotional trauma from an unknown cause without ever having met their twin. That strong mental link between Bella and Brandon was severed. Traumatically. We have no way of knowing how that is going to affect her until she decides to wake up. And that, I'm afraid, is entirely up to her."

I heard my mother sigh in acquiescence while my thoughts again faded to black.

…beep…beep…beep…beep…beep…

**Three months ago…**

_I am dead inside. Hollow. Incomplete._

Life without Brandon was not exactly going well. It wasn't exactly _going_ at all. It had taken me ten days to wake from my coma after the accident. I hadn't even been awake to go to his funeral. My own brother. My twin. Since my mom brought me home from the hospital two weeks ago, I hadn't left my bedroom; I was a shell of my former self. Incomplete. There was a part of my consciousness that would always be gone – Brandon's half. The prospect of living out the rest of my life without the one person I had always had by my side was overwhelming. Every breath I took was suffocating me; I was drowning in my despair.

_I can't do this alone! You left me… why did you leave me here…why?_

I moved through my days in a fog – a feeling of utter hopelessness crushing down on me. I could only see one escape from this desperate life.

~B~

My decision made, I stepped into the shower letting the scalding water ease my tight muscles while washing away the wreckage that my life had become. Knowing I would never again be whole… I just couldn't live like that. Without him. I scoured my body, washed and conditioned my hair, and shaved my legs. When I had finished my routine, I grabbed my towel from the rack and dried off slowly – methodically – making sure to get every last drop of water.

I stood in front of my bedroom mirror wrapped in a towel, staring blankly at my reflection while I brushed through my long dark hair. As if on auto-pilot I sectioned it out, drying each thoroughly while styling it into long flowing waves. My lips were dry so I applied a light coat of cherry Chap Stick before walking back into my bathroom.

The bathroom was full of candles and I flipped the light switch off in favor of their flickering, ambient glow. I filled the tub with lukewarm water. My body cleansed from the steaming shower, I dropped the towel that I had been holding around it and lowered myself into the waiting bath. For a few minutes, I sat very still – not because I was rethinking my decision, but because I was _so sure _that this would end my nightmare, and this serenity was a welcome relief from the past weeks of torment. When it felt right, I moved my hand toward the sterile blade that was sitting within my reach on the side of the tub. Taking a deep breath, and feeling more at peace than ever, I placed the tip of the razor against the soft flesh of my wrist. I only had to apply the slightest bit of pressure before I felt the skin give way. The pain was sweet as it coursed through my veins. I could finally _feel_. Exquisite bliss.

I repeated the motion on my other wrist, replaced the blade on the side of the tub and let my arms sink like stones to the bottom. The water surrounding me was the most beautiful color of pink. Pale pink… and getting darker. So beautiful. My mom would cry. But she would know. She would know… that without him… I couldn't… be. I let my eyes slip shut. I wouldn't be incomplete anymore. My body felt as light as air, as though I was lifting out of the water. Peace. I smiled. For the first time in a month, I smiled.

~B~

_This is wrong._

My consciousness slammed into me with the destructive force of a wrecking ball. Pain ripped through my head. This was all wrong… I was supposed to be with Brandon now. My head was pounding and my wrists were throbbing and Brandon was still gone. I could feel my heart beat, hear the blood rushing through my ears and the ache in my head pulsed in time to its steady rhythm. _No! _This wasn't right. The pain should be gone.

…beep…beep…beep…beep…beep…

_What? NO! Not that sound! _I knew that sound, remembering it from my time in the hospital after the accident. _This isn't what I wanted!_ I wanted to scream. I wanted to sob. I wanted to die.

**Two months ago…**

"Alright, Bella. Let's try talking about your brother again. I understand the two of you were close."

"Yup."

My psychiatrist sighed audibly before continuing, "Bella, you have been coming to see me for three weeks now. So far you have not made one single effort to talk to me about what happened. I can see that you're hurting, but I can't help you if you won't let me."

"Sorry."

But I wasn't sorry. I wasn't talking about it because I didn't want to talk about it. Simple as that. Dr. Brevard and I had been at a stand-off for the past three weeks. She wanted to help me, I didn't want her help. All I wanted were her drugs. The anti-depressants were helping me make it through my long lonely days, and the sleeping pills had taken away the nightmares from my long lonely nights. I had started getting severe anxiety attacks. She gave me pills for those too… and the migraines. And I still had my pain pills from my many stays in the hospital. Mom thought I got rid of them. I lied.

If I was going to be forced to go through life without Brandon, talking about it wasn't going to help me. The ache would never go away… but the pills were enough to dull the pain.

**Two weeks ago…**

I was being exiled. Mom was sending me away. I knew that it was ultimately my fault – I had never let Dr. Brevard in, and I had shut my mother out. Mom was never strong, and I guess I finally wore her down. She just couldn't understand why I wanted to take away both of her children. Brandon was gone – buried – but I was still here, and when she had come in and found me all but dead in my tub she kind of freaked out. When the therapist told her that there might be too many things around Phoenix that reminded me of Brandon, her mind was made up. It was understandable, but I never thought she would go so far as to pawn me off on Charlie.

Charlie is my dad. My parents divorced when we were really young, and Charlie moved to Chugiak, Alaska to get away from everything that reminded him of my mother. Apparently, Alaska is where people in my family go to forget about unpleasant situations. Alaska! I spent my entire life living in the Valley of the Sun, and mom was sending me to a land of eternal winter. She had spent the past five days forcing me into various malls and department stores around town to build up my winter wardrobe. I spent the last five days in my own personal hell because I had to leave the house while outwardly trying to offer my opinion when she found something she liked for me. I had dropped two or three sizes since July, so I needed everything from jeans to new underwear. My favorite black Dr. Marten mary-janes were really the only item of clothing I had that still fit right. Those would definitely be coming to Alaska.

Phil – my step-dad – was finished loading the car, and I walked slowly down the front walk as though I were walking down the green mile to my death. The drive to the airport was strained and silent. I wasn't really sure what to say. _Sorry I tried to kill myself. I wish I could take it back. _But I had never been a good liar. I wasn't sorry about that. I was sorry that I had been caught. Our goodbye on the curbside at departures was tense and awkward. I think mom felt bad about making me go but she also knew this could be good for me.

The flight from Phoenix to Anchorage took two planes, an hour and a half layover in Salt Lake City, and nine hours actually in the air. Once I sat down in the second plane, I took a valium. I woke up on the runway in Alaska. From my seat by the window, all I could see in every direction were drifts of cold, white snow. Living my entire life in the American southwest, I had never really seen snow. It was falling gently from the sky – swirling to the ground in little white tornadoes. It was breathtakingly beautiful.

It was fucking cold as hell.

Stepping off the plane was like getting slammed in the face with a cement brick. The wind tore through my wool sweater as I struggled to shove my arms into the sleeves of my parka; the once beautiful snow was now painful as it pelted into my face like tiny frigid daggers. _People actually live here. I_ _actually live here. _This was like nothing I had ever imagined. This was awful. This was Alaska.

Charlie was waiting for me at baggage claim with a warm hug and a smile. "Hey Bells, sorry about the weather today. A storm blew in last night and that wind won't let up. Don't worry though; it's usually a lot calmer out there." _Oh thank GOD. Maybe I'll be able to leave the house after all._

"Hi, dad!" I tried to smile and sound enthusiastic when I greeted my father. It felt like I hadn't seen him in a long time, but he had been in Phoenix for Brandon's funeral and then come back after mom found me in the bathtub – both times I had been in the hospital. I guess a lot had happened since then. The suitcases from my flight started coming around the carousel pretty soon, and I showed Charlie which two were mine. He wouldn't accept my offer to help him carry them out to the car, which was fine with me since I was having enough trouble trying to carry my backpack and laptop case with my hands shoved in my pockets. Gloves were meaningless here.

Charlie was always a really outdoorsy guy, so when he made up his mind to leave Phoenix behind, he decided to move somewhere with lots of land to hike, lakes to fish and mountains to climb. He lucked out and got a job in the Chugiak Police Department – only about twenty miles south of Denali National Park – and had since moved his way up the corporate ladder. Now, my dad was Police Chief Swan to the good people of Chugiak as well as a long-time member of the local Men's Saturday Fishing Club (they also went fishing most Sundays as well as any other days they had off work). We drove up Glenn Highway away from Anchorage in his work-issue car – an older model Chevy Trailblazer with jelly jars on top and four wheel drive.

I hadn't been up to visit in a few years (and _never _in the winter), but not much had changed at all. The unmarked road to Charlie's house still didn't have a street sign which I always assumed didn't matter since no one in their right mind would vacation here and the locals already knew where it led. The wood-plank fence that surrounded his property was still missing a section on the north side by a huge fir tree; no one owned the land on the other side of the fence, so Charlie hadn't ever bothered to replace it. The only thing that was new was the cell phone tower I could see way out in a field to the west; that was good, I would be able to call mom without having to drive to town to get reception. Apparently modern conveniences really were making their way into every corner of the world, no matter how small the corner actually was.

His house was just as I remembered it. A two-story log cabin with a wrap-around porch complete with rocking chairs in the front and grill in the back. It was just so _Charlie. _The front room was full of plush furniture and a variety of quilts that the women of Chugiak had presented to him over the years. There was a kitchen and a living room on this floor also, as well as a 'mud room' where dad kept his hunting and fishing gear. Up the tight staircase were the two bedrooms and the bathroom. One bathroom. I had forgotten about that. _Fantastic. _This was going to be interesting.

**One week ago…**

Surprisingly, I was settling into my new cold lifestyle pretty well. Once the wind died down the cold didn't pierce through my clothes as badly, so I was able to start going outside in increasingly longer intervals before I lost feeling in my hands. Charlie was used to living alone, so my long silences were not scrutinized like they had been by mom. Since he wanted me to be able to get to school or town on my own, he had taken some money out of his savings account and bought me a huge used red Ford F-350 with snow tires. It was a beast. We practiced driving on snow and ice in abandoned parking lots until he felt I had the hang of it, and once that was done I had no more excuses for not going to school.

I had never started the new school year in Phoenix. Everything there reminded me of Brandon – the football games, his friends, the pity in everyone's faces – it was all about him. I told my mom that I just couldn't take it, and since I was barely able to get out of bed in the morning without losing it completely, she hadn't pushed it. Now though, I was expected to go to the local high school.

Of course, another one of my required activities was that I get a new psychiatrist up here. Charlie had found a guy who had an office right downtown which was convenient; I thought I might have to drive all the way to Anchorage three times a week to see someone, but Dr. Lavery had relocated to Alaska when his wife retired from teaching and he opened a little practice here to fill the time. He and his wife lived in the little apartment right over his office downtown, which was right on Main Street. I met with him a few times to get to know him and regulate my medication and he decided that I would start school on the following Monday. He thought I was ready. I thought he was crazy. He didn't want me to get too far behind since going to a new school was going to be stressful enough. He had a point.

It was going to be really hard going to a new school without the added pressure of tons of make-up work, and I had already missed four weeks. I'd become so reclusive in the past four weeks that I wasn't really that great at talking to people anymore so the kids would definitely think I was a total freak. Plus, Charlie was really well known in the community here, and I was sure people were already talking about the Police Chief's psycho daughter who had been sent away from civilization to recover from a failed suicide attempt and who would be going to school alongside their well-rounded, mentally healthy children. I was not looking forward to school at all. Not at all.

**A/N:** This was a tough chapter to write, especially the beginning. Feedback is greatly appreciated.


	3. First Sight

**Disclaimer:** All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. I just like to take them out and play with them.

**Chapter 3: Edward  
First Sight**

"Do you always have to be so moody? It's like having another sister!" Alice always complained that I couldn't muster up quite as much excitement as she could about… well… anything, really.

"I'm not moody, Alice. I'm brooding. Which is rather manly, thank you very much," I replied irritably.

"Whatever, Edward. Pretty sure that's the same thing."

I rolled my eyes. _So _not in the mood for this today. We were walking from our first period English class toward building three where I had history next and Alice had political science. It was bad enough that we had moved over the summer and were back in high school, but the fact that my siblings insisted on a daily basis that I try to brighten my mood was just annoying. If it wasn't Alice babbling on about what a downer I was, then it was my brothers – Emmett and Jasper – telling me I should just go get laid already. _What a fantastic idea! Why didn't I think of that? And while I'm at it, I could accidentally kill the poor girl. Spectacular. _

A family of immortal vampires living among humans, we were all outcasts anyways. I suppose I just chose to embody the role more thoroughly than the rest of the Cullen clan. For the most part, other kids avoided me like the plague which probably had something to do with my appearance – you know, multiple facial piercings, tattoo covered arms, sullen expressions and all that. Add in the fact that I towered over much of the student body at six-feet-three-inches tall and I made for quite a menacing sight. It was something I worked hard at, so the more people ignored me the more satisfaction I had. It just meant I was doing something right.

Not that I didn't have a healthy respect for personal style and fashion sense. Alice had a couple of degrees in design and fashion, so I let her dress me on a daily basis; it brought her immense joy that she had some control over my public image. Over the years, I had come to love my comfortable designer jeans and black Italian leather shoes. At first, I thought it might be too opposed to my harsh attitude, but honestly… I made that shit look good. Plus, Alice honored her promise and always stuck to black; today's special was a fitted black long-sleeved button-up that seemed to have been tailored to fit my body. I was somewhat disappointed that it would cover my tats, but I couldn't wear t-shirts every day in fucking Alaska. People would start to talk.

Alice was talking again, "…said that she tried to kill herself and her mom couldn't handle it. Her dad is Chief Swan – you know, the Police Chief – and I guess he said he would take her when his ex-wife didn't want to deal with her anymore. Which, I mean, is _so _sad. Can you imagine? How a parent can…" I let her drone on. How this girl could still find inane high school gossip interesting after hundreds of years was beyond me. Plus, only like ten percent of that shit was true. Ridiculous.

The rest of my morning went by in a mediocre blur: history pop quiz (nothing really changes since it already happened, and since I lived through a lot of it? Not real tough.), Advanced Calculus lecture (yawn), and a political science simulation that I pretended to sleep through (participation is highly overrated). After fourth period was lunch, the thrilling time of day where my siblings and I sat around staring at each other while pretending to eat real food. Honestly, it bordered on ludicrous. The only reason we actually insisted on attending school at all was to keep up with the social norms – when vampires duck out of society for too long, it becomes increasingly hard to assimilate back in. Could my life have become any more monotonous? I didn't think so.

Alice and Rosalie, my other sister, spent a majority of the lunch hour discussing the psychological ramifications of a parent abandoning a troubled child. Rose not only had a medical degree in psychiatry, but she had spent years specializing in the intricate relationships found between parents and their offspring. I was pretty sure she was trying to make up for the fact that she couldn't have any children of her own – being a vampire and all – but she wouldn't ever say. This new gossip was apparently centered on a new student that had just moved to town. They tried to find the new girl in the crowded lunch room to have some frame of reference as to who they were talking about, but she didn't show. Alice was disappointed. I could have cared less.

The bell rang signaling the end of our lunchtime performance, and I began to make my way to Biology. This was by far the worst hour of the day. Some of my classes, though ordinarily mundane, can surprise me – like English, or History. There are an infinite number of ways that a work of literature or a historical motivation can be analyzed and there have been times, over the years, that I actually enjoyed someone's off-the-wall viewpoint. But Biology? _Ugh. _I have a couple medical degrees, some microbiological research under my belt, and have been published under a pseudonym in the American Journal on Biochemical Research. There is literally _nothing _this school could teach me that I did not already know – or discover myself in decades past. I folded my tall frame down onto the lab stool and prepared myself for another hour of tedious boredom.

Then, the new girl walked in. _Holy. Fuck._

She was absolutely the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. Her long brown hair came cascading down in soft waves to the middle of her back, accentuating her petite waist and pert ass; she was perfectly proportioned. While she was busy hanging her parka up by the door, I took a minute to notice that she was wearing jeans and a long-sleeved black t-shirt with black shoes – we matched. I smiled inwardly at that little discovery. I watched as she made her way to Mr. Banner's desk at the front of the room, showed him her schedule and glanced quickly in my direction. My mind was working overtime trying to maintain an outward appearance of extreme boredom while my entire being rejoiced as I realized that she would have to sit next to me. No one else had wanted to be my lab partner this year (score one for the loner!) and it was the only empty seat in the room. I watched as her full pink lips moved to whisper, "Thanks," as the teacher motioned her towards my table. She took her lower lip into her mouth and bit down with her teeth, looking nervous and shy. _So gorgeous. _It was only then that I noticed her eyes.

Deep pools of liquid brown. But they didn't sparkle. All I could see in them was a pain that must have run so deep it had settled in her soul. She was broken. Something had hurt her. I immediately wanted revenge on whatever had done this to her. This reaction caught me so off guard, that I mentally took a step back. _Shit. Dude, let's think about this. I don't even know her name. What the fuck is wrong with me? _I don't think I had ever cared about anything or anyone so much in the many centuries I'd been alive, and I didn't even know this woman's name. That alone was enough to throw me, but I couldn't be upset about it. I was lost before this moment; I had been floating alone in the world for hundreds of years and the only woman that could anchor me just walked into my high school biology class. And I had no idea what the hell was going on.

Every nerve in my body was aware of the fact that there was an angel sitting next to me. She sat so still for the entire hour she could have passed for a vampire. The only thing that caused her to move was her deep, even breathing. Sitting in fifth period Biology class, listening to this siren breathe in and out – a reflexive action that she had absolutely no control over – was the single most calming thing I had ever done. For that brief time I was at peace. Of course, the hour that I usually found unbearably mundane flew by since I never wanted it to end. Near the end of class, she finally stirred. Her arms stretched to the ceiling and her back arched, pushing her perfect breasts out in front of her perfect little body. _Damn. _She was definitely trying to kill me. Her eyes briefly slid shut as she stretched upwards and her shirt lifted up a little at her waist and I could see her creamy skin and I wanted to reach my hand out to touch her and feel the heat of her body and _Christ_ her _scent_ and… _Stop right there! _If I were alive, I would have been hyperventilating. _Jesus Christ. _I literally almost jumped her in the middle of a high school classroom.

The bell rang then, ripping me out of my head. For the first time in over 350 years, I had to stay at my seat because my pants were a little tighter in the front than they should be. I faked looking for something in my bag so as not to draw attention to myself and when the pressure finally eased off, I rose swiftly and walked out towards the parking lot.

I decided to skip Spanish so I could sit out in my car and contemplate what the hell had just happened to me. Senora Jones wouldn't care; having lived for a couple decades in Spain in the 1800s, I had a far superior grasp on the language than she did. I spent the entire final hour of school staring unseeingly at my steering wheel, unable to get the picture of that beauty out of my head. Every time I closed my eyes I could only see her face, and when I opened my eyes I could almost imagine her pain-filled gaze staring back at me. It should have been unnerving – I'm not the kind of guy who obsesses over anything. Ever. But for some unknown reason, just seeing the image of her perfect face in my mind's eye was enough to soothe all of my fears and calm all of my nerves.

The sheer fact that I had called my life monotonous earlier today was laughable. I had gone from knowing my place in the world to becoming completely bewildered by everything I thought I had known in a matter of mere seconds. For three hundred and seventy years – give or take a couple – I thought that I was meant to be alone. It was ingrained it in my mind; I had structured my life around the fact that I would never find someone. A majority of the energy I expended on a daily basis was used up on keeping my life private and pushing people away, even my 'family.' The idea that I wanted someone – _truly_ wanted to _be with _someone – was foreign and unfamiliar.

~E~

Sometime later, I realized I was back in my room. I had the vague notion that my siblings had gotten in the car with me when school was out and I had driven them home. One of the more annoying things about being immortal is that our brains can comprehend much more information than our conscious minds can. In other words, I was so preoccupied by my new dilemma that I had literally driven from school to our home subconsciously. The first few times it happened I was completely freaked out, but now it was merely aggravating – I much preferred being in control of myself. But this matter – this woman – was consuming my entire being. _Fantastic. _I sighed.

Deciding that there was absolutely no way I was going to be able to stay at home tonight, I opened my window and leapt out into the night. Running had always been a way for me to clear my head, so I took off toward the Northwest Territory in Canada hoping to find some big game. If I would be facing this beatific creature on a daily basis in class I would need impeccable control over my desires and hunting was the best way to accomplish that. Two bears and hundreds of miles later, I had spent hours contemplating what she had done to me and was nowhere near an answer.

The only conclusion I was able to come to was that I wanted this woman with every fiber of my being. I wanted to be with her. I wanted to fix her. I wanted to know her story. I wanted to make her laugh. I wanted to make her come. I wanted to lose myself in her eyes. I wanted to lie next to her. I wanted to bathe in her scent. I wanted to see her smile. I wanted to _make _her smile. I _wanted _her. And that was terrifying.

_She is human._

I know that.

_You can't want her._

I didn't really have a goddamn choice.

_She is broken. You will just destroy her._

I know that. But… what if…

_No. _

What if I can save her?

_You will kill her._

Motherfucker.

I knew that ultimately, the intense desire that I held for her would result in me either killing her or changing her – both of which effectively ended her life. I could control myself around people 99.9% of the time – we all could – but there have been those few times that we let our instincts get the best of us. When we let our sexual lust transform into bloodlust. For me, the last time had been in 1848. Of course, once a vampire was mated the threat of actually killing someone decreased exponentially since there were no longer sexual relationships with humans. A single man, I was the most dangerous member of my family. And I was completely obsessed with a human.

_Motherfucker._

I don't know how long or how far I ran; I only know where I ended up. _Shit. Of course I would end up here. _I lay back on the snow and searched the sky for answers, but all I could see were those perfect pools of brown staring back at me from the stars. I lifted my head and looked down from the hillside at Chief Swan's cabin, trying to figure out how to be near her without assaulting her, killing her or scaring her. This was going to be a long year.

**A/N****:** So, if you haven't noticed, the attraction that my Edward feels toward Bella isn't as his prey, but as his perfect mate – his soul mate. (It is the opposite of SM's vampires with bloodlust being their most prominent desire and sexual desires being second.) She is the completion of him. Not only is he sexually attracted to her, but he is also attracted to everything about her. Her mere presence in the room is enough to calm him. He views her as a perfect specimen of the female form, seeing no faults in her physical appearance. There is literally nothing about her that he finds lacking. He is much older than the Twilight Edward making him much more experienced in life and more cynical in love.

Send some LOVE if you like the story… I won't know what you're thinking if there are no reviews!


	4. First Week Bella

**Disclaimer:** All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. I just like to take them out and play with them.

**A/N: **This is the remainder of Bella's first week of school - it picks up the morning after Chapter 1.

...read, _enjoy_, **review**...

**Chapter 4: Bella  
First Week**

**Tuesday…**

I groaned into my pillow when the alarm went off on Tuesday morning; it had suddenly dawned on me that I would be suffering through _a lot_ more days like yesterday. Like, almost two more whole school years worth. Reluctantly, I left the warm safe cocoon of my bed and stumbled to the bathroom – mornings had never been good for me before the sleeping pills and the effect was only made worse by taking them. One glance in the mirror made me want to crawl back under my covers and hide for the rest of my life. I fell asleep crying last night. There weren't just bags under my eyes, there was a whole set of luggage – and not the designer kind. _Ugh. Jesus. I am so screwed._

I ran downstairs to get some ice cubes in a washcloth and a glass of water. The ice was a last-ditch effort to fix my eye fiasco, and the water was so I could take my Effexor (for depression), three preventative Advil (for headaches), and a Klonopin (for anxiety attacks). That taken care of, I turned toward my closet to pick out what to wear today. This only took me about three minutes since I always wore jeans, my black Dr. Martens and a black top – today I chose a black merino wool sweater with a white button down shirt underneath. I was slowly discovering that the key to staying warm here was dressing in layers.

Grabbing my cherry Chap Stick from the dresser and stopping briefly in the kitchen for a dry piece of toast (Must Take With Food), I was prepared to suit up and scrape my car out of the inevitable crust of ice that had formed overnight. I donned my parka, my black wool hat, a pair of gloves, a pair of mittens over the gloves – _layers_ are the key – and was out the door with time to spare. All of this preparation turned out to be needless, however, when I discovered that Charlie had already scraped all of my windows and dusted the new snow off of the roof and hood. I really did love my dad.

This unexpected gift from Charlie brought relief as well as a twinge of dread – yeah, I didn't have to jack around with the ice scraper for twenty minutes, but what was I going to do with twenty extra minutes at school? I contemplated this dilemma while the cab was heating up and decided to stop at the gas station for coffee so I could potentially stay lucid this morning during my early classes. One cream, two sugars and fifteen minutes later I was sitting in the parking lot of the school sipping my hot coffee and trying to judge how long it would really take me to get from my car to my locker and then to class. Sighing deeply, I grabbed my bag and trudged onward into my day.

The morning went by with only one minor glitch. My English teacher asked me to stay after for a few minutes to discuss when I would turn in my make-up work: read a book, write a paper, and take a quiz and test. I stared at her blankly and mumbled, "um… soon?" A knowing look flashed briefly in her eyes, followed by pity. _Spectacular. That's my favorite._ She told me to take my time doing the work. I followed up our little encounter with another Klonopin.

It's not that what she did caused me to freak out, it was just… _that _was why I wasn't looking anyone in the face here. That was why I didn't want to be noticed. It was enough that this town was so small that everyone knew why I was here. That alone was embarrassing. I didn't want to see the pity in their eyes – or the understanding that they 'knew what had happened.' They didn't know shit. They knew absolutely nothing about me and it irritated me to no end that everyone thought they could make me feel better or fix me. _I can never be fixed._ But that Klonopin sure was helping me forget.

Feeling slightly braver than I was yesterday after fourth period – probably because I had already taken my daily allowance of anxiety pills and it was only 1:15 – I decided to actually attend lunch today. The cacophony coming from the general direction of the lunch room made me cringe, but I forged ahead. Who knew when I would be brave enough to do this again? My heart started beating erratically when I got inside the doors, because I knew I was going to have to look up to find a seat and I would finally be faced with all of the prying eyes I had avoided so well yesterday.

Cautiously, I raised my gaze and scanned the perimeter of the room while trying desperately not to focus on any one person. There were a few empty tables over in one corner; I quickly dropped my eyes to the floor and headed over in that direction. The seat I chose was at the end of a long table facing away from the wall – I didn't want to be surprised by someone coming up from behind me – and about as far away from the rest of the student body as I could be. There was only one other group of kids over in this secluded corner of the room.

Two tables down from me, at the farthest end of their table as well, were 'lab table guy' and four other students. Each of them was unique in their own way; however, they all kind of looked alike with pale skin and classic features. I figured they must be his siblings. _Outcasts, just like me._ I dropped my gaze almost immediately and drew a textbook out of my bag. I decided that if I looked busy enough, no one would try to talk to me. It worked – success! I would now be able to attend lunch. Sure, I looked like a total loser sitting by myself reading, but at least I wasn't locked in a bathroom stall. That had been totally pathetic – even for me.

About two minutes into Biology I learned that it was a lab day, which immediately caused all of the blood to drain from my face. I was going to have to interact with Edward. For an hour. As Mr. Banner began to explain what we would be doing, my heart sunk; this wasn't just a 'share the microscope and report your findings' lab, this was a 'share the microscope, discuss what you see and turn in one lab report for both of you' lab that did not allow for individual work. _Well shit. _

As everyone began talking, I turned to look toward Edward but couldn't meet his eyes. "Hi. I'm Bella," I managed. That was friendly enough, right? It's not like we would ever be anything more than lab partners. I was most definitely not at a point in my life when I was looking for a boyfriend and he was nothing that I would be interested in anyways. He was pierced… and tattooed, I noted glancing over at his arms in a short sleeved shirt. _How is he not freezing to death?_ Totally not my type. Not that I was looking.

"Nice to meet you, Bella. I'm Edward. Edward Cullen." His voice was like velvet. It _so_ did not fit his image.

_Seriously? Is that like 'Bond. James Bond'? _"Hi."

"Ladies first," he spoke softly while pushing the microscope in my general direction.

I glanced into the lens briefly, "Prophase." Piece of cake. I had done this lab before.

He looked in as well. "Mmm-hmm," I could barely hear his confirmation of what I said. _Dude. What the fuck? I'm not an idiot. _The old me would have given him a dirty look seething with condescension; the new me sat there and let it go. _Wimp._

He looked in the microscope next, "Anaphase." _How do I know _you're_ right? I don't. _But since I'm too much of a wimp, I didn't say anything and we passed it back and forth until we had identified all of the slides. I was proud of myself that I hadn't really spoken more than ten words when he turned to me and said, "Um, alright. It says we are supposed to talk about the phases we looked at and describe the differences we saw that made us draw our conclusions."

I looked up at him in horror. It was the first time I actually looked him in the face, and I immediately noticed that his eyes had little flecks of gold in them. He was looking at me with an expression that was some combination of sarcastic, exasperated and… amused? _What the hell is so amusing about Cellular Mitosis? _But he looked down at the worksheet briefly, and when his eyes returned to mine all I saw was the bored exasperation so I guessed I must have hallucinated the amusement. Strangely, I found comfort in his obvious lack of enthusiasm. He didn't want to be doing this lab any more than I did, so we could suffer together.

I managed to discuss biology with him for about ten or fifteen minutes. As long as we kept the topic on schoolwork, I was able to concentrate solely on that and not on the fact that I was willingly opening my mouth and words were coming out. Once the lab was done, however, I shut down. _What if he wants to keep talking? Not going to happen. _I stared down at my notebook in complete silence for the rest of the period. Edward didn't say a word – he just flipped his pen in between the fingers of his right hand in a gesture of boredom and stared straight ahead until the bell rang. In a moment of relief at his obvious lack of desire to get to know me, I almost smiled. '_No strings attached' lab partners. Ha. _The old me would have found that hilarious; the new me merely sat and stared at my blank notebook page until the bell rang at the end of the hour.

_The bell… oh no. Gym. _I had been successfully blocking this from my mind all day. There was no way I was going into that gym with the scars on my wrists showing. No way in hell. I would rather fail the class and have to drop out of high school for failing gym than have people stare at the fucked up physical expression of my emotional pain. I slowly made my way to the locker room, found a secluded corner where no one else was changing and proceeded to layer up. Having to wear a long-sleeved black t-shirt underneath my gym shirt made me both more and less self-conscious at the same time; I was more aware that people were staring at me since I was obviously out of uniform but on the upside, no one was looking at my wrists. And Coach Dyer never said anything, so I assumed it was kosher – not like I was going to discuss it with him anyways.

I had to play volleyball, which went about as poorly as I had expected. Once my teammates realized that I was not going to look at them or talk to them or actually try to hit the ball, it was as if I wasn't even on the team. The one time that I had to hit the ball instead of it hitting my face, it went horribly out of bounds and hit Coach Dyer on the right shoulder. I felt my face blush crimson. I wanted the floor to swallow me up. He looked up at me as if to yell, but once he saw my look of utter horror his eyes only registered pity and understanding as he threw it back to the more adept players. This truly was the seventh circle of my own personal hell on earth.

After gym, I waited in the locker room until most of the girls had gone before changing into my school clothes. It took me awhile to find the motivation to leave the bench near the lockers – I just… didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to go to my locker with all of the kids in the hall at the end of the day. I didn't want to walk out to my car in the snow. I didn't want to wait for the cab to heat up. I didn't want to sit in the traffic line at the parking lot entrance. I didn't want to go home yet. I didn't want to stay here. I didn't want to _be _anywhere. I felt restless and irritated and angry and impatient and annoyed. I wasn't comfortable in my own skin. My muscles twitched. I couldn't shake it off. I wanted to be anyone else. Anywhere else. …I took a valium.

**Wednesday…**

Homework had not occurred last night. Once I made it home, I told Charlie that I was just really tired from having to go to school and deal with everything and I went right upstairs to my room. He looked like he completely believed me, so of course I felt like a total ass. Truthfully, the valium was making my head swim and I just wanted to lie down and sink into oblivion. It was wonderful. I immediately fell into a peaceful, dreamless sleep.

Of course, falling asleep in the afternoon resulted in waking up exceedingly early in the morning. When my eyes finally focused on the clock and registered that it was three thirty in the morning, I desperately tried to fall back asleep. That wasn't going to happen after almost twelve hours of sleep. Finally giving up around four am, I turned on my light and began to work on last night's homework; I actually managed to get it all done as well as some of my make-up work. This even left me with plenty of time to shower and dry my hair – something I generally did at night in favor of a few extra minutes in bed in the morning. Effexor. Klonopin. Imatrex. The rest of my morning went much the same as the day before – Charlie had scraped my truck, the gas station still had its unending supply of semi-crappy coffee and my classes bored me to near tears as the work piled on. Three Advil.

The only class I was dreading slightly – other than Gym of course, which was the bane of my entire existence and I far as I was concerned the inventor of 'gym' could burn in hell for all eternity – was Biology. I was almost positive that my silence following our lab work yesterday would be enough to convey my lack of desire to become friends, but I wasn't completely sure. Thankfully, he only glanced briefly at me as I took the seat next to him and proceeded to zone out completely for the rest of the hour. I gave a huge sigh of relief in my head.

Gym was… gym.

~B~

"Hi Dr. Lavery."

"Ah, Bella! Right on time as always," he was looking up at me from behind bifocals while seated at his enormous ancient oak desk. "How's the week going so far?"

"Um… fine." What exactly was I supposed to get out of therapy?

"No issues with the t-shirts?"

"Nope. It was fine."

"Excellent. Okay. I wanted to run something by you today. It's not a big deal, but I just want to lay it out there so, when you are ready, you know you can come to me." _Uuuugggghhhh._ "Now. I know that the anti-depressants they gave you in Phoenix are working. But the truth is that they are supposed to be taken in conjunction with therapy. Which, granted, you have been coming to. But I feel as though you aren't making a true effort to overcome and accept what happened to you. The medications will only mask these feelings as they fester and get worse. I understand that you are not ready to talk about the accident or your brother or what you tried to do to yourself. And that is ok. I don't want you to feel rushed. But eventually… eventually we will need to deal with those feelings and emotions. You see what I mean? Think of the Effexor as a band-aid, and you have a broken leg. It's not a complete enough treatment on its own." He was looking at me with his kind, fatherly eyes and he just looked so… he really wanted me to get better. I could tell. And I couldn't lie to him. I couldn't brush him off with sarcasm.

"I know." I looked him straight in the eye. I _knew _I wasn't getting as much out of this as I could be. But, I just… I mean… Brandon was _gone_. Nothing was going to change that. Talking about it wouldn't bring him back. I accepted that. _He isn't coming back. _But I knew who I wanted to talk to about it. I wanted to talk to Brandon.

"Okay. Let's talk about the positive reinforcement mantras I wanted you to try. How are those working out? Are they helping with the panic attacks?" I sighed inwardly. This was going to be a long hour.

~B~

Back at Charlie's house, I ran straight up to my room and grabbed a shoebox out from under my bed. Inside were over 25 bottles of prescription drugs. Effexor. Valium. Vicodin. Hydrocodone. Klonopin. Ambien. Prozac. Tylenol 3 with codeine. Elavil. Fiornal. Xanax. Demerol. Imatrex. Imatrex inhalers. Percocet. I started feeling guilty. Dr. Lavery only knew about three or four of my various medications. Before leaving Phoenix, I had filled and refilled some prescriptions from my old therapist and then done the same with my pain medications from the hospital. At the time, I didn't even know why I was doing it, but now… they were my only comfort in this fucked up life. I knew that there were some that I probably shouldn't be mixing… and there were even some that I wasn't actually taking, but just knowing that they were here… knowing they could help me forget… that's where the comfort came from.

It had always been easy for me to block unpleasant things from my mind. I could compartmentalize and shift my focus and ignore the distasteful aspects of life. But, this became exceptionally more difficult once those painful things were things I didn't want to forget. I didn't want to forget Brandon's laugh or his smile or his sarcastic eye roll when I was being stupid or the way he used to wake me up slowly in the mornings because he knew I hated both mornings _and_ alarm clocks or how fiercely protective he got when my ex-boyfriend broke up with me because I wouldn't give it up. Those were things that I couldn't block out; they were too much a part of me. So the pills made that go away. They numbed me. And it wasn't good, but it was better… better than crying every day and wanting to die… I guess.

Two hours later, Charlie found me staring forlornly at my carpet with dried tears on my cheeks. "Bells?" he asked softly from my doorway, "Are you okay?"

My immediate reaction was to frantically look around for my ludicrously over-medicated shoe box, but I had already shoved that back under the bed. So I looked up into his face prepared to lie and tell him I was fine. But his eyes were worried – probably because I was home by myself crying alone on the floor – and I just couldn't lie to my dad. "I just… I just miss him… _so much_," was what finally tumbled out of my mouth.

"Oh… honey… I know you do." He walked over to me, picked me up like he used to when I was a little girl and wrapped his arms around me in a huge, warm dad-hug. I heaved an audible sigh and let myself be surrounded by his love and support. "Come on, sweetheart. Let's go make dinner… I'll help tonight."

"okay." My voice sounded so small.

Having Charlie in the kitchen with me definitely helped me feel less abandoned and alone, and dinner was quiet but nice. Of course, I could barely eat half of my enchiladas, but that just meant Charlie would have a much better lunch tomorrow. I did the dishes by myself while Charlie got the living room ready for our new nightly ritual in front of the fire: he watched ESPN or whatever sporting event was on that evening while I read and did homework. Around ten thirty, I packed up my bag for tomorrow and went upstairs to shower and get ready for bed.

My shoe box of fun was right where I left it. I pulled it out again to examine the contents and refill my portable pharmacy for school. I was almost out of Klonopin which might be problematic since I still had two weeks until it would be available for refill; I added some Xanax to my bag for emergency situations at school. The valium was good at stopping panic attacks in their tracks, but it wasn't good to take it at school like I had the other day. My ridiculously large truck was definitely considered heavy machinery, and I totally shouldn't be operating it while on valium. I filled the rest of my pill case, and shoved the box underneath my bed. Ambien.

**Thursday…**

I turned in some make-up work on Thursday, which made a sizable dent in the list of stuff I had to do. I suppose finishing some of it should have made me feel somewhat relieved… it did not. If anything, I was feeling defeated. Overwhelmed. Uninterested. Apathetic. I went to my classes and even paid attention and took some notes, but I just couldn't… _UUUUGGGGHHHHHH! I WANT TO SHAKE THIS FUNK! _I wanted to run outside and scream at the top of my lungs in the parking lot. I wanted to curse whoever set this _plague_ on me. _WHY CAN'T I BE HAPPY? _What was so wrong with me living a normal life? What had I done to deserve this goddamn half-life? It wasn't even worth _living_, but I couldn't even care enough to want to kill myself anymore. _This is ridiculous! _

It didn't help that I had to call my mom after school, which was the equivalent of me just _asking_ for a panic attack. I decided to call from the parking lot at school – Charlie did have a cell phone tower near his house, but it only worked really well from the porch. It was just too damn cold to stand outside to talk to my mom. I cranked up the heat in the cab, took a deep breath and dialed her number.

She wanted to know how the therapy was going and whether or not Charlie and I were getting along. _Better than I was getting along with you._ "Everything is fine, mom. Dad's been really great." _He actually cares about me enough to do things like scrape my car instead of losing it and banishing me to an ice-encrusted wasteland. _"School's fine too." _Even though it makes me want to bash my head against a wall until I slowly lose consciousness. _"No. No friends yet." _Even if I had the desire to talk to anyone, they all think I'm a psychotic freak who was sent to their little town after a massive nervous breakdown. So that's nice. _I tuned out a bit of the conversation where my mom talked about her own life. Not that I didn't care, but it didn't really affect me anymore and I found it tedious. I could hardly muster up enough enthusiasm to get out of bed in the morning, let alone to care where she and Phil were going on vacation for the holidays. I sighed. Audibly. _Oh crap._

"Bella. If I am boring you, just let me know."

"No… no mom. I'm just kind of worn out. It's been a long week."

"It's only Thursday."

"It's Thursday night… almost Friday. This isn't easy for me."

"You think it was easy for me to let you go?" There was an agitated edge to her voice.

"That's not what I said, mom. Listen, I should go. I can't talk on the phone and drive on the snow at the same time."

"I see. You didn't have to call me if you didn't want to talk to me."

"That's not what I said! It snowed today! The roads are dangerous and I want to get home." This was true. I should not be driving on unsafe roads while on my phone.

"Alright. Fine. Next time maybe call me when you have time to talk so you're not cutting me off on purpose."

"Fine."

"Call me next week."

"Okay."

"Bye."

"Bye."

I sat for a few minutes staring at my dark cell phone screen. How the _fuck_ did she manage to make me feel guilty? I was the one who was sticking to our schedule by calling her. She still hadn't called me once. Okay, so it was totally my plan to use the "I have to drive home now" excuse, but at least I called! She was going to drive me crazy. _I am already crazy!_ Shouldn't she be worried and caring and concerned for my well-being like Charlie? What was with the attitude? Did she think I wanted this to happen to me? _I am a SHELL of the person I was. _

I managed to drive home without intentionally running my truck off of the road. After that conversation with my mom, I considered this a victory. I decided to make something absurdly complicated for dinner to take my mind off of the tightening in my chest. After going through the refrigerator and cupboards though, I had to settle on lasagna from scratch and an intricate salad; apparently Charlie didn't keep fresh eggplant on hand. _Who knew?_ I put the water on to boil for the noodles and turned my concentration to chopping my salad ingredients into perfectly sized morsels.

Sitting by the fire three and a half hours later, I still had not read one single word of any of my assignments for the night. I couldn't stop my mind from reliving that conversation with my mom. Something about it just set me off. I was angry… I was devastated… I was confused… I was hurt… I was totally pissed off. I knew this wasn't easy for her. She lost her son. But she was acting so selfish… like I wasn't hurting just as much as she was – pretty sure I couldn't have been more obvious about how much pain I was in. Just thinking about it had me tugging my sleeves down over my palms nervously. Plus, she had someone to talk to… someone to fall back on. She had Phil. I had no one. Sure, Charlie was great, but we weren't _that _close since I never lived with him growing up. I felt so alone.

**Friday…**

By lunchtime on Friday I was pretty sure I had overdosed on Klonopin. I'm not even sure if it's possible, but I had definitely managed it. After talking to my mom yesterday and getting nothing done last night, I was freaking out. _Just_ a bit. I was supposed to take a maximum of two pills a day _as needed_ for anxiety, and I was already at four. To say that the day was going poorly was an understatement. Taking too many Klonopin was apparently equivalent to taking a muscle relaxer – I was lightheaded, loopy, and totally apathetic about everything going on around me. I tried to eat my lunch so I would have some food in my stomach, but I just wasn't that hungry. I managed a few bites and put the rest away for later… or never… whatever.

By the time lunch was over, I was seriously contemplating just not going to class for the rest of the day. Maybe interacting with others in this state of mind wasn't such a great plan. I decided to at least go to Biology and see where that led – it was a real class with a real lecture. In the event that I decided not to go to gym… _oh who am I kidding?_ I wasn't going to gym. I would start my weekend early, go home for a nap to hopefully sleep of this haze and spend the remainder of the weekend in my room doing homework. _Damn, I'm __**so**__ cool._

Feeling kind of giddy, I made it into the room and perched on my lab stool. _I hope today isn't a lab day. I shouldn't be talking to ANYONE. _But Mr. Banner had something else up his sleeve. Starting next week in class, we would be discussing DNA. For the remainder of the term, we would be working on group projects two days a week in class – and then on our own time over the holiday break. They were to be turned in following our return to school in January. Topics would be chosen on Monday. Our groups were our lab partners.

"Oh _fantastic_," I muttered sarcastically under my breath. "That's just fucking great." I hoped I wasn't saying that too loudly. My inner monologue had temporarily broken, but I had taken so many anti-anxiety pills that I really didn't give a shit.

No one but Edward seemed to hear me, and he slowly turned his head in my direction. I sneaked a glace out of the corner of my eye to see if I had offended him, but his lips were twitching as though he were trying not to smile. His eyes were dancing with laughter – at least he found me humorous. Looking at him, I just shrugged a little. _Sorry, but it's true. Someone had to say it._ I fought the urge to put my head in my hands and groan. I was positive I would be unbelievably embarrassed about this little exchange later. Thankfully, Edward turned back to Mr. Banner and listened to the lecture for the rest of the period.

The end of class could not come soon enough; just knowing I was going home after this made me impatient as fuck. I wanted to get out of this hell-hole for a well deserved two day break from everything and everyone. I wanted to curl up in my bed and never have to come back here again. I even considered taking another Klonopin. _Horrible idea. …but tempting…_ Crap. No way was I going to turn into a full-on, drug-dependent psycho. My leg was bouncing up and down nervously awaiting the end of class. Now both legs were bouncing. My pen was tapping. I couldn't stop fidgeting. I bit my nails…

_**Bell.**_

I ran for the parking lot.

_Freedom. _

**A/N: **I won't know you like it if you don't tell me... :o)


	5. First Week Edward

**A/N: **This is Bella's first week from Edward's POV. It may help to go back and read her chapter (4), because the way they see the same scenarios is quite funny at times, especially in class on Wednesday… I'll just leave it at that.

And as always… read, _enjoy_, **review!**

**Chapter 5: Edward  
First Week**

**Tuesday…**

I was standing behind a large clump of fir trees near Chief Swan's property like a goddamn stalker, trying to get a glimpse of the brown-haired angel before school. _I am __**so**__ fucking creepy right now. _But I couldn't bring myself to be embarrassed about lurking outside in the snow for a few hours; I was much too excited at the prospect of seeing her face again to care. Just an hour before I had watched while her father came out to get his car started, and was pleased when he took the time to scrape all of the ice off of her truck as well. It was good to know that this man was taking good care of his daughter – her eyes told the story that she desperately needed someone to watch over her.

When she finally emerged from the house my eyes were riveted on her perfect face. Her eyes were tired like she had just gotten out of bed, which made her look even sexier if that were possible; I could only imagine what it would be like waking up to those bedroom eyes every morning. My mind began racing with all of the possibilities resulting from her being in my bed until I had to actually adjust myself. _Shit. _I would definitely not get keep her safe thinking thoughts like that.

I was so preoccupied by my distinctly depraved mind that I almost missed it – as she looked up at her waiting truck, her eyes flashed with confusion… and then love. Briefly, so briefly that if I hadn't been obsessing over her expressions I may never have noticed, her eyes shone with all of the love she had for her father. It was breathtaking; well, if I needed to breathe it would have taken my breath away that is. For that short moment, all of the pain she harbored behind those deep brown irises was replaced by something so pure – so goddamn innocent – that it could only be mistaken for the unconditional devotion that a daughter has for her father. Immediately though, it was eclipsed by something else… dread? But I had seen it. I had seen what her eyes would look like without the demons that she clung to so desperately, and it was glorious. I wanted her to look at _me_ that way.

I couldn't move. Long after her truck drove down the road, I stood as still as a statue staring at the place she had been as though she would miraculously reappear. Eventually though, I ran back to my house with barely enough time to throw on a black t-shirt with the jeans I had worn yesterday, jump in the front seat of my car and drive my siblings to school. Vampires don't sweat, so it's not as gross as it sounds. Alice of course wanted to know what my problem was, "Where were you this morning? And what was up with you last night? I didn't hear you come in… did you even come home?" Her question trailed off suggestively.

"Leave it, Alice," I practically growled at her.

"UGH! Don't be that way today, Edward," she replied with a roll of her eyes. "I was hoping maybe you finally got some."

I heard Emmett's distinct laughter from the backseat, "Yeah, we were all hoping you got some. It's been way too long, man. I don't know how you do it. I _know_ I couldn't go that long without Rose." I could hear him reaching over to Rosalie and giving her a long, slow kiss.

"Knock it off guys." Thank God we were in the parking lot of the school already, or I would have completely lost my temper with them. It wasn't as though I could just go screw around with any human – not that I would ever really want to. That just wasn't my style. There had been many women over the years, of course – I _was_ 372 years old after all. I just… couldn't find fulfillment in relationships that I had to end either because she was getting too attached or because my bloodlust got so strong that I wanted to kill her. That was a fire I just didn't like fucking around with.

I spent a majority of English trying to ignore Alice and her feeble attempts to cheer me up, which culminated in her passing me a note containing a little cartoon Edward stalking a moose. It had the caption, 'Let's go hunting tonight… I know you can't pass up a midnight snack!' beneath it. Having taken so many design courses, as well as having the steady hand of a vampire, her caricature was a spot on depiction of me and the moose looked real enough to eat. Sighing as I gave up, I threw her a half-assed smile and a nod; she was almost bursting with excitement that she had gotten that out of me. It wasn't fair though – hunting was our one major weakness. She had cheated.

The end of fourth period couldn't come fast enough – I spent all morning wondering whether or not the new girl would make an appearance today at lunch. As I walked a little too quickly to the lunch room I hoped no one would notice my vampire speed, but I was too excited at the prospect of seeing my new obsession to care. My family usually beat me to our table since I found the lunch hour to be packed full of tedium, but today I was there before them. Alice and Rose gave me a weird look when they came in but I just shrugged it off and slouched down in my chair; Emmett and Jasper didn't even know I was there because they were talking about Friday's upcoming home football game in detail and I could care less about sports. I tuned everything out and stared at the doors as though I could will her into existence if I focused hard enough.

All of my waiting was worth it when the doors opened and she walked through them. _Fucking perfection_. I listened to her heart as it fluttered irresistibly in her chest – she was nervous about something. Her expression was worried as she quickly scanned the crowded room for a place to sit, then her gaze dropped to the floor again and she started making her way over… in my direction? She sat two tables away from me in my direct line of sight. I could not have planned it better. I spent the entire hour of lunch staring at her perfect lips; they were just so damn kissable. I even felt my hand reach towards my own lips at the thought.

"Dude, what's up with the new girl," Emmett had finally noticed I was actually at the lunch table.

"Hmmmm?" I answered as he drew me out of my head.

"The new girl. You're staring at her."

"No, I'm not. I was just thinking about some stuff."

"Yeah, ok," he definitely did not believe me, but he let the subject drop. _For now_, his eyes said.

Lunch was over entirely too soon, but the bell couldn't ring fast enough. I was enjoying watching her from afar where I couldn't pose any threat to her life or her sanity, but at the same time I was rejoicing at the thought of sitting next to her for an hour and basking in her mere presence. My desire to be nearer to her won out and I hurried to get to the classroom before her so I could watch her walk in the room.

She took her coat off at the door revealing her ridiculous body. I swear to GOD she was the fucking hottest thing I'd ever seen. And I've been around for a long, long time. When she turned to hang up her coat, she had to reach up to get to the hook on the wall and her shirt lifted a bit at her waist again and I was done for. Her hair hung loose again around her shoulders framing her perfect face. She wore no makeup. She didn't need makeup; it would have only marred her beauty. I was captured. She totally and completely owned me.

Within minutes of Biology starting, Mr. Banner announced that it was a lab day and began passing out microscopes. I silently rejoiced. I would have an excuse to speak to this angelic creature. I turned toward her, searching her face with my eyes and waiting for her to start the conversation – she was obviously uncomfortable around people and I didn't want to overwhelm her. The blood had actually drained from her face. She raised her eyes nervously in my direction, but couldn't meet my gaze. In fact, she seemed to be studying the tattoos on my arms which were exposed today since I was only wearing a t-shirt. When she finally spoke it was as though angels were calling to me from on high, "Hi, I'm Bella."

I could barely speak; my mind was a total blank. Her voice had literally stunned me. _Bella._ The Italian word for beauty was the most perfect name for this earthly angel. Even with all of my extra vampire brain power, I still couldn't come up with the words to reply to her. I was too preoccupied with studying the contours of her mouth, the lines of her jaw and the way her sweater clung to her body in just the right places. I finally managed, "Nice to meet you, Bella. I'm Edward. Edward Cullen," and hoped that the amount of time that had actually passed was little enough that she hadn't noticed my delayed response.

"Hi." Apparently, I avoided detection.

She paused then, as if she didn't know how to continue the conversation so I loaded a slide and pushed the microscope over to her side of the lab table. "Ladies first," I spoke in what I hoped was a soft, nonthreatening voice.

She barely glanced at the slide that I had loaded before claiming that it was prophase, so I took a quick glimpse into the lens to confirm. The look on her face was priceless. She was visibly angry for split second that I had checked on her work. _So, she's feisty. Fuck… that's so damn hot. _This time, instead of letting my mind get carried away with all of the various ways she might be feisty, I forced myself to look at the next slide. "Anaphase," I announced confidently before writing it down on the worksheet. She flinched almost imperceptibly toward the microscope and I immediately knew that she wanted to check on my answer. _Do it! Show me that anger! _I wanted so badly to see a brief spark of that fire again but she wouldn't take the bait for any of the rest of the slides.

I knew the last question on the worksheet would be a problem for her, so I did my best to make it sound like I had no desire to discuss this either. "Um, alright. It says we are supposed to talk about the phases we looked at and describe the differences we saw that made us draw our conclusions," I tried to sound deadpan and bored. The look she gave me was that of utter horror. I almost laughed out loud; I mean, it's a biology lab not Truth or Dare, but I managed to reign in my amusement at her reaction and she began speaking in melodious tones about cellular mitosis. Mitosis had never been so appealing.

She kept the topic strictly to Biology and when we had compiled our findings into and acceptable answer, she turned away from me and stared blankly down at her notebook. I learned a few more things about her while we discussed the lab – for one thing, she was really smart. Not just from the fact that she knew how to identify the slides with just a glance, but from the way she spoke and formed her thoughts showed me that she was quick thinking and quick witted. If it were even remotely possible, this made me want her more. I also discovered that she had an uncanny ability to compartmentalize her life. For the brief time we spent discussing biology a clinical, blank expression settled on her face and masked her eyes. The pain returned as soon as she dropped the paper up on Mr. Banner's desk.

Whatever was haunting her… it must be awful.

**Wednesday…**

Bella had become my entire reason for going to school. I waited in my car so I could watch her walk in from the parking lot in the morning and I started stalking her in the halls in between classes. My entire lunch hour was spent deciphering every nuance of her body language; I wanted to become an expert on everything 'Bella.' From the way her head tilted to the side when she found something interesting in the book she was reading, to the way her eyes narrowed infinitesimally when she didn't like something but wasn't going to say or do anything about it. I wanted to know it all.

Something happened on Wednesday… something was different. When she walked into biology, her scent was like a tsunami of desire. I had no idea what was different, but something was stronger… her body… her hair… her shampoo… it was all _more_. I couldn't stop the sinful thoughts that were attacking my mind. God help me I tried. But when Mr. Banner began his lecture on whatever the fuck he was talking about today, I decided to let my mind wander…

_The only light in the room was the glow of the single candle by my bed, but that didn't matter. I could see her perfectly. Her hair hung down in long, loose waves around her face and she stared up at me, her eyes full of all the lust and desire I felt. We were standing inches away from each other without touching but the electricity between us was palpable. I could smell her arousal. Slowly, I reached down to grab her waist and lift her up so her face would be even with mine. She wrapped her legs around my waist and hooked her ankles together behind me for leverage as my mouth descended on hers. Her lips were more exquisite than I had imagined. Soft and supple and moist and inviting, she opened them with a light gasp and I slowly pushed my tongue into her welcoming embrace. As our tongues began to dance, I could feel her hips begin to grind against me in the same rhythm as our kiss; I groaned deeply into her mouth and there was no hiding my obvious arousal at her motion._

_From the way her body was wrapped so tightly to my own, I could feel her center getting hotter as I began to trail light kisses up and down her neck. She let out a soft moan when I nipped lightly on her earlobe, "Mmmm… uuuunnngh…" and from that moment I vowed to do everything in my power to have her make that sound as often as possible. Just hearing her breathing become labored had made me impossibly hard; her moans would be my undoing. She took her hands from around my neck and, leaning back slightly, began to undo each button on my shirt. Her eyes never left mine while she worked her way down and her breath hitched in her throat. Shit. This was the most erotic… most… oh my God. She was kissing me lightly across my collarbone and it felt as though I were being kissed by angel wings, the touch was so light and soft. She pushed my shirt off of my shoulders and I turned to set her on the bed while I shrugged out of it; as soon as I let her go, my body cried out for contact. _

_She was sitting near the edge of my bed – legs spread, hair disheveled, practically panting with desire – and reaching out for __**me**__. I was truly in heaven. Deciding that she was wearing far too many clothes for what I had planned, I reached down and pulled up on the hem of her sweater. She lifted her arms up and let me pull it over her head and __**fuck**__ she wasn't wearing a bra and oh dear God in heaven she is absolute perfection. Her taut pink nipples stood out from the most perfect full breasts I have ever seen. Looking into my eyes, she got up on her knees and leaned in to capture my mouth with hers while her hands tangled in my hair and her sweet naked breasts pressed into my bare chest and fuck she was so warm and soft and __**dammit**__ she was still wearing pants. _

_Holding her to my body, I lay her back down on the bed while never taking my mouth from hers. Reaching between us I released the button on her jeans and worked the zipper down while her little hands roamed my body. __**Damn **__I loved how warm her touch felt on the icy chill of my own body – each stroke of her hand blazed a trail of desire that landed right at the core of my entire being. Never in my life had I wanted a woman more than I wanted Bella at this moment. With her mouth still working magic on my own, she lifted her hips slightly in a blatant invitation for me to ease her jeans down over her gorgeous legs which unleashed the full aroma of her desire for me. Her scent enveloped me… consumed me… destroyed me… renewed me. "Bella… my God… you're so beautiful," I managed to whisper between light kisses while my hands explored her gloriously soft body. They were the first words either of us had spoken which somehow gave them more weight… more meaning._

_She was reaching for the button on my pants, but I stilled her hands – I wanted to worship her first and taking my pants off would definitely not help my concentration. I needed my mouth on her body, so I began by kissing slowly down from her neck and taking one taught nipple into my mouth, laving it with my tongue. I heard her gasp at the sensation of my cool tongue and felt as the hard bud in my mouth became unbelievably harder. _I was doing this to her. Me. _Just knowing that I had this effect on her made my cock throb painfully. As I continued my oral assault on her breasts, her breathing became more erratic and she began to whimper softly on every exhaled breath. The sound encouraged me to kiss my way down her torso past her waist and place a kiss right on top of her mound. _

"_Ohhh God… Edward… please…" She would never have to ask me twice for anything. As if I could ever deny her. Looking up into her impassioned face, my eyes met her blazing stare as she silently urged me to keep going – she wanted this as much as I did. The next moment I was drowning in her. Her fucking __**taste**__… I was a dying man and she was my last meal. I used my tongue to flick and tease her clit, stopping only to lap at the sweet nectar flowing from her. Her tiny hands twisted into my hair, begging me to keep going. I brought one of my hands to her clit, pinching it between two fingers while I thrust my tongue into her hot moist core over and over and over and over until I felt her legs tense and her hands pull on my hair and she cried out my name. Mine._

_Panting from her release, she pulled my head from between her legs and brought our mouths crashing together with all of the passion and desire we felt for each other. Her hands flew to the button on my jeans, and this time I made no move to stop her. Within seconds my clothes hit the floor. I deepened my kiss, trying to show her everything I felt and when my cock pressed up against the hot skin of her thigh, I groaned into her mouth. This sound seemed to flip a switch in her and she instantly wrapped her legs around my body again – positioning me in between her sweet thighs. I paused – only for a moment – to look into her burning gaze and make sure she was feeling what I was feeling. _

_Her eyes were shining with the same flood of emotions I was drowning in, her hands gripped and tugged at my hips, urging me forward, and in seconds I had plunged deep inside her. The only sounds were our labored breaths and moans; the only sights were each other's eyes; the only tastes were our mouths fervently moving in perfect sync with my thrusts. She was hot and wet and tight and __**shit**__ if I were human I would have already come… but that was one of the best parts of being immortal – the stamina. Because _**Christ** _I could _**fuck**_ her for_**ever**. _I felt her tighten beneath me and heard her whispered breath in my ear, "Edward… shit… yes… my God… __**yes…**__" She clenched tight around my cock and her face when she came was the face of an archangel. When I thought there was no way I could take anymore… no way this angel was meant for me… no way I would be able to keep going without… _

The bell rang.

_Shit_.

If taking Biology everyday for the rest of my life meant I could fantasize about Bella like that, it would be totally worth every goddamn minute. I stood quickly, grabbed my bag in front of my obvious erection, and strode swiftly out to my car. There was no way I was going to Spanish like this.

Fuck me.

**Thursday…**

Apparently today was going to be the day that Emmett decided to push my buttons and annoy the shit out of me until I told him what was up with Bella. _Totally_ could have done without that today. I knew I was staring overtly at her, but I just couldn't stop myself. She was like a goddamn drug. I was addicted to Bella.

I had successfully avoided him for while by not being home for a majority of the night, but I had to come home to shower and get ready for the day eventually. Emmett finally caught up to me as I was coming out of my bedroom that morning before school. Well, before hiding and watching Bella like a creepy stalker and _then_ school. "Dude, do we need to talk about that new chick?" He was so subtle.

"No." I was about as defensive as he was **not** subtle.

"You're totally obsessing over her. "

"No, I'm not. She's just in my Bio class." _She may also be the love of my life, the woman I was meant to spend eternity with, the angel of my desires. What's it to you?_

"Edward. I've known you for two hundred and fifty nine years, man. I know how you get around women. And this is extreme, even for you. You haven't seen yourself the past few days. It's really bordering on ridiculous." Emmett chose _right now_ to be perceptive. _That figures._

"Okay, fine. She's different. But I'm not going to act on it." _God I hope I don't act on it. …yet…_

"I just… I mean… I think that might be how I looked when I found Rose… and maybe… you know, maybe she's-"

"Shut it Emmett," I cut him off. "I'm not… I can't even think about that. Something… it's her eyes, man. Something hurt that girl. And _I can't do that to her._" The last part came out as a hiss under my breath. "She just… God I can't even begin to describe it," I was leaning up against the wall in our hallway with my head in my hands.

"Damn. Sorry, man. You've really got it bad. You know, if she's really meant for you though, she'll want it just as badly as you do. That's just nature, man. Survival of the species and all that shit." Emmett really was _so_ eloquent.

"I. Know. That." At this point, I was talking through gritted teeth, as I was rapidly tiring of this conversation. "Just drop it, okay? If I need your advice, I'll let you know. But for now, leave me alone."

"Alright, alright… just… I'm here for you, man." _Aaaaand we've reached the awkward part of the discussion_. Being friends – even 'brothers' – with someone for two hundred and fifty nine years still didn't mean I liked anyone that close to my personal issues.

"Yeah, okay. Gotcha." Emmett gave me a hopeful smile and continued down towards his bedroom. I was now out of time to creep on Bella, and had to settle for forcing the entire family to get to school early so I could watch her from my car. _I am so pathetic. _But then there she was, her red truck coming to a diagonal stop in her parking space. Someone seriously needed to teach her how to park that thing. When she stepped down onto the ice, she was all flowing hair and cute little body and coffee cup and mittens. Mittens. _Fucking adorable_. I sighed. I really did have it bad.

I spent all four of my morning classes going over what Emmett had said to me that morning. He was right. If Bella and I were meant to be together – if we were destined to spend an eternity as partners, lovers, soul mates – she would begin to feel as drawn to me as I was to her. I was truly a bit surprised she hadn't noticed my raging desire for her already when she looked in my eyes in class on Tuesday. Eventually, it would be so strong that we wouldn't be able to deny the connection bringing us together, kind of like you can't deny that gravity is holding you down. That's the way it was with vampires. It just wasn't how it had been for me.

I had never been jealous of Emmett and Rose or Alice and Jasper. I had no reason to be. They had whatever the fuck it was that they had with each other, but I never wanted to feel that with any of the women in my life. Especially not with that goddamn succubus that changed me. There was never anyone I wanted to spend more than a few hours with – let alone eternity. So, that's why I always broke things off. If I let my bloodlust overcome me and I accidentally changed someone who I didn't feel pulled towards, I would just be repeating the same thing that had happened to me three hundred and fifty-five years ago. And that would be really fucked up.

By lunchtime, I was no closer to figuring out what the hell I was going to do. By now, the rest of my family had been clued in on my predicament by Emmett and they were all trying to offer me counsel. Rosalie's advice was perhaps the least helpful, since she'd never had any doubts about her love for my brother, "It's really not that bad, Edward. I mean, look how in love Em and I are… as soon as I saw him, I knew." _Yeah, Rose. That's __**so**__ awesome for you. Bella's already seen me… and no go. _Alice was more practical, "Edward, I just want you to be happy. You've been alone for so long… and I just think… I _feel _like Bella could be the person you've been looking for. We just have to make her see that." That was the issue. We shouldn't have to _make_ her see anything. It should just happen.

I looked desperately to Jazz for some real advice. He had always been good at reading people and knowing their true emotions. And he didn't let me down now, "You know… I've been observing her today, and… something is wrong. She is incredibly depressed, yes. But clouded… blocked. From my own experience, I wouldn't press her to make any sort of permanent decision until she is of a clearer mind." At this, he looked over at Alice and smiled. "However, no matter what her state of mind, she may still want to… _be _with you eventually. It will be up to you to decide if you wish to change her or wait." So, it was both better and worse than I thought. It was better because she could still want me (_Please want me!)_; it was worse because it seemed I would have to rely on my own self control, which was something I didn't quite excel at (_I might kill you!_). I groaned loudly, dropping my head into my hands. _Why is nothing ever easy for me?_

**Friday…**

I had gotten nowhere with my Bella obsession. Everyone tried to talk to me about it again after school yesterday, but I just wasn't in the mood. Generally, I was much better at solving problems on my own, so I went out for a run across Northern Canada to clear my mind of Bella and all of the ways I could potentially end her life. But by Friday afternoon, I was literally counting down the seconds until Biology. This was not looking good for me.

Bella came in to the lab room like a zombie. Something was definitely different about her today. Her eyes were the same pain-filled pools, but her mouth was turned up at the edges giving her a slightly crazed look. She was still drop dead gorgeous, but definitely looking a bit off. I wanted to ask her what was wrong, but if she was really hurting as much as everyone was saying she was, I didn't want to offend her by asking. She deserved much more from me than questions about rumors and gossip.

Mr. Banner spent the first 15 minutes of class telling us about a new project idea he had come up with. Instead of just talking about genomes and DNA in class, we would be doing group projects on a subject of our choosing. It actually sounded like much more fun than regular class. After three hundred-and-some-odd years of lectures, school was boring as fuck. When he told us we would have to work on it over the holiday break on our own time, Bella shocked the hell out of me.

"Oh _fantastic_," she was whispering under her breath, the words dripping with sarcasm. "That's just fucking great."

_What the hell? Did I hear that right? Of course I heard it right… I have insane hearing. She's fucking hilarious! God__**damn **__I have to get to know this girl. _I tried to stop my head, but it turned slowly to look at her of its own volition. Suppressing the laughter that was threatening to come out after her little outburst, I stared at her in awe. She had to notice that I was seconds away from disrupting the entire class… then she met my eyes and gave the cutest little sardonic shrug. It was like she was apologizing to me for saying something, but someone had to say it because it was true. I wanted her more now than ever. She was perfect for me.

Bella spent the entire rest of the class nervously fidgeting. If I didn't have the patience of a priest, that little pen-tapping bit would have gotten very old very quickly. As it was, I found it endearing. _I have completely lost it. This goddess is going to be the end of me… or the beginning… _My mind was suddenly full of images of what my life could be like with Bella in it. I would show her all of the places I have lived over the years, and explain how the tattoos on my arms were a representation of my long life, how each was a memento from something – or somewhere – in my past. I wanted to take her all over the world and watch her face as she discovered the beauty of the Italian coast in the summertime or the wonder of the Great Wall of China. If I had to live out the rest of my days without her, they would all be empty.

The bell rang then, tearing me out of my thoughts. Bella jumped up like her stool was on fire and bolted for the door. Of course, I followed her. When it became apparent that she was headed out for the parking lot, I couldn't help but think that any girl who was willing to cut class was obviously meant for me. Once she got outside, I couldn't go out after her. There were no other students in the lot, and it would have been very noticeable that I was following her. I stopped at the window and watched her practically jog over the ice to get to her car, almost falling over twice.

_What is she running from?_

I made it my goal to find out what was causing her so much pain. I would help her heal… and I would make her mine… if she'd have me…

**A/N:** Not every chapter/segment will be told from both perspectives, but many will. I am trying to make them as different as possible with only a bit of overlapping dialogue. I don't want it to be boring or redundant, but some of their interactions just need to be seen from both perspectives. I just feel that their internal monologues are so important – you need to see their motivations, hang-ups and desires. Plus, pierced/sarcastic Edward makes me laugh and jaded/deadpan humor Bella is just freaking great.

Also, I totally wrote half of Edward's 'Wednesday' fantasy in a Panera, the other half in a Borders coffee shop. You never know what people are doing on their laptops in public places! ;o) …and all because Bella decided to wash her hair in the morning that day. Thank GOD she took that valium!


	6. Coping

**Notes on this Chapter: **This is not filler. I do not write filler. There are a few more things about Bella and her…um… 'issues' that needed to be told before she and Edward start really interacting. There are a few minor conversations here, and in the next chapter from Edward's POV, but the first real connection will be in Chapter 8. It took me awhile to write this chapter because it kept feeling choppy – Bella's thoughts are actually getting choppy as well since she's on a lot of meds… but I think I worked out most of the kinks.

**Disclaimer:** All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of Stephanie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. I just like to take them out and play with them.

**Chapter 6: Bella  
Coping**

If I thought the first week of school was hard, it was nothing compared to the rest of October. My days at Chugiak High were steadily becoming more stressful, the phone conversations with my mother were quickly becoming more hostile and I began desperately seeking ways to escape reality.

It seemed as though the longer I spent at school, the more the kids talked about me. I was hoping that by staying below the radar, the rumors circulating about me would gradually lose their appeal and maybe eventually just stop altogether. I was horribly wrong about this – in fact, I had never judged a situation more poorly in my entire life. Apparently it was impossible for a new student to stay below the radar; I was the only thing actually _on_ the radar.

Every day I was amazed at the things I would overhear. Every day the students would get more brazen about the things they would say or how loudly they would say them. Every day I pretended not to hear them talking about me. Every day I contemplated running out to my car and breaking down in body wrenching sobs. Every day I locked myself in a bathroom stall and took drugs to stop the pain. Every day I wanted it to stop. Every. Day.

It didn't stop.

Most of the students had heard from their parents that I was sent here after some sort of nervous breakdown. None of them had the full story – I think it was because Charlie was flat out refusing to talk about me with anyone – but they were more than happy to make things up. Some of them were right. Most of them were not. A few were told by their parents to stay away from me. Like I was a danger to the kids here… _I'm only a danger to myself._

In the beginning, it was all speculation… _'I heard she totally lost it. She tried to kill herself but she didn't do it right or something.' _Nice try blonde guy, but I most definitely would have succeeded if my mom hadn't left her wallet on the kitchen counter. _'I heard she's a cutter. That's why she wears long sleeves under her gym t-shirt.' _Oh, so close annoying red-haired girl. I do have scars to cover; they're just not fresh. _'Someone told my mom that she got really into drugs and OD'ed. Her mom lost custody for being a bad parent, and the judge sent her here to live with her dad because he's the police chief.' _Um… not even in the same ballpark, dark-haired math kid. Whoever told your mother that was tragically misinformed.

All this speculation I could handle. People were curious. I get that.

However, as time went on the students got much more brazen and _much_ more hurtful. Right in the middle of class, someone would glance over at me and start whispering to their neighbor, _'Dude… she's so weird… Lauren told me she locks herself in bathroom stalls between classes. What the fuck is that about? I bet she's bulimic. That's how she stays so thin.' _It was like they actually thought I couldn't hear them. _'I know, man. She's got a nice little body. She could be hot if she wasn't such a freak.'_ Really? I could be HOT? _'I don't know… it might be cool to be with a crazy chick. Who knows where else she's crazy? …if you know what I mean… I could totally hit that.' _I raised my hand – the walls started closing in on me and I couldn't catch my breath. I had to get out of this room. _How can people be so openly cruel?_

I entered the girls' bathroom and walked slowly over to the mirror. My eyes were tired… sad… pained. The dark circles beneath them had become a permanent fixture on my face. My cheeks were hollow… _Fuck, I'm still losing weight. _My skin was sallow… pale… _Christ, I look like shit._ I stood facing the mirror with my hands braced on the sink for much longer than I meant to. Suddenly realizing that I should be getting back to class soon, I pulled myself away from my dismal reflection. I had to take something first. The door to the stall locked shut behind me. I could breathe.

Sitting in the bathroom stall, I realized it was times like this that I missed Brandon the most. When I was hurting, he had always known. He had always been perfectly in tune with me… he always knew exactly what to say and what to do to make me feel better. And it didn't hurt that he had been captain of the football team, so no one wanted to mess with me – especially after he almost beat up my ex-boyfriend in front of the entire school. I was actually the one who talked him down from that one, but he was willing to get suspended for me. If he had any idea what these asshats were saying about me _practically to my face_, it would all be over. _How do I do this alone? _I felt a single tear slip down my cheek. I hadn't even felt my eyes well up. _Brandon… what do I do? _I needed him desperately… the pill felt good going down.

I took an Imatrex too.

Just to be safe.

~B~

The only person who seemed to be completely immune to the incessant high school gossip was, ironically, the one person I was forced to talk to. It was actually a relief to get to Biology every day; I knew, for some reason, that this guy wasn't judging me like every single other member of the student body. Edward never asked me anything about my personal life… he never really asked me to talk about anything except our project. I was eternally grateful – though he would never know that.

The day Mr. Banner let us pick our project topics, Edward and I chose to do ours on James Watson, one of the co-discoverers of DNA in the 60s. We immediately decided not to do an oral report – the idea of either one of us in front of the class speaking about anything was laughable. Apparently neither one of us was particularly crafty, so a display board was out as well. That left a research paper. It was probably the choice that would take the most time, since it had to be ten to fifteen well-written pages and all references had to be cited perfectly, but that was fine with me. Edward agreed, remarking that the other two choices were cop-outs – who makes a poster board display in high school anyways? I told him that the people who opted for the easy project would probably always chose the easy way out in life and end up nowhere. He looked at me funny. I cringed. I was talking too much. Too many drugs made for a chatty Bella.

Aside from this 'over-share' occurrence, there was only one other time I let my guard down with him. I had no idea what it was about him that made me so careless – most likely the fact that he wasn't participating in the high school rumor mill – but I would need to get a handle on that quickly. We had begun going to the school library on our in-class project days; the library at Chugiak High School left a bit to be desired though. On one of these 'research days,' Edward and I were sitting in the back corner poring over the same books as the last time when I noticed him looking at me intently.

"What?" I questioned him. Were my hands shaking or did I have something on my face from the lunch I didn't eat?

"Nothing." He answered too quickly. "I was just thinking about something."

_Right…_ "What about?" _No! Why am I asking him? _

"Um… just that we might be able to find some better books at the public library in Anchorage. We should try that over the break maybe. This library is quite limited in its selection of reference materials."

'_Quite limited'? Who says that? _"uh… yeah. Sounds like a good plan." _No, it doesn't. GREAT. Now I'm stuck going to Anchorage with him over the Holiday Break. Neat. Why can't I just shut up around him?_

"Cool." At least he didn't sound all that thrilled to be working on the project over the break either. For him it would be just schoolwork – for me, a trip to Anchorage meant crippling socialization with the outside world. I sighed inwardly before I returned to my book. _What the fuck did I just agree to?_

Though we were forced to interact two days a week in class to work on our projects, I tried to remain distant the other three days. I wasn't ready for friends here, and I definitely didn't want to give Edward the wrong idea. I just felt that if he was the only person at school I spoke to… I don't know… he might get the wrong idea or something. Not that I was a great catch by any means. _Welcome to Bella's House of Mental Illness! Just grab yourself some CRAZY and you'll fit right in._

I could tell from our lab work that he was ridiculously smart – something I wouldn't have guessed from his slacker persona – but he still just wasn't the type of guy I would ever really hang out with, even before this whole mess. The guys I had dated in Phoenix were nothing like Edward; they were good students, responsible, respectful, sometimes athletes and they most definitely did not have body art. There was nothing wrong with that – it just was something I hadn't ever been into. Tattoos and piercings aside though, I was usually flying high on Xanax or Klonopin by fifth period anyway, so making pointless conversation with Edward would most likely have turned into an embarrassing situation.

Towards the middle of October, I ran out of Klonopin. It wouldn't have been a major deal, but I didn't want to tell my dad or Dr. Lavery that I was technically overdosing everyday… so I started using my supply of heavier anti-depressants to deal with the panic attacks at school. Xanax became my preferred drug of choice. How else was I supposed to make it through the day with everyone talking about me? The way I saw it, I only had two choices – numb the pain or go back to how I was in Phoenix. There was no wayI would – no way I _could_ – go back to being that person, so I chose to use the drugs to overcome the torment and pain that was high school.

I couldn't bring myself to care that I was so dependent on the relief that the pills gave me. It was like I knew that I should care… some part of me knew that I didn't want to be full-on, drug-dependent psycho but the alternative was becoming too painful. Between the kids at school talking about me 'behind my back' and my mother completely losing her grip on reality, I just couldn't handle _life_ anymore. I had to get out. I wouldn't try to kill myself again – it would hurt Charlie too much – so I settled for the next best thing. I used my shoe-box stash to cover up the ache in my soul and forget the pain in my heart. I used it to escape this hideous half-life I had been forced to live. I used it to forget.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew that doing this for Charlie wasn't the point. I knew that I should want to live for _me_… but honestly, if I wasn't thinking of my dad, I most definitely would have gone off the deep end again. He was helping me hold it together. I was growing accustomed to our nightly routine – I craved it. He never pushed me to talk about anything; sometimes he would talk to me about the game that was on, or his favorite team… and I would nod and pretend that I knew what the hell he was talking about. I think he really liked that. So if my being here meant that much to Charlie, I would stay here – even if I wasn't quite so lucid all the time.

~B~

Charlie was trying so hard to be there for me. I could tell that he was doing everything he could to understand what was going on with me; he even went so far as to come with me to Dr. Lavery's office for an appointment. He was nervous and sweating a little, but he was there. I really did love my dad.

"Hello, Chief Swan! Nice to see you again. So glad you could make it in today. I know this means a lot to Bella," Dr. Lavery stood up and walked around from behind his huge desk to shake my dad's hand.

Charlie started to relax a bit, "Yeah… I uh… I thought it might be nice to see what you guys do here so I can be supportive at home… you know… with things." Ok, so he still wasn't _that_ relaxed. Charlie and I had never been that great with 'feelings.'

"Of course. It's important for parents to get involved. Very important. Now, I suppose we should start with you then. Is there anything in particular that concerns you, as a parent? Any odd behaviors or patterns that you have noticed at home?" He was either trying to make Charlie feel included, or he was fishing for the details that I never tell him.

"Not really. She sleeps a lot, but most teenagers do… I mean, I guess… and they said she might sleep more… you know… because of the depression and the anxiety… it's 'taxing' on the body or whatever…" He glanced over toward me as he said that last part and I could tell he was a bit uncomfortable talking about my state-of-mind in right front of me.

"Yes, that's true. Depression – specifically coupled with panic attacks, as in Bella's case – is very wearing on the body and the mind. So, yes. I would say that sleeping a lot is perfectly normal. Was there anything else before we go on?"

"Well… uh… Bells and I are spending time together at night. Well, not together… but yeah, together. You know… " he trailed off.

"Would you care to elaborate on that?" Y_eah, dad. I don't think anyone actually understood that._

"Uh… sure. I mean, we are in the same room and stuff… but we don't really talk a lot. I'm not a big talker. Lived alone most of my adult life… you know… and I just wonder… if I _should_ be talking. But then, she doesn't seem to want to talk. So, I was thinking… maybe just being with each other is enough?" he trailed up at the end, making it sound like a question. I hadn't every really heard him say that much at once before. _Nice one, dad!_

"Ah. That is perceptive of you." Charlie looked down, flustered. "Bella does need that time with you, and I'm glad that you are able to be home for her. I think that will help her in the long run. Even if you are not talking, I like the fact that you are occupying the same space and sharing your company with each other. Having people around to support you is a large part of the healing process. That 'web of support' is crucial." He turned to me, "How do you feel about the time with your father, Bella?"

"It's nice?" It came out like a question.

Dr. Lavery saved me from elaborating, "I'm not sure she's ready to talk about what happened to her. But knowing that there are people who love her and want to help her heal – that's what could make the difference in the long run." _Yeah, dad. You're a big reason I'm not contemplating suicide again. Isn't that nice?_ Somehow I didn't think saying that out loud would go over well.

"Ok… well… good. I'm really glad you think that will help her." Charlie turned to look at me then, "I look forward to our time together every day, Bells."

I gave him a small, tight smile, "Me too, Dad."

The conversation got somewhat awkward after that because Dr. Lavery insisted on discussing my relationship with my mom while Charlie was there. He was getting caught up in his whole 'web of support' thing, and apparently my mother should be a part of that web. _Yeah, not recently. _Dad remarked that he hadn't seen me call my mom for a few weeks, and Dr. Lavery found this intriguing. I did not know why. I sort of lied and told them I was calling her from the school since I had better reception there – this was true a few weeks ago. They both accepted this, so of course I felt like a complete ass. Now I was lying about the pills I took and the pain I felt _and_ the last time I talked to my mom. What a stupid thing to lie about. _How the fuck did I get here?_

But I just… couldn't make myself call her anymore.

It was too hard.

Too stressful.

~B~

I had stopped calling my mother around the third week of October. Our phone conversations had gone from bad to worse, requiring a valium after each one to calm me down. Following one of them, I actually thought that my heart would burst out of my chest. I could feel each beat; I could feel the blood rushing in and out of the chambers. It was so odd. Then the pain ripped through my ribcage as my heartbeat raced and I struggled to control my breathing. After about twenty minutes of this, I decided that I must be having a heart attack; I took a Percocet. Good thing Charlie was fishing that day with the guys… I was passed out for hours.

I began to wonder when our relationship had gone bad. My mom and I had always been close while Brandon and I were growing up. She was supportive and kind and loving and everything a mother should be. But ever since the accident, ever since Brandon died… it was like she couldn't stand to be around me anymore. Like my pain was too much for her to handle. I never asked for this pain… I didn't want my brother to die anymore than she did. All I needed was someone to accept that this wasn't okay for me. Charlie knew that… he knew I was hurting… and he knew that I would be hurting for a long time without my other half. He didn't expect me to be perky or chipper; he knew that those actions would be fake… a lie. Mom expected… I didn't even know what she wanted from me anymore. She'd stopped making sense weeks ago.

A few days after Halloween, she called me while I was in the parking lot at the pharmacy. I was spending a lot of time in that parking lot. It had been almost two weeks since we'd spoken, so I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. I answered my phone.

Biggest mistake ever.

"Bella. Hi. You don't call anymore. I thought I would call you to see if you would actually answer the phone for me. Thanks for finally picking up." _Passive aggressive, much? This is the first time you called. How can I 'finally' be picking up if you __**DON'T CALL**__? I swear to GOD, if I even remotely enjoyed alcohol, you'd be driving me to drink._

"Hi mom. What's up?"

"_What's up?_ Really, Bella. I haven't talked to you in almost two weeks! That's all you can come up with?" _This is why I don't call you. You just want to fight with me._

"Um… yes?"

She sighed. "I just worry about you." _Really? Then stop acting like a total bitch on the phone. _"I want what's best for you… you know, to help you get better. I just hope that being with your father is what's best. He isn't the most supportive person in the world… and you never call me. I don't know what your life is like there. We never talk anymore. You have no friends. I know you're depressed up there. That can't be healthy." _Well, I'm not coming back to live with you. I believe we've been down that road, and it didn't end favorably._

"Dad and I are fine. We spend a lot of time together… every night. He even came to an appointment with me and Dr. Lavery last week. He's being really supportive mom." _More supportive than you ever were. We all know where that led._ "We cook dinner… together sometimes… and he watches TV while I do my homework and stuff… it's really nice…" I started to trail off when I realized she wasn't trying to talk over me anymore.

"Oh," was all she said after a long pause.

"Mom. I just meant that-"

"Oh no. You don't have to justify anything to me. He's a better parent. I see." _What. The. Fuck. Is that what I said? _"It must be my fault then, that you tried to… um… you know." She still couldn't say it. _Yup. All you, mom. It had nothing to do with my brother dying right in front of me and leaving me here alone to deal with all of this __**SHIT**__. Nothing at all. _I wanted to scream this at her.

I sighed into the phone. "Mom, I just meant that the change of scenery has been good for me. Dad just happens to be here." If I didn't end this call soon, I was going to lose it. Like, really lose it. My right leg was bouncing up and down and I felt nervous and restless and shaky and agitated. I was already trying to decide what to take when I got home. _Prozac? No… That kind of hyped me up the last time. Valium? Yes, that always makes me forget… _She was talking again.

"-don't think I have time to deal with this. Phil and I are planning our holiday vacation and I've been working some extra hours to make bonus at the end of the month…" she sighed loudly, "You know, you aren't making this easy for me, Bella." _Easy for __**YOU**__?_

I hung up the phone.

She called back. Five times.

I didn't answer.

The valium was nice.

I deleted her messages without listening to them. If I never heard them, they couldn't hurt me. Was that bad? _Please… please… make it stop… please… _Thinking about talking to her again had me curled up on my bed hyperventilating until the valium kicked in. Some part of me knew this wasn't good – that I was slowly losing my grip, but the rest of me was rejoicing in the relief. Between the three hundred milligrams of Effexor every morning and the various other anti-anxiety drugs I was popping throughout the day, I couldn't even care about my sanity anymore.

_I can't handle this._

I was overwhelmed

and anxious

and scared

and annoyed.

I just wanted to be numb.

I just wanted it to all go away.

I knew this was wrong. I knew I was overreacting… but I couldn't stop myself. I couldn't face anything anymore.

~B~

One night during the first week of November, my nightly Ambien didn't help me fall asleep. Up until then, those things had me unconscious in thirty minutes flat. When it took me an hour… and hour and a half… two hours… and I was still awake, I got worried. Being alone with my thoughts for that long just wasn't a good idea. I took a vicodin. _Just this once_. It worked like a charm.

I slept like the dead, but when my alarm went off the next morning I was completely disoriented. My limbs were stiff – _Did I even move at all last night? _Stumbling to the bathroom, I noticed that the set of luggage (non-designer) had taken up residence under my eyes again. _Goddamn it! When is this nightmare going to fucking END?_ I swear, nothing ever went my way anymore. I fumbled around with an ice pack on my face for about ten minutes before giving up and letting it go. _Fuck it. _It just wasn't worth it. Judging by the fact that I hardly had enough energy to get my hair into a ponytail, I realized that I was going to need more than coffee to stay awake and focused. So, I bought a jumbo Red Bull at the gas station instead of my normal cream-and-two-sugars coffee. I drank the entire thing before I even got to the school parking lot; those things taste like what I believe urine might taste like and I just wanted to get it over with.

Definitely not my best idea.

By second period my hands were all twitchy, and I'm fairly certain I was blinking my eyes way too much. It looked like I had some weird random nervous tic or Tourette's syndrome or something. _Can I even get any crazier? _The only remotely positive thing that came out of my caffeine-induced, hyper-activity debacle was that I was starving by lunchtime and I ate my entire meal. That hadn't happened since before July. The food actually calmed me down which I was very exited about, but almost immediately after lunch I started to feel the crash.

Apparently, Red Bull only gives you wings for about four hours or so before it plunges you back to earth where you then proceed to land flat on your face. By the time I got to Biology, my eyelids felt like lead weights. I sat down with my head resting on my folded arms and my eyes closed – within seconds, I was asleep.

"Bella?" Someone was calling my name. And touching me. My eyes flew open. "Bella? Class is over."

"What?" _Where the fuck am I?_ I finally got a hold on my surroundings – Biology. Class. _Over? I just got here…_

"You slept through class…" Looking to my left, Edward was speaking to me hesitantly. His face was just inches from mine, and his hand was gently shaking my shoulder. _He's really kind of hot._ I tried to ignore that thought – I _had_ just woken up after all.

"I… what?" _wait… what?_

"You slept through class… it's over…" Now he was speaking to me like I was semi-retarded. Enunciating every word because clearly I had no idea what was going on. _Fantastic. _Even if I did think he was hot – which I _so_ don't – he now thought I was 'special'.

"Um… ok. Thank you." He smiled tightly at me with confusion in his eyes before standing up and leaving the classroom. Thank God he didn't ask me any questions. What would I say? _Oh, I'm fine – just somewhat over-medicated today. _Yeah… not a good idea.

Speaking of things that were not good ideas, the Vicodin last night obviously hadn't been a good plan. Neither had the Red Bull. I knew that now.

I skipped gym.

Again.

They were probably going to call Charlie soon. Not that I cared. It's fucking _gym_.

~B~

Later that night, I decided to stick with just the Ambien. I didn't want to have to put my body through the ringer again tomorrow – using the drugs to jerk my body up and down all day was exhausting. And I mean, I knew I would sleep well tonight after all of that anyways. It wasn't long at all before I drifted away.

_The sun shines brightly over a bluebird Phoenix sky. There are no clouds. I'm standing at the edge of the playground at the end of our street… the grass is sod… grass doesn't grow well in Arizona. Angela, my childhood friend, is standing next to me. It doesn't even look like her… but I know it's her… I don't know how, I just do. She asks if I want to go play on the swings. I tell her that we should wait for Brandon. He likes the slide the best. She goes ahead without me. I have to wait for him. What if he doesn't see me on the swings? He would be all alone. I could never leave him alone._

'_Bella! He's not coming…' Angela calls to me from the swing set._

'_Yes he is… he would have told me if he was going somewhere else…'_

'_He's not coming, Bella.'_

_Angela is gone. I am not at the playground anymore. I can't tell where I am. The sun has set and there are no lights. It smells like rain. And… dirt. Trees surround me. My feet are bare. I can feel the ground underneath them. _Where are my shoes? _That's so weird. I had shoes on at the playground. Didn't I?_

_I feel a familiar presence._

'_Brandon?' I call out. _

_I know he's here. Leaves rustle to my right. My head whips to the side to see what made that sound. Brandon? I take a few tentative steps toward the rustling. I see the outline of someone walking away. Brown hair. It's him._

'_Brandon! It's me!' _Why won't he turn around?

_I walk faster. _

_He walks faster. _

_I run. _

_He runs._

_Branches tear at my face and my clothes. I frantically push them away. My feet slide on the rocks… I think they are bleeding. The scrapes on my face burn. I fall down and cut my knee. It hurts like hell, but I get back up and continue my pursuit._

'_Brandon!' I yell hysterically. 'Come back!'_

_He keeps moving away from me…_

'_Come back! …please! …please come back!'_

…_please…_

…_I need you…_

_I don't see him anymore. I stop. There are no sounds in the forest anymore. I sink to my knees and sob into my hands. A light drizzle has begun to fall. _

_I am wet._

_I am muddy. _

_I am bleeding._

_I am alone._

My eyes snapped open. My face was covered in my own tears. I was curled on my side in the fetal position. My breathing was heavy. I looked at the clock. Three am. I hadn't had a dream like that in months. I jumped off of my bed and grabbed the shoebox from underneath. My hands were shaking.

Percocet.

_I need it._

The drug curled around my mind like a warm blanket, smothering out all of the thoughts that threatened my sanity, and I slipped blissfully into a dreamless sleep.

* * *

**A/N:** And so Bella slowly loses her grip on sanity. Edward is up next!


	7. Falling Angel

**Notes on this Chapter: **As I told one reviewer… **patience, Grasshopper**…it will all be explained.

This is Edward's POV of everything between the first week of school and Chapter 8. Re-reading some of Bella's POV in chapter 6 might make their interactions in this chapter funnier and/or more interesting. (I like seeing how she views a conversation versus how he views the same exchange… but that's just me.) If you were reading this all at once, there would be no need to go back… but alas, this is not a book – this is the world of Fan Fiction and you only get a chapter at a time.

**Usual Disclaimer: **Stephanie Meyer owns everything – I just own most of this plotline.

**Chapter 7: Edward  
Falling Angel**

I spent the weekend with Emmett and Jasper hunting in the Denali wilderness. Having such wide open spaces to run and hunt in was one of the reasons we came to Alaska in the first place. Well, that and the lack of direct sunlight in the wintertime… as well as the sheer lack of human population altogether. I loved the times we went out just the three of us guys. Don't get me wrong, I love my sisters too… I just don't like to have to hear them fucking like rabbits after hunting. Oddly enough the act of stalking, killing and draining an animal of its blood is like an aphrodisiac for vampires and from what I've overheard through the years, the sex is great. _**So**__ awesome for them. _Not that I would know. I don't have a mate. Obviously.

While Emmett was off draining a grizzly somewhere, I decided to take a break from stalking my prey to sit on a cliff overlooking Mt. McKinley. It was truly a sight to behold in the wintertime; completely covered in heavy drifts of snow and virtually untouched by humans. Jasper climbed up and sat down next to me. I could tell he wanted to talk.

"Hey, Jazz."

"Hey."

"So…"

I was so awkward at personal conversations, it was bordering on absurd. We sat in silence for a few minutes while he collected his thoughts. I waited for him to continue, "You know, I always hoped you'd find someone. I know how lonely you've been these past few decades."

"That's not true. I like being alone. I never said I was unhappy." _Defensive, much? Geez… I need to tone it back…_

"I know that… but… something _was _missing from your life. Maybe it's something you only wanted sub-consciously, but the desire was always there under the surface." He always knew shit like that. It sucked being called out. "Your entire aura has changed in a week. She's good for you – you're so much happier now it's insane. I can tell just by spending time with you."

"How do you know it's her that's changed my mood? How can she be good for me if she won't even talk to me?"

He gave me a withering look. "Dude, I'm not an idiot."

"Well then, what the fuck am I supposed to do about this? 'Cause I have no fucking clue. Help me out here."

"We all think she may still be the one for you." _The __**one**__._ Just thinking about her like that sent a current of pure joy coursing through my body. "She just… I don't know what to tell you… she's just completely blocked. There's something going on that's keeping her from seeing you. It seems to be entirely mental… but it's just… I mean, she sees you but she doesn't really _see_ you. "

"Uh-huh." _Dude. Why. The. Fuck. Not? _"What does that actually mean?"

"I don't know. I talked to Alice about it because I couldn't get a handle on it, and she thinks you should just give it some time. She thinks that Bella will come around eventually – and you know how Alice is with her 'feelings'. But you know what I think about it… I mean… if Alice hadn't given me time to grieve for my family and decide what to do on my own, I don't know how I would have turned out after the change. I would have been totally fucked up – that's for sure. Based on what happened with me, if she is supposed to be your mate, she's going to need to make this decision with a clear mind. You can do what you want – obviously – but that's my opinion. You above anyone should know that this life is not something to be entered into lightly…"

We sat on the cliff for awhile without talking for I don't even know how long. I spent the time thinking about Bella and reflecting on what Jasper had said. He was right – I knew all about how _not_ to enter into this life. I also knew that I could never do to her the same thing that was done to me so many years ago. Coming into this life without a choice – just the thought made me feel ill. I already loved her too much. I just hoped that maybe… just maybe… she might love me back, and I wouldn't have to worry about all of this other shit.

With that thought… I caught the scent of a black bear and leapt off the cliff, totally lost to my instincts. _Fuckin-a_. Carnivores really do taste better…

~E~

The next Monday, Banner had us chose topics for our projects. I glanced over the recommended list and noticed that we could probably write a kick-ass paper if we chose one of the guys who co-discovered DNA in the 1960s. I had actually studied under them back before they won the Nobel Prize, so the biography section of our report would be more accurate than any information we would get out of a book. My photographic memory of all of their work couldn't hurt either.

Banner was giving us the entire period to talk it over and decide on which topic to do and how we wished to present that topic to the class. I turned toward Bella and showed her the list. That same clinical, detached expression I noticed the day of our first lab together had returned to her face as she turned her attention to school work. It had to be an escape for her. She took the sheet from my hand and looked it over with the most adorable determined expression on her face – forehead crinkled, eyes squinted, mouth drawn in a line… God I could watch her facial expressions until the end of time. She looked up at me with a little crease in the middle of her forehead, "What do you think, Edward?"

I melted. _Christ_, I loved it when she said my name. "Well… what about one of these guys? They discovered DNA, so there should be a lot of information on them in the library." I was trying to make it sound like I picked it randomly.

She looked at the names I was pointing at and chose one, "How about James Watson?"

"Sure, sounds good to me." _Nice! _I helped him with his research when he was at Harvard.

"Ok." She turned her notebook to a new page and wrote his name at the top. _So cute_. "Now, how do you think we should present it?"

I had thought about this as well. There were three choices: an oral report, a display board or a research paper. "Well… I think the oral report is out of the question," I stated while looking at her face for a reaction.

She gave a little sarcastic snort and gestured to both of us. "Um… yeah. You think? Have you actually met either one of us?" Her right eyebrow curled up in a sardonic question. _I love you and I want to make you a vampire so we can spend forever using sarcasm and dark humor. _Would that be creepy? Probably. And perhaps a bit too soon, as we had yet to talk about anything but class work. Also, the fact that she didn't really know I was a vampire yet put a damper on that as well. …'_Yet'? And when exactly am I planning to bring this up? Over a biology lab? "Oh, by the way, I am one of the living dead. Could you hand me that dead frog?"_

I sighed inwardly before continuing, "Yeah, I thought so too. And I'm not a big fan of arts and crafts. Who makes posters in high school anyways? What a fucking cop-out."

"Ha! I'd probably just glue my fingers together or something totally special-ed. It would end up looking like some first grader made it. I'm much better at writing." _Can we have sex? Lots and lots of sex for all of eternity? After I make you a vampire – obviously. _I never wanted this Bella to go away. Like last Friday, she was opening up a little… talking to me… showing me some of her personality… I wanted more. She continued, "I'm fine with the research paper if you are. The kids who don't write the paper are just looking for an easy way out anyways. They're probably going to be for their entire lives. That's how you end up asking 'Would you like fries with that?' for a career." How was this girl not meant for me?

_I AM SO IN LOVE WITH YOU!_…and I almost said it out loud. I stopped myself just in time.

I was instantly reminded of the conversation Jasper and I had on our weekend getaway. This _had _to be her. She was perfect for me. In every goddamn way possible. Not only did she have a fucking kick-ass little body that I was absolutely aching to touch, but it seemed that her outlook on life was so in tune with my own views. She _had_ to be the one I was destined to find… didn't she? How did she not feel it too? I mean… not to be narcissistic, but I'm fairly easy on the eyes and she had barely even given me a second glance. Like right now, she was turned back to her books ignoring me completely. Like she did every day we weren't forced to interact. _Am I that horrible to talk to?_ I found myself to be quite the conversationalist. When you've been around almost four centuries, it's sort of hard to run out of things to talk about.

She finished outlining our plan on the sheet of notebook paper, and walked it up to Banner's desk.

And that was it.

No more.

She shut down.

_God, I want so much more..._

~E~

Being around my family was becoming increasingly annoying. As soon as I began thinking about a future (or lack thereof… or whatever…) with Bella, living alone with two perfectly matched couples became unbearable. I spent minimal time at the house – only stopping in to shower and change clothes so people at school didn't think I was a complete deadbeat. I had also taken to running to school in the mornings instead of driving my family since I didn't really feel like sitting in the car with them; Rose loved driving her ridiculous damn red Ferrari anyways. Like that was practical in fucking ALASKA. Talk about drawing attention. Even thinking about it had me rolling my eyes.

Emmett and Rose noticed I wasn't around, but decided to give me space.

Jasper knew I would come to him if I wanted his advice.

Alice missed me. Desperately.

Alice and I had known each other the longest, spending centuries together as best friends and confidants. Technically, we were the same age – in human years that is – we were both seventeen. Because of this, we often pretended to be twins; it wasn't really that much of a stretch since I could practically read her mind. Being friends for three hundred and twelve years will do that. I knew that my absence lately was hard on her.

But it wasn't like I was that far away. I spent every single night that I wasn't out hunting on the hillside overlooking Bella's house. Sometimes I would catch sight of her in the windows and most nights I could hear her speaking softly with her father – these little glimpses into her personal life were what kept me going. She wouldn't open up at school, so I was forced to take what I could get.

My phone started to ring every night around midnight. It was always Alice. Sometimes she wanted to hunt and sometimes she wanted to hang out and sometimes I think she just wanted to hear my voice to know that I was okay.

A few times, she actually managed to rip me away from the object of my obsession…

"Hi, Alice."

"Edward! Hi."

"What can I do for you this evening?"

"Nothing…" her voice trailed off. "I was just making sure you hadn't thrown yourself off of a bridge or a cliff or something."

"Alice. I'm not depressed. Besides, the fall wouldn't actually hurt me. At all. Like, I'd be fine. I'd just have to buy new clothes after mine ripped from tumbling down the mountainside. And I positively _loathe_ shopping – you know this."

Her little laugh came over the phone line, "I know." She paused… "Well… I was wondering what time you thought you'd be home. Because Jazz is hunting with Emmett and Rosalie went out I-don't-know-where and I didn't feel like going with any of them and I thought maybe we could hang out or watch a movie or whatever you want to do."

"Alice… sweetheart… breathe."

She laughed, "Sorry! I just-"

"I know," I cut her off. "I'm on my way home. Pick out a movie. Nothing stupid, though."

"Yay!"

…I missed my sister too…

I rose from the ground, dusted the snow off of my jeans and, with one last look over my shoulder towards her dark window, I took off toward home. It appeared that Bella was asleep for the night anyways, and I knew that I would be back to keep an eye on her before school in the morning. _Creepy, creepy vampire stalker…_

~E~

In the middle of October, Banner began taking us down to the library on the days we worked on our projects in class. We were supposed to use this time to research our various topics and outline our reports. Bella and I spent our time silently in the corner of the library every Tuesday and Thursday re-reading the same chapters in the same books. This library fucking blew. But as long as it was time I could spend with her, I would suffer through any torture.

On one of these so-called 'research days,' Bella noticed that I obviously had zero interest in the book I was supposedly reading and was blatantly staring at her. _Sue me. She's beautiful._ I believe that day I was admiring the gentle curve of her collar bone, but I'm not sure. She looked up at me with a cautious, self-conscious expression in her eyes.

"What?" _Fuck. She saw me staring. umm…_

"Nothing." I spoke too quickly. _Brilliant. Way to sound guilty, Cullen. _"I was just thinking about something." _You. It's always you._

"What about?" She winced slightly after asking this, so I figured she must have spoken before she thought. I didn't care. I just wanted to hear more of her soothing voice. _Wait… she asked me a question. What should I tell her I was thinking about? Think fast, dude…_

"Um… just that we might be able to find some better books at the public library in Anchorage. We should try that over the break maybe. This library is quite limited in its selection of reference materials." _'Quite limited?' Really? I sound like a douche._ No matter how much time I spent engaging in modern society, my old-school vocabulary always came through. Apparently it's something that's hard to let go of. _And did I just ask her to go to Anchorage with me? She's going to say no and ignore me for a month._

"Uh… yeah. Sounds like a good plan." _Wait… what?_ I was stunned into silence. I could only look at her for a few seconds without a single coherent thought in my head. She had said 'yes.' To _ME. _Technically, she said yes to researching a project topic with me… but it was still _with me_. With _just_ me. Away from this godforsaken school library. Again… _what?_ But I didn't want to scare her away. If I seemed too eager, she might back out. I needed to be careful with her – she was breakable… broken…

"Cool," was what I came up with, coupled with a curt nod and a somewhat bored expression. Hopefully, I didn't look too insanely excited about spending my holiday vacation in a public library working on a school assignment. She looked back down at her book then, and I looked back down at the book I was holding. But I wasn't concentrating on the words in the book, I was planning our outing in Anchorage.

_I pick her up at her house, and she comes out looking like a perfect little angel with her pale skin and her long black wool coat. And mittens. Always with the fucking cute-ass mittens. She gets in my car and we take off toward Anchorage, talking about whatever makes her comfortable… music… class… hell, she could recite the fucking square root of pi and I would be thrilled just to be in her presence. _

_When we finally get to the library, I open her door for her; when she gets out of the car, her little mitten-clad hand reaches up and cups my cheek. "Thanks, Edward," she whispers while staring into my eyes. Into my soul. I sigh softly at her touch… at the look of longing in her eyes that's just for me. She ducks her head shyly and we walk into the building. I take her coat for her so she doesn't have to carry it around along with her backpack, and we sit down at a computer to begin our search._

_She lets me do the typing, always preferring to be in the background. This is something I may never understand about her – someone as wonderful and beautiful and kind and gentle as Bella should be out where people can see how amazing she is. But I take the lead and we write down the reference section we're looking for as well as a few promising titles. I place my hand on the small of her back to lead her around the corner towards our destination and I hear her breath catch in her throat. Have I gone too far? Touching her just seems so natural for me… But she turns to look up at me and meet my gaze and her eyes are blazing._

_This is new. I leave my hand where it is and gently urge her forward. We find the books we're looking for and I help her get them down off of the top shelf. She looks up at me and speaks for the first time since we touched, "So… let's find somewhere quiet to read these…alright?" Even without trying she's fucking sexy as hell._

_Every cell in body is drawn to her. I want to take her somewhere quiet and do things to her that would most definitely be inappropriate for the library. Instead, I reach for her hand. She takes mine. Sparks. Always sparks when I touch her. We walk together toward the far corner of the reference section, tucked back in the stacks. I pull her chair out and sit next to her. She begins with the first book on the stack, carefully noting the bibliographical information in her notebook._

"_Here," she says softly while pointing to page 279, "This looks exactly like what we wanted."_

_I lean closer to see the page she's showing me and inhale deeply, savoring her scent. She hears my sharp intake of breath and angles her head so that she's facing me. Our eyes meet. I don't want to scare her away… I want to let her make the first move… but within mere seconds she closes the gap between our lips and she's kissing me. She's tentative at first – nervous probably – but still so soft and warm and supple. I'm drowning in cherries… it's the Chap Stick I see her applying all the time. _

_Her arms reach up to twine around my neck, bringing her body even closer to mine. I can feel the heat rolling off of her. She opens her mouth ever so slightly and I take the opportunity to deepen the kiss. A tiny whimper escapes from her throat and I put my arms around her waist to pull her ev--_

The bell rang…

…once again ripping me out of my fantasy. Never in my life had I been more excited to spend a day Anchorage Public Library. I sighed. And _dammit_, I still had five weeks until Thanksgiving. Five. Long. Weeks.

~E~

Something was wrong with Bella.

Well, okay… it was obvious to virtually everyone in Chugiak that something was wrong with Bella in that she was essentially completely withdrawn into herself and could hardly function in public. Rumor was that she had a nervous breakdown of some kind in Phoenix and was sent up here to live with her father afterwards. High school rumors were notoriously wrong, but it sounded as though that was the general consensus – even among the adults in the community. But… starting after the middle of October, I began to notice that something _else_ was wrong with Bella.

And I didn't know what it was.

And that was killing me.

In my travels as her insanely creepy vampire stalker, I had discovered early on that she was seeing a psychiatrist in town – a Dr. Bill Lavery. I even saw the Chief go in with her once – that was good. In the event that the 'nervous breakdown' rumors were true, it was important for her to have the support of family during her recovery process (thank you, psychology degree from Oxford). I looked the guy up online to make sure he was credible – undergrad at Princeton, masters and PhD from John's Hopkins, moved to Alaska after retiring from his full-time practice. Good. Bella deserved the best. _Does that include me?_

Knowing that she was getting some kind of therapy made me feel better, but it was so obviously not enough. She was losing weight – to the human eye, it may not have been obvious, but I had the advantage of perfect vampire eyesight and she'd lost between five and seven pounds since she began school here. There were dark circles under her eyes that never seemed to go away – most likely from lack of a good night's sleep. She looked drawn and fragile and pale and delicate and even with her pain so evident on her face, she was still the most beautiful creature I had ever laid eyes on. Knowing that something was literally eating her away made me want to save her… protect her… from whatever it was.

She spent a lot of time in the girls' bathroom… after most of her classes she'd practically run to the nearest one at a full out sprint. At times, she would be rubbing her temples on the way or gripping her hands into small fists as though she was in pain – was she taking medication? No one would blame her for taking an anti-depressant following some sort of breakdown, but surely not that many times a day. Did she get migraines? _Hmmm… _I wished I had been able to catch her scent before whatever it was had happened to her. If she was taking something, it would have changed the smell of her blood; however, I had nothing to compare it to.

Medicines like ibuprofen and Tylenol all had the same scent. If Bella were taking something that basic, I would have been able to tell what it was for sure. But anti-depressants... those are the sort of medications that adjust hormones and chemicals in the brain. It's a more subtle art to be able to pick up the scent – much like deconstructing the bouquet of flavor in a fine wine. Although I had tons of experience with biochemistry and pharmacology, my work tended to be research and laboratory related – not practical application. Damn.

A thought suddenly entered my mind… one that could change everything. _Huh. That would actually make a lot of sense… if she's taking drugs to change her brain chemistry… maybe that's why she's hasn't felt me… _Because in all reality, she should have been drawn to me long before now – assuming we were correct that she was my destined mate. Even Jasper, who had been torn apart over the loss of his family when he first met Alice, was completely head-over-heels in love with her from the very beginning. Granted, it took him fourteen months to decide to join us, but he'd still felt the draw.

Bella wasn't herself. It all made sense. Why she wasn't pulled to me… why she was 'blocked' according to Jazz… what she was seeing a psychiatrist for… why she hid in the bathroom… the almost unbearable pain in her eyes… her self-imposed seclusion… It all fucking made sense.

If I was right… my life could change forever.

~E~

One morning toward mid-November, Bella came to school looking totally exhausted. I saw her throw out a giant Red Bull can before entering the building… did she not sleep last night? Keeping in line with my creepy stalker routine which included 'follow Bella around in between classes,' I noticed that she was completely tweaked out – most likely from the jumbo energy drink. _Ugh, gross… well, I do drink blood, so who am I to judge?_ At lunch, she ate more food than I had ever seen her eat in one sitting – but that wasn't saying much, as her usual lunch consisted of three bites of a sandwich and a bottle of water.

By the time she walked into the door of Biology, she looked entirely drained of all life. Her eyes were flat… her shoulders were drawn… she didn't even stop to put her coat up by the door. She walked straight to our lab table, folded her arms and lay her head down. I could hear the deep, even breathing of sleep within seconds. Her head was turned in my direction and I swear… I could sit and watch her sleeping for the rest of my life. Her usual look of pained anguish was replaced by the peaceful, angelic mask of sleep and watching her there… in the middle of our high school biology class… I knew then that I could never let her go.

_My angel…_

Banner gave her a scornful look for sleeping during his class, but I set him straight with a glare of my own. He backed off. _Yeah, you'd better back the fuck off old man… Get a grip, dude._ I mentally rolled my eyes at my own ludicrous behavior. _I mean, come on… it's Banner for christsakes._ He droned on with whatever the fuck he was talking about, but I remained fascinated by the sleeping woman next to me. I watched her back move up and down with each breath… I watched her eyelids flutter lightly… I watched a lock of her hair fall down and skim her face. I longed to push it back, but I didn't want to wake her.

I shouldn't have worried about waking her. When the bell rang signaling the end of the hour, she didn't stir. All the other kids were slamming their books shut… talking loudly… laughing… bumping into our table… but she didn't move a muscle. Not one.

I was going to have to wake her up. I took a deep breath – even though I didn't need it – and lowered my lips closer to her ear. "Bella?" I whispered. She wasn't waking up. "Bella?" Nothing. _Shit, I'm going to have to touch her… wait… I'm going to get to touch her!_ Slowly, I reached my hand out and placed it on her delightfully warm shoulder. A jolt of electricity shot through my hand – straight to where my heart should be beating. Sparks. I stopped breathing. _Fuck, she's beautiful…_ I was going to have to get used to being with her if we were going to spend time in the car together on the way to Anchorage in two weeks.

"Bella? Class is over."

"What?" Her head jerked up a bit as she quickly assessed her surroundings. I saw panic pass briefly through her eyes – it was quickly replaced by uncertainty.

"You slept through class…" She looked over to me, he face drawn in confusion. Her face was just inches from mine now, and her eyes focused on mine for a moment. _She's so amazing._

"I… what?" Her confusion only made her more endearing.

"You slept through class… it's over…" _She is the most beautiful… most adorable… most perfect… most special… most gorgeous woman in the entire universe. _Her eyes were still lightly glazed with sleep, and even then every other woman I had ever known paled in comparison to her.

"Um… ok. Thank you." _You're welcome, darling. I would do anything for you._

I was just aching to ask her what was wrong – to be able to help her with whatever the fuck was bothering her – but I knew it wasn't a good time for a discussion. So, I managed a small smile before picking up my bag and leaving the room.

She went straight to the parking lot after class – something I was noticing she did a lot. Watching her walk to her car with her shoulders drawn in and her head bowed, I vowed that I would begin breaking down her wall soon… she needed help… she needed me. I had put it off long enough.

Tomorrow.

I would talk to her tomorrow.

…_but what the __**fuck**__ do you say to someone who doesn't want you to talk to them?_

**AN: **So, love it? hate it? Review and let me know! :o)

...Up next is a pivotal chapter - it's my favorite one so far.


	8. Breakdown

**Notes on this Chapter:** So, this is the chapter that I actually wrote first… then I structured the entire rest of the story around it. It is the first of many turning points – and hopefully one you have all been waiting for. So far, it is my favorite chapter as well as my longest. It's cathartic and dark, but full of promise and hope. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

We will now rejoin Bella on the day after her nightmare…

**Usual Disclaimer: **Stephanie Meyer owns absolutely everything except my plotline.

**Chapter 8: Bella  
Breakdown**

It was during lunch the day after my nightmare about Brandon that I began to feel it. It started with a weird floaty, detached feeling that made me blink rapidly and shake my head a little as if that would bring me back down. Sitting alone at my lunch table reading a book like always, I felt an ache start up behind my right eye socket near the temple. At first, I dismissed the slight throbbing as the beginnings of a migraine, but it kept getting worse until the words in my book began to pulse on the page and I had to stop reading. Stuffing the book in my backpack, I sighed deeply and stood up. I grabbed the remains of my barely eaten lunch and tossed them away as I hurried out of the cafeteria to pop some Advil (or most likely something stronger) in the bathroom before Biology.

As soon as I locked the stall door and unzipped my make-up case, I found the problem. There they were – nestled right in the labeled pill case, mocking me. Wednesday. Two 150mg. tablets of Effexor. I hadn't taken them this morning. It was already 1:30 in the afternoon. _Shit. Shit. Shit._

How could I have forgotten? I've been taking them every morning for over five months now! Dr. Lavery had specifically told me to be very diligent about taking them at the same time every day to prevent my brain chemistry from being thrown into a roller coaster of chemical withdraw. It would be at least a few hours before I felt normal again. How had I let this happen? Trying to think back to my morning, I found that the details were quite fuzzy. How the hell had I even gotten to school? Did I make it to calculus? I guess my mind was a bit foggier than normal because of the three am Percocet, but how else was I supposed to make it through those long dark hours?

I immediately swallowed down the two pills and sat very still, as though I thought they would begin to work their magic as soon as they hit my stomach. No such luck. _Dammit._ My vision was still pulsating to the beat of my heart and my fingers were beginning to tremble a little. I balled them up into tight fists at my side and walked slowly to the science building without noticing much of what was going on around me. As long as I wasn't making a scene, I could just go sit down on my lab stool and stare blankly at the front of the room. That was totally normal behavior for me anyways, right? No one would notice a thing. How bad could it really get until the pills kicked in?

~B~

My hands were shaking. I could barely hold my pen to the paper to at least pretend to take notes. I was losing it. Totally and completely losing it. My mind had slowly detached from my body and I felt like I was watching the class from far away. Cold sweat broke out on my forehead. Nausea curled in my stomach. _Fuck._ This was not something I could hide. A total nervous breakdown with the physical symptoms of narcotic withdraw. Add a dash of panic attack, and this was most definitely turning into something I couldn't hide. My hand came up from my lap to wipe the beads of sweat from my face, and my fingers brushed his hand. Edward's hand. He was reaching out to grasp my trembling palm under the lab table.

_What the fuck?_

My initial reaction was to flinch away from his touch – from anyone's touch. _God dammit! _I hated feeling vulnerable. However, in my slightly incapacitated state of mind, I looked over at his face and tentatively reached toward his pale fingers. I knew instinctively that I needed something – or someone – to ground me. His eyes were staring intensely into mine and I felt my breath catch in my throat.

"Are you going to be alright, or should I be concerned?" he asked under his breath so Mr. Banner couldn't hear him.

"Ummm…" was all I could reply at first. _What was with the staring? Who turned on the strobe light? And why can't I speak a coherent thought to him? _Was it my lack of anti-depressants or was it the concern I could see in his gorgeous gold-flecked irises that was leaving me tongue-tied?

"Bella?" he tried again. His eyes silently questioned my apparent lack of understanding of his last statement.

"Um… I don't know." I really had no idea at this point whether or not I was going to be conscious in the next five minutes. My vision was pulsing like a fucking laser light show and I figured there were only so many stimuli my mind could take before shutting down to reboot.

"Well if you need to get out of here, I can help you," he replied. _What the hell? Who put a C-clamp on my temples?_

I felt his fingers wind between mine as he clasped my hand under the table. They were cool to the touch – like he just came in from being outside with no gloves on even though we had been in class for over ten minutes already. _Weird._ But I was entirely too distracted by my own mental unraveling to think much about the temperature of Edward Cullen's hands. My stomach started heaving from the throbbing vision, so I clamped my lips together as tightly as I could and focused on controlling the impulse to vomit all over the lab table.

Edward noticed the subtle change in my body language and caught Mr. Banner's attention with his beautiful eyes. _Can I just go curl up in the corner of the room and die now?_ I closed my eyes to shut out the blaring fluorescent lights.

As the teacher approached our lab table, Edward spoke in a soft, velvety tone, "I don't believe Bella is feeling that well, Mr. Banner. Perhaps I should walk her to the clinic." _The walls are closing in… I can't breathe…_

With one look at my face, I'm sure it was entirely too obvious that I was only holding myself together by a thread. Mr. Banner's response to Edward was worried, "Oh my God! You don't look well at all… you're so pale… can you stand?" I shook my head. _But I might vomit on you if you keep shouting at me like that. _"I'm going to have Edward take you to see the nurse… is that alright?"

All I could do was nod weakly. Pathetically.

He motioned us toward the door and returned to the front of the room while resuming his lecture. I could hear his droning voice fade to the background while my concentration shifted towards getting out of the room without causing more of a scene than we already had. I felt Edward shift his position beside me as he took hold of my left elbow and lifted me off of my stool. He didn't let go once I was safely on my feet, and I thanked him silently, not knowing whether or not I would have been able to walk to the door on my own. I had no idea how many curious eyes were on us as we walked out of the classroom, having closed my eyes to turn off the strobe lights that had somehow made their way into the Chugiak High School biology lab.

Walking out into the cold gray day was a relief to my system. The strong north wind blowing on my face brought me slowly out of my head as it dried the sweat on my face and neck. I stood half-hunched over while frantically sucking in deep breath after deep breath, letting the crisp fresh air cool my body and sooth my lurching stomach. The low dark cloud cover blocked out the sun clearing my vision of that incessant strobe-like effect. I felt a grip tighten on my elbow and remembered that Edward Cullen was standing next to me – a witness to the complete construction of my carefully constructed façade.

I took another deep breath and attempted to brace myself for the onslaught of questions I knew he would have. Unfortunately, I _so _wasn't in the right state of mind to answer anything. Now that the nausea was somewhat curbed by the fresh air, I could focus more thoroughly on the detached, light-headed feeling that made everything look like I was watching it on a TV screen. I turned to face him and look up into his eyes, expecting to see a wary curiosity. But there was nothing in his gaze but golden flecks, concern, and…something else… it almost looked like determination. He blinked once and it was gone.

He spoke softly then, as though to calm me down, "Bella, do you really want to go to the clinic? We could stay out here if you are more comfortable."

"Here please," I managed to whisper.

He led me around to the back of the science building where there were some old picnic tables that couldn't be seen from the classroom windows. After sitting me down on the bench seat with my back leaning against the tabletop, he climbed up to sit on the table with his feet firmly planted on the bench next to me.

He didn't talk.

He didn't ask questions.

He just sat with me.

My breathing slowly calmed as the panic attack brought on by my 'situation' faded away, and I was left with shaking hands and the feeling that my head was filled with helium. I heard the bell ring, signaling the end of the period, but made no move to get up and go to my next class. Gym. _Skipping that again today… _Neither did Edward. I felt like I should say something. I mean, he didn't have to sit here with me while I freaked the fuck out. But what was I supposed to say? _Gee, thanks for that. I didn't take my meds this morning and I totally lost it. Guess that's what can happen when you're completely unhinged._

I settled for, " Um… thanks."

"No problem. You seemed like you really needed to get out of there, and I'm not that much into 'classes' per se, so it worked out." He wasn't looking at me anymore. his gaze was unfocused on a point far away from our picnic table.

"Oh." I was a brilliant conversationalist. Not that I had much practice lately with anyone other than my dad, and even that was limited.

The silence between us was comfortable and deafening at the same time. It was comforting because I knew that anyone else would want to know what the fuck happened to me in there, but Edward wasn't asking questions. He seemed perfectly contented just sitting here with me in complete and total silence with no explanation of my erratic behavior. It was deafening because for the first time in months I wanted to tell someone what was wrong with me. _Where the hell is _that _coming from?_ Maybe it was that for the first time since the accident, I wasn't being pushed to talk about it – to deal with it. Maybe that was all I needed – someone who could deal with my insane behavior without forcing a 'meaning' onto every action. I wanted to fill our silence with all of my issues. I wanted to pull my sleeves back and show him my scars.

My emotions overwhelmed me momentarily until I could feel my eyes well up and spill over. A single tear fell down my cheek. My hands still trembling, I wiped it away. I hoped he hadn't seen me swipe at my face. But some part of my hoped he had.

I tried once more to talk to him, "Well… um… you don't have to sit with me or anything. I'll be ok… you know… in a bit." Yikes. Was that my voice? It was shaking uncontrollably, like I was about to cry. I mean… I _was_… I just didn't need him to know that.

"I really don't mind, Bella," he said, ignoring my tremulous tone. "And I was thinking… you really shouldn't be driving if you're not feeling well. You could hardly keep your eyes open in the classroom. I should probably drive you home." It was a question phrased as a statement. As if he knew I would say 'no' to a flat out question given my penchant for suffering in silence. But this gave me an out. He was leaving me with my dignity while still taking care of me. I hated being taken care of.

I liked this.

"Ok." I was definitely not going to be dazzling anyone with my witty repartee anytime soon. Suddenly though, a thought entered my mind, "What about my car? I don't want my dad… you know… to know… that I…" Wow. I was on fire.

"Don't worry about the truck. I can have my sister drive it home after school." So, the people he sat with at lunch were his siblings. "But I should clarify… you're not really ill, are you? I mean, I shouldn't be concerned that we never made it to the nurse?" _How does he know these things?_

"Yeah… I mean, no. I mean… I'll be fine." Again with my lack of ability to form coherent thoughts. At least my voice was starting to even out a bit. Thinking about Edward driving me home and the logistics of getting my car there had given me something else to focus on other than my current mental status. My tears had all but dried up.

"So… you want to get going now?" I could see Edward turn toward me at this last question out of the corner of my eye, so I looked up into his face. His eyes were blazing into mine, as if he could see into my soul with a single glance. I felt stripped naked in front of him, though I most definitely still fully clothed in the eighteen degree weather. What was this? I class, his expressions ranged from distracted to bored to almost asleep. This was new.

"Uh…" _What? Oh yeah…_ "What about… you know… your class…?" I was stumbling through this as though I had never been properly socialized. However, if I were being truly honest, I was more embarrassed about my trembling hands than my lack of verbal prowess. The shaking betrayed my dependency on the drugs.

"As I said, I'm not a big fan of _class_," he emphasized the last word as though it mildly disgusted him on some level. His feet left the bench next to me as he lithely hopped down off of the picnic table and reached out to help me up. I had been right about his hands in class – no gloves. Silently cursing my need for his help, I grabbed on and stood up. Good thing he had a hold on me, because that floaty, helium-head feeling suddenly made the ground tilt dangerously to one side and I almost fell over in a dizzy heap. Edward was right there to steady me, "Whoa! You got that?" _Fantastic._ Not only was I unable to hold a polite conversation with him, but I was also unable to go anywhere under my own control.

"I'm good," I falsely claimed as I threw the arm he wasn't holding out for balance. I don't think he believed me, since his hand never left my arm as he led me out to the parking lot where his silver Volvo XC90 was parked. _Do high school students typically drive Volvos? _He guided me around to the passenger side, placed me carefully in the seat and walked around to get in on his side. As I watched him confidently walk around the front of the car, I was secretly thrilled that he had offered to take me home. My head was spinning and I knew it would have taken me at least two or three hours to make it to my truck on my own and drive all the way home.

"Are you cold, Bella? You're shaking," he asked me when he was turned on the car and began fiddling with the controls.

"No! …I mean… no, the cool air feels nice," I answered quickly. I needed a chill on my face to keep me sane. The shaking was something I was unable to control. He glanced over towards me, but I kept my eyes straight ahead. I guess he realized that he wouldn't get much more of an explanation from me, so he threw the car in reverse and backed out of the parking spot.

The drive from the school to my house was interesting. I had literally been months since I had been in such close proximity to someone other than family, but I wasn't freaking out with Edward for some reason. I sat with my hands clenched in fists to hide the shaking while he drove down Glenn Highway entirely too fast on the dangerous roads, hurtling towards my house. He didn't speak until we pulled in the driveway.

"Bella, I can't… I can't leave you here unless I know you're going to be alright," his voice sounded determined, almost protective. I dared to look over at him after he said this, and I could see that his mouth was drawn into a thin line, as though he really meant what he said. He didn't look at me; rather, his eyes were staring resolutely out the front windshield, focused on an unknown spot.

"Really, Edward… I just need to lie down and rest for awhile. I just… need a minute. But I'm fine. I'm really going to be fine," I replied. I was still looking at him, and I saw him almost turn to look at my face, but it seemed as though he caught himself before he could meet my eyes.

"Alright. I… I guess I'll see you tomorrow in class then." I almost missed the next word that came out mumbled under his breath. "Unless…" he let this statement hang in the charged air between us.

"Unless what?" I couldn't stop myself. _What is wrong with me? Go inside!_

He turned to me then, and looked deeply into my soul. "Unless you wanted to talk to someone…" I could see the desperation and concern in his eyes. He wanted me to talk to him? I was surprised. Not just because this rebellious, anti-social teenager had just offered to talk to me about my feelings, but because – as before on the picnic table – I actually wanted to talk to this well-dressed tattooed James Dean. And that was terrifying.

But I was still feeling light-headed.

Careless.

So…

I jumped.

"Well… you… you probably know why I moved to Alaska," I began. _Everyone knows_. I glanced up at him to confirm my statement, and was surprised to see sincerity in his eyes as he slowly shook his head.

"No. I mean… not really. I don't put much stock in rumors. I'd rather hear your story from you."

That was unexpected. "Um… ok… see, back in July, my brother… um… my twin brother… died. In a car accident. It was a drunk driver. The man… he… he didn't stop. The light was red. He didn't stop. Brandon was driving… he had his seatbelt on… we always had our seatbelts on… I was on the other side… the passenger side. I had my seatbelt on… we always… Anyways, the man… he was going so fast. The seatbelt wouldn't have mattered. Brandon's door was hit by a car going sixty-five miles an hour. And I was fine. Brandon died. And I was fine. I think I felt him… leave me. And I shut down. For ten days, I didn't wake up. They said that it was… um… some kind of extreme survival instinct or something. That I couldn't face what had happened. But I did. Wake up, that is. And face life without him." Tears had begun to stream down my face, but I barely noticed. The relief I felt while spilling my guts to Edward Cullen was so absolute. I couldn't stop now.

"But I didn't really try… to do it. To live without Brandon. Not really. It got… um… really bad. And I… I decided that I didn't really want to… that I didn't want to try to be half of myself anymore. It was like my soul had been ripped… and half of it thrown away. I couldn't live like that. So I… uh… I waited until my mom left me home one night to go meet Phil for dinner and I… um… I…" I couldn't say the words out loud. My voice was catching on them. But I wanted – no I _needed_ – Edward to know. So, tears streaming down my cheeks, I looked up into his gentle eyes and all I saw there was compassion and kindness. Sobs began to wrack my body as I looked down, reached for my sleeves and pulled them back to reveal the scars on my wrists for the first time. "I couldn't… it was… he was… gone. And I…" I couldn't form complete thoughts anymore. I lifted my hands to cover my face and cried into them. I was baring my soul. Cleansing my spirit.

I felt Edward's strong arm go around my shaking shoulders in a gesture of comfort, which only made me sob harder. I must have sat in his front seat for ten or fifteen minutes without doing anything but weeping uncontrollably. I finally began to quiet down, and mumbled, "I'm sorry. I just… I don't know why I just did that."

He didn't speak. I felt his arm tighten around me in a tender squeeze while his left hand reached over to tilt my face so I could look at him. He looked into my eyes with anguish-filled compassionate gaze that said everything I knew he couldn't. Knowing that he wasn't judging me made me want to continue, "So… um… yeah. My mom made me go to a psychiatrist after that. _Obviously_. But she couldn't get me to really do anything. Ever. Plus, I really hurt her when I tried to… um… kill myself. I don't think she could… uh… I don't think she _wanted_ t deal with me. Anymore. My dad – Charlie – he was always the stronger parent. Emotionally, that is. So here I am. Umm. I take a lot of pills now… which… uh… dull my pain. Kind of. And I don't really sleep well. So… last night, I kind of had a nightmare… and I guess I took too many pills. This morning, I forgot to take my anti-depressants… which made me kind of lose it. You know. In class. It was… well, you were there."

For the past five and a half months I had been carrying a ten-ton weight on my shoulders.

It was gone.

I had been unable to speak about what happened to me to my mom, my doctors, my dad, my therapist – but I had just bared my soul to a guy who I had only spoken to during lab days in class. Fear suddenly gripped me as I felt his arm leave my shoulders. _Oh my fucking __**GOD**__. What did I just do? Total psychopath, table for one! _But he was just reaching for the door handle… getting out of the car… and walking over to open my door. _Huh?_

"Come on. Let's get you inside and out of this snow," his voice was velvet and his eyes shone. I let him help me out of the car and up the snowy walkway to my front door. I hadn't noticed, but it had begun to snow lightly while we were in his car. The soft, white flakes were beautiful as they drifted silently to the ground. It was stunning. It was perfect.

I began to fumble in my pocket for my keys once we made it to the front door – mittens are warm as fuck but they make fine motor skills nearly impossible. He held out his hand to hold my mitten for me before I even realized I would have to take it off. _When did he get so observant?_ Placing it in his waiting palm, I looked up into his eyes and had the sudden ridiculous urge to kiss him… _Wait… WHAT?_ I wanted to tell him to put these new eyeballs away, that the old bored eyes from class were much better – no, much _safer_. I dropped my gaze almost immediately and found my key; putting it in the lock, I turned to thank him.

"Um… do you want to come in?" That was not what I meant to say. At all._ Stupid._

He looked at me with a relieved expression and replied softly, "Sure. I need to make sure you're feeling better before I leave anyway." _Yes! No – you are supposed to go home! Don't leave me yet… _Clearly, I was totally unable to make up my mind.

Within ten seconds, I was standing in the front room of Charlie's house with Edward Cullen. He looked a bit out of place surrounded by all of the quilts… and all of the sudden, I wasn't sure what to say or do. _Can you say awkward?_ "I… uh… I'll go hang our coats up," was all I could manage. He gave me a half-smile and began to remove his coat.

Watching him take off his coat gave me a reason to _really_ look at Edward for the first time outside of class. I was suddenly struck with just how tall he was… and strong… and pretty fucking gorgeous… _Whoa._ What was wrong with me? I was standing in my father's living room gaping like a damn idiot at Edward Cullen. Pierced. Tattooed. Edward Cullen. Charlie _so_ wasn't going to be okay with this. _I don't care. _That Effexor needed to kick in… like right now… before I did anything stupid.

And right now I wanted to be stupid. Badly.

I turned away and fled toward the back of the house before I let that happen.

He followed me into the kitchen, still holding his coat, and began speaking softly, "Bella, I can't… I mean… I don't even know what to say. I'm so sorry about what happened to Brandon… you must feel so lonely without him. Just… just know that if you ever need anything I'm here for you, okay?" I turned around to thank him and was surprised when he was standing directly behind me. My eyes trailed up from his chest… to his neck… to his jaw… to his eyes…

_His eyes._

There was unimaginable depth in his eyes as he gazed intensely into my own, causing my breath to catch in my throat and my heart to start fluttering uncontrollably in my chest. _Damn those golden flecks!_ The air around us was charged. His hand reached up to tuck a lock of hair behind my ear and I leaned instinctively towards the touch. _He needs to leave! _His cool palm pressed against my cheek… my eyes slid closed… I inhaled the delicious scent of him… I sighed deeply. I had stopped shaking. My head was fine. Was it the Effexor… or Edward? God, I was so calm.

So.

Fucking.

Calm.

How could one person have such an impact on me? It was like… just being here with him somehow made everything else in the world seem less significant. _He needs to leave. NOW. _I managed to tear myself away from his touch and walk over to the kitchen counter. The loss I experienced from leaving his side was all-consuming. _Don't go! _I wanted nothing more than to fly back across the room and envelope myself in his waiting arms, but I wasn't going to let that happen. Not today. I didn't even know him, really. Damn. I was too vulnerable today… and far, far too exposed.

_Exposed. How do I fix this?_ I took a deep breath, "Thank you… for… everything. For listening. I hadn't… uh… been able to really talk to anyone about that. Sorry to unload like that. I'm not really sure what made me tell you all that shit." _No, like __**really**__. No fucking clue why I said all that. To a stranger. Ok, not a 'stranger,' per se… but a stranger nonetheless… and I can't belie-_

"Bella," his voice broke into my inner turmoil. "Please don't be sorry. Please don't ever be sorry." He sounded so sincere – like being inundated with all of my personal shit was totally okay with him. I didn't understand. He didn't know me from Eve. He continued, "I know how hard it is to cope with loss… and if you felt like you needed to talk about it… I'm just glad you were able to talk to someone. I mean… uh… that is to say… I'm glad you were able to talk to me." I wondered who – or what – he had lost. I also wondered briefly what I had done that seemed to make _him_ tongue-tied for a second.

"Umm… well, alright then." I wasn't sure how to continue the conversation. My interpersonal communication skills were decidedly rusty even when I wasn't freaking out on my meds. I looked around nervously, my eyes landing on the refrigerator. "Can I get you something to drink?"

He smiled and laughed softly as if at some unknown joke, "Uh… no. I'm not real thirsty."

"Oh. Okay." I stalled out again. _Has he always looked at me like that? _I let my eyes travel down his face… to his lips… his chest… I cleared my throat loudly and looked away. _Has he always _looked_ like _that_? And, if so, how the fuck did I miss it? _I felt myself treading on dangerous waters – drawn to this beautiful man like a moth to a flame. As though, at any moment, I would start to burn up and all of my pathetic baggage would come crashing back down on my head.

I decided to take the safe route here, "Listen, I think I'm just going to lie down for awhile. I'm feeling a lot better… just kind of wiped out." I needed to clear my head. He was most definitely not helping me accomplish that task.

He looked me over from the opposite side of the table, "Of course. You must be terribly exhausted after today." I could feel his eyes on me. Feel them raking up and down my body. I couldn't meet his gaze. I felt my cheeks flush. _'Terribly'? What is it with this guy and polysyllabic vocabulary words?_ I smiled slightly at my internal joke. He noticed. "But you do look much better."

I sighed, "Thank you. Again."

"Anytime, Bella," and I knew he meant it.

We walked back into the front room, and I opened the door to let him out. My car was sitting in its usual spot in the driveway. I turned to look at Edward with an expression of total shock on my face, "How did…"

"Uh… don't ask," he answered my unspoken question. "Alice is very, very good when she sets her mind to something. Just… I'll tell you some other time, ok?"

"Okay…" _How the fuck did my car get here? I'm holding my keys. _"So, um… I'll see you tomorrow." I bit down on my lower lip instinctively. _Am I nervous?_

"Yup. I'll be there." His eyes met mine one last time. Desire. Longing. Desperation. These emotions tore through my body in ways I couldn't even begin to understand. He shook his head ever so slightly like he had to force himself to break the spell, and then spoke loudly as if to lighten the mood, "We can use our time in the library to start thinking about when we want to head down to Anchorage, okay? Because I don't know about you, but I'm getting tired of those four books and their combined _six_ relevant chapters." He laughed softly then at his joke. I wondered if he was feeling the same tension I was.

I tried to mirror his lighthearted comment with one of my own, "Yeah, I'm pretty sure if I took any more notes from "DNA: The Building Blocks of Humanity" I would actually be copying it verbatim." I gave him a wry smile and rolled my eyes slightly. "And somehow, I _don't_ think that's what Mr. Banner is looking for…" This was easy. Being myself with him. _Why? _I hadn't been able to joke like this since Brandon died.

He smiled at me then, "Heh… yeah, I'm almost positive they frown on blatant plagiarism these days." _Ha! _His eyes lit up like a kid's on Christmas morning when my lips curled involuntarily into a genuine smile. _I'm smiling… holy shit…_

Suddenly, I felt way out of my comfort zone. I needed to end this conversation. Quickly. "Okay, well… we can figure all that out tomorrow." _And can we also maybe figure out why I lose all restraint when I'm around you? That would be great. _I needed some time to think about all these new things… feelings… developments…

"Sure thing," he replied. He brought his hand up then in a half-wave before he turned and jogged down the front steps and through the now quickly-falling snow to his car.

I shut the door, leaned my back against it and slowly sunk down to the floor. My eyes were wide. My breathing was ragged. My heart was pounding. I could hardly think. I felt complete. I felt alone.

_What the fuck just happened?_

**A/N:** So there you have it. Their first encounter. Hate it? Love it? Let me know! :o)


	9. Libraries are for Lovers

**Notes on this Chapter:** Okay, so I didn't want to repeat the entire chapter 8 from Edward's perspective. *cringes* Please don't hate me. It would have involved far too much repetition in dialogue for this story… and you guys know how I feel about writing/reading the same chapter twice. I'm thinking about doing it as an outtake, since I know you all really want to know what was going through his head, but I haven't decided. I really really really wanted to move the plot ahead… so here you have it… a day in Anchorage with one creepy vampire stalker and his totally psycho love interest. Hilarity and sexual tension will ensue.

Also, this is my longest chapter yet, so enjoy!

**Usual Disclaimer: **I am not Stephanie Meyer I just like the characters she wrote.

**Chapter 9: Edward  
Libraries are for Lovers**

_What the fuck just happened?_

I was supposed to talk to her today. Just talk to her. Work on breaking down that fucking wall she always had up. Instead, through some miracle from **GOD**, I ended up with my hand on her cheek in her father's goddamn kitchen. _So much for wanting to take things slowly with her._ I mentally went back through the events of the past three and a half hours.

…the classroom… her violently shaking body… her tiny, warm hand in mine… the picnic tables… her fucking delicious scent in my car… her story… _Fuck… her story. _Hearing her words… _seeing her scars_… I had to touch her. I had to wrap my arm around her. I wanted to draw her close to me – envelope her in my embrace – and never let her go. I wanted her to know she would never be alone as long as I could be there for her…

I also didn't want to scare her, which I'm pretty sure I almost accomplished in her kitchen. _Shit. Shit. Shit. _But if she hadn't looked at me like that… with those lust-filled eyes… I wouldn't have touched her…

_I followed her into the kitchen, still holding my coat, and began speaking softly, "Bella, I can't… I mean… I don't even know what to say. I'm so sorry about what happened to Brandon… you must feel so lonely without him. Just… just know that if you ever need anything I'm here for you, okay?" She turned around to face me and her eyes grew wide when she noticed how close I had come. Was it fear? Attraction? I could only hope it was the later. All I knew was that I couldn't stay away. The desire to be near her… to touch her… was overwhelming. Her gaze traveled up from my chest… to my neck… and finally her eyes met mine… _

_Her eyes. _

_Her eyes were full of so many emotions it was hard to read them – pain… determination… desire… hurt… relief… lust… hope… I didn't know which ones were real and which ones I was only hoping to see there. I could hear as her breath caught in her throat and her heart started to beat rapidly. Tempting… so fucking tempting… the air around us was charged… I couldn't stop my hand from reaching out toward her… and __**sweet Jesus**__ her hair felt like the finest silk as I ran a finger along a stray lock and tucked it back behind her ear. _

_She fucking leaned into my hand._

_I didn't want to touch her… okay, that's a complete lie. I totally wanted to touch her in every fucking way possible, but I also didn't want to tempt fate with this broken girl. Would she notice that my hands were cooler than her skin? Would she run screaming when I told her why? She let my palm press against her cheek and her eyes slid shut. Her breath came more deeply and almost immediately her hands stopped shaking. Was she feeling calm because of me? I already knew how she made me feel – like nothing could ever bother me as long as I could see her… hear her… touch her… fucking taste her… _

…_**aaaand**__ I needed to stop right there. Before it got awkward and I got excited and she… well, anyways…_

_Suddenly, she sighed deeply and whirled away from my touch. _

I was almost positive I completely freaked her out. _Fuck!_ That is, until she thanked me for helping her and offered me a drink and I thought she wanted me to stay… but then… she kind of asked me to leave… but after that she got completely comfortable with me… and started a conversation about our project and her car. Talk about mixed signals. I even got her to smile… and it was like angels burst into Handel's fucking Halleluiah Chorus. But even though every cell in my body was screaming at me to stay right next to her and never let her out of my sight, I managed to walk down the front steps… half-wave at her like a total douche (_really? A half-wave? What the fuck is wrong with me?_), and jog through the snow towards my car like I wasn't going through severe withdraw at her absence.

I drove my car out of sight of her house before I needed to pull over. I sat there, in the front seat of my car down the road from her house for I don't even know how long, gasping for air that I didn't even need.

_I almost lost her. _

_Before I ever met her, I almost fucking lost her. _

I tore my hands through my hair, not wanting to face the inevitable truth of her situation. _She doesn't even want to fucking be here. She doesn't even want to fucking be alive. _It was so much worse than I thought… how was I supposed to convince a girl who didn't want to live at all, to live forever?

I couldn't go home.

So I took my car home… and went to the next best place.

I spent the entire night on the hillside overlooking the Chief's cabin deep in thought about what all of this meant. Clearly, Bella had decided to open up to me. For whatever reason, she chose me… it could have been a cosmic pull towards her soul mate (_me!_), or it could have been because I happened to be the guy sitting next to her in Biology class when she lost it. Either way, it was done and I didn't know what to do with my newfound knowledge. I mean… she'd already had a soul mate… a twin… whom she lost. Someone she had loved so much – missed **SO** much – that she actually tried to _end her own life_ to be with him again. How the fuck was I supposed to compete with that?

I couldn't.

_Fuck. I am so screwed._

~E~

I had no idea how to act the next day. Were we friends now? Would she acknowledge what had happened at her house? Had she felt it? Would she talk to me at all? Would she _look_ at me at all? Was I acting like a teenage girl? _Yes. Tool. Get a grip._

I had decided that I was going to let things unfold naturally. Let her come to me. I couldn't convince her of anything… I had to let her set the pace. She had already been through so much… and I was supposed to tell her that I was… what? A vampire? Her soul mate? Her eternal lover? Somehow, I didn't see any of those going over well. Plus we had a lot of shit to deal with – take, for example, the drug usage – which, let's all be honest here, explains a _**shitload**_ about her behavior.

But after all of that… after hours upon hours of brooding and finally deciding on the best course of action, my determination to let her come to me only lasted through second period. And really… I was surprised I was able to wait at all. I literally felt like I could jump out of my own skin with the anticipation that was coursing through my body. I decided that the most non-invasive approach would be to force our paths to cross in the courtyard; it wasn't really that hard – she was coming into the Social Sciences building while I was leaving it on my way to go shove some pencils in my eyes over in the math building. After history, I walked quickly from the room and made my way out into the quad. I leaned against the cool brick wall waiting for her to enter the courtyard from left…and when I finally caught a glimpse? _Shit… she gets more beautiful every goddamn time I see her_. I watched her sneak a furtive glace upwards… but she hadn't seen me yet. I gracefully pushed off from the wall, made my way towards her and placed myself in her direct path. Her eyes flickered up to mine briefly… then away… then she fucking smiled as she hurried on to class. It wasn't much, as smiles go, but her lips definitely curled up at the ends – the kind of smile you give someone you share a secret with. _It's me! She has a secret with __**me**_.

_I kick __**so**__ much ass right now._

The real clincher would be if I could garner that same smile during lunch… which I did. _Because I am the fucking king._ Emmett's jaw hit the floor, "Dude. She just smiled at you. Well, not so much 'at you' as 'in your general direction,' but still...that's… whoa."

"I know," I replied smugly.

"When did she realize you exist?" Emmett and Rose hadn't been home after school yesterday when I dropped off my car or this morning when I went home to change – off on a 'sexual camping trip' of sorts I had assumed, I _really_ didn't want to ask – so he didn't know yet about my encounter with Bella in the Chief's kitchen.

"Yesterday."

"So, I'm gone for less than fifteen hours and you get her to smile at you?"

"Uh… yeah," I rolled my eyes. Obviously.

"Dude. Nice." Fist bump.

"Dude. I know."

Rosalie rolled her eyes and huffed out a breath, "Men."

So, she was going to acknowledge me. That was established. Today probably wasn't going to be the best test for the "Is she going to talk to me" question, since we were going to have to interact in the library no matter what. But since I was already miles past pathetic when it came to Bella, I was willing to take what I could get when I could get it. I settled onto my lab stool and waited for the moment of truth.

Banner took role and walked with us down to the library; two kids evaded him and slipped out the side door for a smoke. Bella and I fell into step side-by-side behind everyone else. This was new – she hadn't ever walked with me before. I wanted her to talk first. If she said something first… that meant… well, it meant that yesterday really did mean something. To her. I already knew how significant it had been for me.

Suddenly, she looked up at me from underneath her dark lashes, "Hi." _There is a God. Heaven exists. And I am there… right. fucking. now._

"Hi yourself. You look much better today," I said back, trying to keep my tone light and comfortable.

Her breath came out swiftly, "Oh, I _feel_ so much better." Her words were genuine. _She _was genuine. Genuine and pure and beautiful and wonderful and fucking talking to me. _I win. If there were a prize, I would be the winner of said prize._

"That's good to hear." _You have no idea how good._ "You had me worried there for a bit yesterday." _Again, no idea._

She smiled meekly up at me, "I know… and I'm really sor-"

"No… please don't be." I cut her off quickly. "Please, Bella… _never,_ ever be sorry with me." I didn't want her to ever feel badly about telling me anything – no matter how painful or horrible it may be. I would always want to know. Always.

She rolled her eyes at that, "Well… can I at least be sorry about being sorry?" Slowly, one eyebrow rose up as she leveled her gaze with mine. I loved this Bella. Quirky, sexy, sardonic, funny Bella. She seemed to catch herself then and I watched as she started to wring her hands with nervous energy. _No no no no no… please don't go back into your head… _

I held the library door open for her and all it got me was a little head nod and a whispered, 'thanks.' We gathered up our four books (and their combined six chapters) and sat in our usual spot in the corner. Bella's eyes were darting nervously around the room… she bit down lightly on her lower lip… _can I do that for you? _For a few minutes I was briefly caught up in my head with visions of me sucking and biting on Bella's lips… and what that would inevitably lead to… but, I digress.

I decided that the best way to get her to loosen up and talk to me some more… to even look in my direction… would be to start a conversation on a harmless topic, our project. "So, I was thinking about these 'reference materials' here (she arched an eyebrow) – yes, Bella, I'm using the term loosely – and I think we should figure out when we want to head down to Anchorage over break. These just aren't going to cut it, and I want to make sure our little day trip doesn't interfere with any family plans you might have." _I also think we should figure out how I can spend as much time as possible with you in the next few centuries._

"Oh… yeah… okay," she replied, "It doesn't matter to me. I think it's just going to be Charlie and me this year for Thanksgiving. We might not even cook a big meal…" I wondered why not. What about her mother? Wouldn't she want to see her only daughter – her only _child_ – at the holidays? But Bella answered my silent question when she blew out a breath and kept going, "My… uh… mom is taking a trip with my step-dad for five weeks… they'll be gone for the holidays… I pretty much have an open schedule. It's not like people are banging down my door to hang out with me." _I would rip the door from its hinges and pulverize it into a million tiny pieces if it meant I could hang out with you. Would that make you feel better?_

Her face when she said this was so… utterly devastated; I could hardly bear to look at her. I tried to put myself in her position – Brother? Dead. Mother? Clearly out of pocket for the time being. Father? Ok… he's here, but he's literally all she has. Friends? Nope. Me? Insanely (and creepily) in love with her while stalking her (also creepily). She was facing the first holiday season without her twin brother. How the hell was she holding it together? Most likely, the pills she talked about yesterday… which I was going to have to discuss with her eventually, when we knew each other a bit better. The years I spent doing pharmaceutical research had taught me that she was going to be having a real tough time of it – probably very soon – if we didn't address that issue.

I planned out what I was going to say carefully; I wanted her to know she wasn't the only one without holiday plans, "Honestly, I can go whatever day is good for you. We aren't that much into Thanksgiving at my house." _Or any holiday that centers on eating vast quantities of food… which none of us actually consume. This is because we are vampires. Oh, and by the way, I would like for you to become one as well. How does that work into your holiday plans?_ I was quickly coming to the conclusion that there was absolutely no possible way to slip that into normal conversation without sounding like I had just escaped from the mental ward and was in desperate need of a straight jacket.

"That's sad." Her brow furrowed as she studied my face.

"Not really… we enjoy time together without the holidays, why should we need a specific day to recognize that?" _Also, we've had centuries of holidays… and as much as it pains me to say, they do eventually lose their luster._

"Huh. Well… yeah. That makes sense."

"I know it does. I often make sense."

She narrowed her eyes at me. This was her 'you're being a pretentious asshole' look. In studying her every move over the past few weeks, I had learned that this look was generally reserved for Banner. I backpedaled quickly, "_But_, I am often a pretentious asshole as well… so it evens out." She let out a satisfied huff. I was pleased that I could tell what she was thinking.

Her eyes downcast, she shrugged her shoulders and spoke softly, "We can just go that first Saturday then. We're going to have to work on it some throughout the week anyways, and we might as well know what we're working with." I rejoiced in my head – I wasn't going to have to go a day without seeing her!

"Would you like me to drive? Or we could take your truck if you'd rather drive…" I let the sentence trail off, hoping she would let me drive. I was much safer on the roads than her. I mean, I was completely in love with the girl, but that still didn't mean she could park that behemoth in between the lines. I almost shuttered visibly at the thought of her driving that monstrosity in traffic.

"Um… you drive. I'm not that great at parking my truck yet… and I don't even want to think about maneuvering it in traffic." I was really starting to love this… _thing_ between us. It made me feel like I could read her mind. Were we really that in sync?

"Okay, we'll take the Volvo."

"Great. That…sounds… wonderful…" she trailed off as she finally met my eyes. And suddenly, I was drowning… in two deep pools of liquid brown… I was drowning, and I fucking loved it. It's a good thing I don't require oxygen, because I never wanted to have to come up for air. The tension between us was thick. My cock was instantly – and painfully – hard. Her heart fluttered appealingly in her chest… her breaths were shallow – almost panting… she licked her lips and bit down… her face was flushed… her eyes… _is that desire? Does she want me?_ I don't know how long we stared across the table at each other.

The bell shocked us out of our trance.

She jumped to her feet and grabbed her things quickly with a nervous laugh and a throaty "Umm…" I most definitely had not meant to eye_-_fuck her for a majority of the class period… and I had to adjust myself discretely before I broke through the front of my fucking pants… _Jesus Christ! _We weren't even touching and my cock was throbbing.

As we walked out of the library somewhat dazedly, she turned to me, "At least one good thing came out of yesterday's little pill mixup…"

"What's that?" _Something other than the fact that you might want me as much as I want you?_

"I got out of gym." And with a hopeless little sigh, she made her way slowly towards the locker room. I was suddenly inundated with mental images of Bella in various stages of undress and had to force myself to get it under control so I could attend Spanish at least once this week.

_Aye Dios mio_.

~E~

The week and a half we had left before Thanksgiving Break was, quite possibly, the longest of my entire life – and that's actually saying a lot. The days were full of nervous glances and shy conversation. Some days, I would get _sexy, sarcastic Bella_ and some days I was talking to _shy, nervous but-still-sexy-as-hell Bella_. One day, she said nothing. It was like she couldn't decide if she was comfortable talking to me… like she wasn't sure she was ready to take down her wall, and I sure as hell wasn't going to be the one to force her to do it. She had enough going on. But I was going to make damn sure I was there when it finally fell.

Neither one of us had mentioned yet what happened that day in her kitchen, we just silently acknowledged the changes it brought about. We didn't have another 'sexy eye-fuck stare-down' in the library again either… which was unfortunate. I had thoroughly enjoyed that… well everything except the raging unfulfilled hard-on part – those were getting annoying. She could hardly meet my gaze after that day; was she scared of what she might see… what she might do?

I had a feeling today would change everything.

I was nervous.

I was so fucking nervous to take her to Anchorage for the day that I had Alice pick out my outfit and I had Jasper give me a pep talk. His advice? _Let her know you can be there for her. She's been through a lot. Alice was so good to me… I mean… this whole lifestyle is really overwhelming, and she was very understanding when I wasn't ready. Don't scare her… but let her know how you feel about her… slowly._ Big fucking help he was. I already knew that shit. I guess that just meant my head was in the right place. Which was good. Right?

I took a deep breath…

…and walked up to her front door.

When I got to the bottom of the steps, she opened the door. I stopped dead in my tracks. She was like my perfect fantasy come to life. She was wearing jeans and her long black wool coat (of course, I had long since noticed that we matched _every_ goddamn day), those adorable mary-janes she insisted on wearing all the time and black mittens. _Goddamn fucking cute-ass mittens_. Her hair was held in two low ponytails right under her ears – the long dark waves cascading down her shoulders – and she had on a little black wool hat with a damn pom-pom on top. I was going to die from her cuteness… and the hardness of my traitor cock. _Cullen! Get it under control!_

"Hi! I'm ready to go. Charlie's fishing today… so let me just lock up real fast… and we can go." She turned the key in the lock while said this, put her mitten back on and turned triumphantly back to me. I still hadn't moved a muscle. "Edward? Are you okay?"

I forced my mouth to form words, "Uh… yes. I am. Let me carry your bag for you." I forced my arm to move up and take her backpack from her and my feet felt like lead weights as I walked her to the car. _This woman is going to be the death of me. I am a four-century old vampire and she reduces me down to a fucking seventeen year old adolescent boy with no impulse control!_ I got a grip as I walked around the front of the car and by the time I sat behind the wheel I felt much more like myself.

We drove in silence for a few minutes. She was looking out at the passing snowdrifts and I was reveling in her deliciousness. _Feel the burn, dude… this is just the beginning. _I could control it… I knew I could control it. But I also knew that once she was ready to join me, hers would be the most motherfucking delectable blood I'd ever tasted.

Finally, she spoke softly, "So… um… you know quite a bit about me." It was the first time either one of us had referenced that afternoon ten days ago.

I laughed lightly, "Yeah, I guess I do know more about you than you know about me."

She turned to me then, "So… you'll tell me a little bit about you? I think it's only fair…" She was playing on my sympathy which – in all seriousness – was the complete opposite of fair. I couldn't deny her anything even if I wanted to."And I was wondering… about you… and your family. Those other kids you sit with… they're your siblings I guess? That's a big family…"

_Dammit… here we go…_

I took a deep breath and began to recite the lie, "Emmett and Alice are the only two who are my real brother and sister… Alice and I are twins actually. She's the little brunette… I got all the height, obviously. Rosalie, the blonde, is Emmett's girlfriend who moved out of her parent's house when she just turned eighteen at the end of August. She came up here when we did to be with Em. They're planning on getting married after graduation. Jasper is only seventeen… but let's just say that the system couldn't hold him and leave it at that. He's the kind of guy who goes after what he wants, and he wanted Alice, so he came up here as well when we moved. It feels like they've been together forever, and we've all known him a long time, so it was really only natural that he live with us. Emmett is actually nineteen – he took a year off from school when he turned eighteen to get all of the legal paperwork together and stuff… and he had to get a job for a year. Technically he's… uh… my legal guardian… and Ali's."

I absolutely loathed lying to her. If I could feel illness, my stomach would be churning. The only thing keeping me from blurting out the awful reality of my situation right now was that I knew I only had to keep it from her until she could actually handle the truth. I had to keep reminding myself that she was still delicate… she wasn't ready to hear my truth yet.

She thought about what I said for a minute… then, "What about your parents?"

"They're… uh… not really in the picture anymore," this was the tough part… none of our parents had been around for centuries, and it was always tricky explaining them away. We looked so young, but were so close to being considered adults; after a year or so in a new town, the lie was much easier to keep up since we were 'legally' able to live on our own. Most of the time, no one asked questions. Bella's face crumpled slightly, as though she thought she was making me relive a bad memory. "No, no… please don't feel bad. I don't. It's fine. We're together, and we're a family, and that's all that matters."

"Okay… I didn't mean… I just… I thought… I'm sorry… ah, shit…" She was truly a woman after my own heart – tongue-tied and full of foul language._ Perfection._

"Bella, please relax."

She took a deep breath, "Okay. I just… have a really annoying habit of putting my foot in my mouth. I always think I might grow out of it, but it just never happens. Brandon says…" she took a deep breath and continued, "…_used to say_ that it was endearing. But he was always so full of shit when it came to me. He would say things just to make me feel better…"

I smiled at her memory of her brother. She grew quiet after this, and I didn't want to push the conversation; this was something I knew she was uncomfortable talking about, and today was going to be perfect.

I could feel it.

~E~

The Z. J. Loussac Public Library was located on Denali Street in downtown Anchorage. I parked the car and walked around the front with the intention of opening Bella's door for her, but she beat me to it. I rolled my eyes internally. Clearly, she wasn't used to chivalry; we would have to work on that. I did manage to get our bags out of the backseat and carry both of them with minimal protest, so that made me feel better. Baby steps.

I held the door for her and we entered the lobby; she began removing her mittens and hat – shoving them into the pockets of her long coat. Her tiny fingers worked the buttons… one… two… down the front… _Bella taking her clothes off for me… with me… dammit_. This was going to be a long day. The coat fell off of her shoulders and I caught it before it could fall to the ground.

"Thanks," she mumbled. "I'm a little clumsy sometimes." _You're perfect. All the time._

"My pleasure. Let's find the reference section, shall we?" _And there I go again with my 'Ye Olde Dialogue'. Why do I have to be such a tool around her?_

She glanced over at a directory on the wall and bit down on her lip, "Hmm… it's upstairs… to the… left." Glancing over her shoulder to me to make sure I was following, she led the way up the staircase and I immediately became hypnotized by the sensual sway of her hips… her ass… the way her jeans clung to every curve of her totally hot little body… her tight long-sleeved shirt and how it clung to her full breasts and _god-fucking-dammit_ I was going to have a hard-on all day today.

Don't judge me.

I mean, how could I not? I had my own personal goddess.

We found an empty computer and I set our bags down. While Bella bent down to pull out a notebook and pen to write down the books we wanted to pull, I discretely adjusted my rather painful erection – something I was getting _way_ too good at. She let me sit at the terminal and type while she wrote down the titles and locations of twenty or so books we thought would help our research; the most promising being an autobiography by Watson himself, _The Double Helix: A Personal Account of the Discovery of the Structure of DNA_. Armed with our list, we grabbed our stuff and began the search.

Thirty minutes later, we had a rather large stack of relevant books and a round table in the back corner of the reference room. The only book we were unable to find was the book by Watson himself; at only two-hundred and fifty-six pages, the little paperback was proving difficult to find among the larger hardback titles. According to the catalogue online and the reference librarian, it was not checked out. She concluded that it must have been shelved in the wrong location. _Clearly._

The three of us began to search the science shelves methodically, Bella starting in the middle and working her way towards me while the librarian made her way from the other end. After a just a few minutes, I found it. I bent down to reach for the slim volume just as Bella saw it and moved forward.

_Oh… shit…_

Our faces were almost touching. Her eyes flew to mine. I could feel her heated breath on my mouth. I heard the sharp intake of her breath. _One inch. One inch and I could be kissing her._ Her eyes were wild. She wanted this. I could tell. Her face moved… _toward_ mine. She licked her lips. _Dear God in heaven above, this woman is trying to kill me… _It was taking every single ounce of my self control to not close that distance between us, crush my mouth hungrily to hers and take what I so desired. Her breathing stopped… her heart sped up… her eyes closed half-way. She looked up at me through her lashes and her head tilted _just_ slightly to the right whil-

"Did you find it?" _Yes. Fuck you._

Bella whirled around quickly and held up the book while clearing her throat, "Yeah. Yes. It was just on the wrong shelf. Thanks for helping Mrs. Cope. We appreciate it… I think this is going to really help our project." She was breathing hard and her voice was different… flustered. _Yeah, she was just about to kiss you, you lucky bast- Holy shit. She was just about to kiss me._

"Oh, good! Let me know if you kids need anything else," Mrs. Cope replied while walking back to her desk. I immediately felt bad about telling this nice old lady to go fuck herself, even if it was just in my head. She was just trying to be helpful. She also had the worst possible timing in the entire world.

Bella. Almost. Kissed. Me.

There was absolutely no fucking way I was going to be able to read these books. I don't care how much of my brain I could use. My mind kept going back over what just happened… well, what just _almost_ happened. Bella almost kissed me. Me. That meant she wanted me, right? I was overjoyed… elated… on cloud nine… as well as terrified all at the same time. What was I supposed to do with this fragile, broken girl? I'm not exactly known for my self-control; I'm the kind of guy who takes what I can get and then gets out fast before anyone dies. _I am so not good enough for her._

We went through the books for about two hours. I hadn't read a single word. Bella hadn't even acknowledged my presence since the… uh…_ incident_ by the shelves. I was going crazy. _Talk to me. About anything. Look at me. Look at me now. _I stared across the table at her tiny form bent over the biography, and made my decision. "Bella?" Her head flew up as though she was waiting for a distraction and she looked at me questioningly. "Let's just check these out. We can read them this week at your place or something and I can bring back the ones we don't end up using."

She dropped her head to the table and blew out a deep breath, "Oh thank GOD. That's a lot easier. Meet you downstairs, okay? I'm going to get a library card so I can check these out." I could only nod. I watched her, fascinated with her every move, until she turned the corner on the stairs. Taking the books we weren't going to check out, I placed them on the returns cart by the reference desk, smiled at Mrs. Cope to make up for my earlier internal indiscretion, and ran down the stairs to meet Bella at the checkout desk.

We had to wait a few minutes while they processed her form and while we waited I held out her coat so she could slip it on. She looked up at me awkwardly, "Umm… thanks." _Has no one ever been a gentleman to this girl? Like, ever? _I shook my head and put our newly checked out books in my bag while she put on her hat and mittens.

We made our way through the now-falling snow to my car and I put our bags in the backseat, but made no move to get in the car. It was now or never. I had to go for it. I put my hand on her arm and turned her to face me; she looked into my eyes with a curious expression. _Just do it. _"What would you say to an early dinner? Did you eat lunch?"

She shook her head, "No… I forgot. I guess I am kind of hungry, actually."

"Great. I know a little place right around the corner. Do you like Italian?"

Her eyes lit up, "Mmmm… I love it." _And I love you._

"Let's go." I grasped on to her little mitten-clad hand and led her down the sidewalk.

~E~

_La Bella Italia _was this little hole-in-the-wall restaurant in downtown Anchorage that's known for its apparently mouth-watering fare… not that I would particularly know; the last time I actually ate food it was 1654 and I lived in Florence. As soon as we walked in the door, I knew I had made the right choice. The walls were lined with private half-circle booths where we could talk freely to one another while the dim lighting and music allowed for even more seclusion. I requested a booth and when we got there I slid in and around towards the back so I could be closer to Bella… she, surprisingly, did the same.

Our waitress came over and took our drink order right away – Diet Coke for Bella and water for me which I wasn't exactly planning on drinking. Bella was nervous. I could tell. She was shifting in her seat and her shoulders were stiff and she was wringing her hands and I wanted to tell her it was all going to be okay… but I figured that since I was the one making her nervous, it wouldn't make a shit bit of difference. The waitress brought our drinks then, breaking the tense silence between us, and asked _me_ what I wanted to eat.

_Um… aren't you supposed to take the woman's order first?_ How obnoxious. I looked at Bella to signal for her to go ahead and order. She hadn't even glanced at the menu from what I could tell, but she chose the ravioli anyways. I got some pasta dish as well… pasta is exceedingly easy to push around your plate to make it look as though you've actually eaten. As soon as the waitress was gone, Bella's nervousness returned. I decided, once again, that I was going to have to be the one to break the ice.

"So, it looks like we'll have a lot of good information to work with," I began.

"Yeah… my **GOD**… that library is so much better than the school library. I wish we had more time here. I'll probably have to come back by myself sometime… I could spend hours in a library… I kind of have an obsession with the written word."

"Oh, really?" I was greedy for knowledge. I wanted to hear everything about this woman… wanted to know what made her tick… what made her happy… what brought tears to her eyes… everything.

"Ha… yeah. I generally try to go to bookstores and libraries alone because I can lose myself… and all track of time. People get bored waiting for me." _I would wait forever for you… and I might actually have to…_

"What do you generally read?"

"Oh, pretty much everything. I'll read anything I can get my hands on. I have a soft spot for the classics… Jane Austen… Emily Bronte… you know… but I love a good modern mystery too."

"Interesting… I love reading as well. It's probably my favorite pastime." _Well, it was before you moved to town. Now, my favorite pastime is stalking you. Creepily. _

We spoke a bit more about books but our food arrived soon after that, effectively ending that line of conversation. I had to ask the waitress to refill Bella's Diet Coke… _and the tip goes down_. Bella got nervous again as she began eating her dinner, while I played with my food. She seemed fine earlier in the car… and then at the library… but I knew it was only a matter of time before I started freaking her out. Maybe it had already begun? _What the fuck is making her so jumpy?_ _Jesus!_ I hadn't been this neurotic since… well… ever. It was slightly disconcerting that I didn't even know myself anymore, but I was willing to overlook my drastic personality change in lieu of the fact that it was directly related to Bella's arrival in my life.

Suddenly, she inhaled deeply – ending my internal reverie – and brought her head up to look at me, "Edward… listen… I don't know what's wrong with me." _Nothing, you're perfect_.

"What do you mean?"

"I just… I can't… UGH. Okay, I don't really know how to say this without it sounding really weird, so I'm just going to say it. I didn't want any friends here. I didn't want to let anyone in. And then… then all that stuff happened the other day… and I basically poured my heart out to you… and then again today… I mean… we almost… _Jesus,_ every time I look in your eyes… I just don't know what to do with it all. All I know is that I want to be around you. But I don't think I can be… I mean… I'm not fucking ready for _anything_… what I'm trying to say… I'm not really in a good place right now… _shit_… this isn't coming out right." She put her head in her hands and sighed deeply. Suddenly, her head popped back up and her eyes met mine, "I want to be friends. With you. I want to be your friend. I don't think I can keep ignoring you. I don't want to." Her eyes were pleading with mine, like she wanted me to acknowledge this – _whatever – _that we had going on between us. This was not what I had expected – here I was thinking she was weirded out by me, and she was trying to bring me closer.

"Good," was all I could come up with.

"Good?"

"Good. Because I don't think I have the strength to stay away from you anymore." I let that hang in the air for a few minutes. _Too honest… too honest… too honest…_

Her breathing sped up a bit and she swallowed loudly, "Well then. Okay." Phew.

"Okay. You want to get out of here?" I could tell she was done picking at her pasta, and the Diet Coke was long gone.

"Yeah. Let's go home." She sounded relieved that the conversation had gone so well. _How the fuck else would it have gone? I would have to be an idiot to refuse her…_

I paid the bill quickly, once again ignoring the fucking obnoxious waitress. She actually had the gall to put her phone number on the check… like she totally didn't see me sitting here with Bella. On our way out, I placed my hand lightly on her back as I led her through the open door… I couldn't keep my hands to myself. She sighed softly and leaned into my touch _just_ enough that I could feel the shift in her weight. _Yeah… this whole friend thing isn't going to last long…_

We walked slowly back to the car in the already dark afternoon. The snow was falling harder now, making me very glad I had driven. Bella was walking out in front of me a bit and she threw her head back with her arms spread out, looking up into the sky. _She was so fucking gorgeous. _She held out her hand to catch the snowflakes on her mitten and looked up at me, beaming like a little kid. "You know, I never really thought I would like snow. Living in the south my whole life… I just thought it would be white and wet and cold… but it's just so damn beautiful. I wasn't expecting that."

I looked down at her, "Yes… it is. Beautiful." But I wasn't talking about the snow. I was talking about her. My angel. My voice sounded choked… full of lust… could she tell? Could she see it in my eyes? She had to…

Her voice caught in her throat while she spoke, "Come on… we should be getting home." But she made no move towards my car. She just stood there biting her lip.

"Yeah…" I didn't want to leave either. After a few minutes in the falling snow, I realized that Bella could feel the cold wind that I could not and that I should get her in my warm car. I cleared my throat, "Um… okay. You must be chilly. Let's get you warmed up."

"Okay." She didn't seem too excited about getting in the car though… but then again, neither was I.

I had started the car already – you've got to love remote ignition in the wintertime – so it was already nice and toasty for her. She sank down in her seat and sighed deeply. God, I wondered what was going on in her mind. As I pulled on to the highway, I realized that I was going to have to tell her… explain to her… about me. She could feel it, I knew that now. She was mine. My forever. My missing piece. Something changed in me the moment I saw her… something deep. I would never be the same. But something had changed in her too… and she didn't understand it. And that wasn't fair. I was going to have to deal with it… eventually. There was just so much other crap to deal with at the same time.

We drove in companionable silence for awhile before I spoke, "Bella… there's… something I need to tell you. I just… I can't say it yet…" I wasn't ready to tell her. She wasn't ready to know, and I wanted her friendship so badly… so _selfishly_.

"…you're different…" she whispered softly from her seat.

I felt my eyes widen, "…and you're observant."

"It's okay. You can tell me when you want to… when you're ready. It's actually kind of nice to know you might have some demons too. You already know mine." She turned her face to look out the window at the passing countryside, "We're actually a lot alike… you and I…"

I sighed heavily, "I know, Bella. Believe me… I know." My voice was colored with everything I wanted to say, but couldn't.

Too quickly, we were back in her driveway, and I was facing the painful thought of not being able to see her the next day. She jumped out of the car and grabbed her bag before I could even focus on what she was doing; this girl was really starting to make me question my supposedly rapid reaction time. Figuring she was set on going inside, she surprised me by not closing the car door right away. She stood, her body outlined in the doorframe of my car, with a thoughtful look on her face.

"So," she spoke quietly, "Do… uh… do you want to come over tomorrow to go through the books we checked out? I, um… don't think I got a real good look at the library."

_Abso-fucking-lutely. I want to spend every moment of every day with you._ "Sure. What time should I come by?"

"Anytime after 9:30 or 10:00?"

"Ten it is."

She smiled over at me, "Great. See you tomorrow morning, then"

"Yup, see you."

And she was gone. Walking up the front walk. I waited until she got inside, and drove away.

**A/N:** **HOORAY FOR MOVING THE PLOT ALONG!** …love it? hate it? you know what to do… REVIEW!

Also, for those of you who are wondering, I really do my research on this shit. The Z. J. Loussac Public Library is the branch of the Anchorage Public Library Systems that is located on Denali Street in downtown Anchorage. I wanted my characters to have leave town for the day, and even though technically there is a library branch in Chugiak, they went to Anchorage. (Conveniently, at the time of the , the Chugiak Branch is actually closed for relocation at the moment – like, for real – so, they couldn't have gone there anyways. Also… technically, it is closed on Saturdays, but this is fiction… so who the fuck cares?)


	10. Friends Right Okay

More moving of the plot. ENJOY!

**Usual Disclaimer:** All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of ME. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. Also, no copyright infringement is intended.

**Chapter 10: Bella  
Friends. Right. Okay.**

The second I shut the front door on my day with Edward, Charlie called out from the kitchen, "Bells? Honey? How was it? I thought you'd be home awhile ago…" I was feeling so overwhelmed from the emotional rollercoaster of my day that I really didn't want to deal with anything right then. Even my dad.

"Everything was fine dad. We just found more books than we thought, so it took longer." _Oh, and he took me out to dinner… was it a date? Also, I almost kissed him in front of a librarian in a moment of complete mental breakdown… and I have no idea what the hell I'm doing or feeling anymore… but that's beside the point. How was your day? _

He stuck his head out from behind the doorframe and observed me as I took off my many layers by the door. His eyes were worried as he continued, "Well… ok then. I was just… anyways. Good. I'm glad it went well, and you're home safe." My dad was as transparent as Saran Wrap; he'd wanted to meet Edward before he drove me to Anchorage, but the timing was off this morning – Charlie had already left for work by the time Edward picked me up. Generally speaking, I wasn't allowed to spend time with guys my parents hadn't met, but I assumed Charlie had made an exception because he was just thrilled that I was socializing with someone my own age again. Never mind the fact that it was for a school project.

"I know, dad. But it was fine. I'm fine. Do you want me to make dinner?" Not that I really wanted to eat again; I was just dying to change the subject. The idea of having to talk about today before I had the chance to sort it all out in my head was dizzying.

"Sure. I caught a few salmon today that we can grill." By 'we' I knew he meant 'me'. _Neat._

"Great." I tried to sound enthusiastic. But I wasn't hungry… or excited about smelling like fish. All I wanted to do was go up to my room, sit in the dark and try to figure out what the hell was going on in my massively screwed up life.

But first, some Excedrin Migraine.

In preparation for spending an entire day with someone decidedly more normal than myself, I'd gone light on the drugs that morning – just the Effexor and three Advil. I hadn't wanted to start acting like a strung-out lunatic during our first day together outside of school. Plus, I was banking on the fact that not having to brave the halls and classrooms of high school would take care of a majority of my panic attacks. For the most part I had been fine, but my head started aching on the car ride home… apparently it was too much to hope that I could go one day without a splitting headache. _Because my life couldn't suck anymore if I wanted it to. _I sighed heavily as I swallowed the two pills.

I had also been testing out a new theory. Ever since that afternoon when I momentarily lost my mind and confessed my deepest, darkest secrets to Edward, he had been able to make me feel things. At school, I started to feel calm around him… at peace. So part of why I hadn't taken so many pills this morning was because I wanted to see if that theory would hold true – that I could be calmed by Edward's mere presence. It did. It was odd, though, because the fact that he calmed me so completely was really disconcerting… so my brain had been at odds with my emotions all day long. I wasn't anxious around him, but I knew that it should bother me that I wasn't anxious. Like everything else in my life it was fucked up and it didn't make sense. What else was new?

An added bonus to not taking too many pills that I hadn't counted on at first was that I had been coherent for my entire day with Edward Cullen. Okay… if I was being truly honest, I'd been coherent _most_ of the time. Being near him was like a drug in and of itself, and there were a few times when I just got… lost in him. One of them being when our faces had gotten far too close and I'd practically jumped him in the reference section in front of the kind, elderly librarian. Talk about embarrassing. But there was just… _God_… _there was something about him. _Something that brought out feelings that were a far cry from 'calm' or 'peaceful'; it appeared as though Edward Cullen could make me feel all sorts of fun things. It was like… I couldn't stay away. It was stupid.

Stupid and foolish and dangerous.

I had the fish sizzling in one pan with some broccoli in another, but my body was on autopilot; my mind was _miles_ away from Charlie's little kitchen and the meal I was preparing. It was on the last meal I had eaten… and the way I had, once again, bared my soul to my lab partner. _What the fuck is my problem around him anyways? Does he ooze truth serum out of every pore?_

Unless I had suddenly developed a very localized case of Alzheimer's in the past few hours, I was pretty sure that I'd practically confessed that I wanted him. What the hell was with my word-vomit at the restaurant? I believe I said something along the lines of: '_Jesus,_ _every time I look in your eyes… I just don't know what to do with it all' _and '_I don't think I can keep ignoring you. I don't want to_.' Actually, I'm pretty sure that's exactly what I said. And if that didn't come off as more than slightly creepy and obsessed I don't know what would. Plus I knew that I was just opening myself up to more pain when he kindly told me eventually that I was a little too unhinged for his liking. _I am such an idiot. _Like I could take any more pain in my life.

Plus… _friends_? Who was I kidding? _What a crock of shit!_ I wanted to be his friend about as much as I wanted to spend the holidays with my crack head mother. I craved so much more from him. And that terrified me. I should be sprinting away from him… _he's not even my type… I don't really know him at all…_ The rational part of my brain was screaming for me to stop obsessing about this and leave him alone, but my body was trying to go full-speed ahead to Edwardville. This was totally something I couldn't deal with. Not now. My life was in shambles. _Why me? Why now? Why this?_

I lifted the pan off the stove and began plating up the fish and vegetables.

Charlie had apparently set the table while I wasn't paying attention and gone upstairs to wash up.

I filled the two glasses on the table with water.

Still mentally going over my conversation with Edward, I couldn't help but think about what he had said back to me. _I don't think I have the strength to stay away from you anymore_. It was replaying in my head over and over again, like a cassette tape on a loop. _I don't think I have the strength to stay away from you anymore. _Of course, that begged the question – Why was he trying to stay away from me in the first place? The most obvious answer was that I was completely bat-shit crazy. _I mean… damn. I have issues._ Issues that I had brought to the forefront of our 'friendship' with my little 'emotional escapade' eleven days ago. Did that mean he could be willing to look past them? _Why do I even care? _I shouldn't care! _Why is my stupid life so fucking confusing anyways? And when did I start using air quotes in my head? When I went crazy. That's fucking when._

"Dad!" I called out, "Dinner!"

"Be right down!" he called back.

_I don't think I have the strength to stay away from you anymore. _

Charlie and I ate in companionable silence as usual. The fish actually tasted good – I mean it was freshly caught Alaskan salmon, you can't really screw that up – but since I had technically already eaten, I barely poked at my plate. This was pretty normal behavior for me though, and Charlie didn't think to question my lack of appetite. When we were finished, I cleared the table and washed the dishes slowly… thoroughly… letting my mind wander over the last conversation I had with Edward this afternoon.

_After leaving Anchorage, he drove in silence for awhile. I was at ease, being in the car with Edward. Our silences were never uncomfortable. From the other side of the car, I heard him breathe in deeply and knew he was about to speak. I was so aware of him it was pathetic. His voice when he finally spoke sounded… remorseful… pained… "Bella… there's… something I need to tell you. I just… I can't say it yet…" _What does that even mean?_ My head began to run through different scenarios… he didn't mean to almost kiss me… he changed his mind and we couldn't be friends… he already has a girlfriend… why should I even care that he has a girlfriend? My brain began working in overdrive – going much faster than my verbal filter…_

"…_you're different…" The words came out of my mouth before I even knew what I was saying. Immediately, I knew they were true. Edward __**was**__ different. Something about him… I couldn't place it… was just… not normal. But then again, I was the one having very public nervous breakdowns, so who the fuck was I to judge?_

_I snuck a glace toward his face, and watched as his jaw dropped open ever so slightly. He spoke quietly and his voice sounded guarded, "…and you're observant." So I was right… he was different… but different how?_

_Did it even matter? I mean… the more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea that there was something in his life he was having trouble facing… it meant we had that in common. "It's okay. You can tell me when you want to… when you're ready. It's actually kind of nice to know you might have some demons too. You already know mine." I turned my face away from his incredulous stare so I could look out the window at the dimly lit passing countryside, "We're actually a lot alike… you and I…" I let the thought trail off, not knowing what I really meant by it but also knowing instinctively that it was true. Something kept bringing us together, and there had to be a reason. Fate could not be _that_ cruel._

_He sighed heavily, "I know, Bella. Believe me… I know." It was like he wanted to keep going… to explain himself, but something was holding him back. I desperately wanted to ask him what the hell he was talking about, but there was something in his voice that stopped me. He would tell me, I knew, when he was ready._

_Too quickly, we were back in my driveway. As I grabbed my bag and hopped out of the car, I realized that I wouldn't be seeing him tomorrow and just thinking about that made my chest tighten. _I need him. _That single thought alarmed me, but I desperately tried to push it down into the festering pool of things I was trying to forget. Needed him for what? To quell my panic attacks? …or was it something more… _Don't think about it. _Instead of swinging the door closed and calling out a goodbye, I turned to look at Edward. His eyes searched mine for an explanation of my stalling. _

"_So," I began, "Do… uh… do you want to come over tomorrow to go through the books we checked out? I, um… don't think I got a real good look at the library." _See, I was too busy thinking about you._ Please say yes… please say no… please say yes…_

"_Sure. What time should I come by?" Yes! My whole being rejoiced that he would be spending the next day with me. _Stupid. Dangerous to let someone else in. _I ignored my internal critic._

"_Anytime after 9:30 or 10:00?" That should give me enough time to wake up… shower… shake the sleeping pill haze…clean the living room… perfect._

"_Ten it is." _

_Hearing him verbally confirm what time he would be over, I suddenly became insanely nervous. Charlie was going to be home all day tomorrow. I attempted to smile at him. "Great. See you tomorrow morning, then."_

"_Yup, see you." He seemed excited about seeing me tomorrow… right? I had to tear myself away from the car at the risk of seeming desperate… _

My reverie reminded me that I still needed to tell Charlie that Edward would be coming over in the morning – unfortunately for both of us, he would be home most of the day. I returned the dishes to their respective cupboards, walked into the living room and tried to sound as nonchalant as I could, "Hey, dad?" _Why am I so nervous?_

"Yeah?" He was half distracted by the scores flashing by at the bottom of SportsCenter, and I was hoping to use that to my advantage.

"Um… I just wanted you to know that… uh… Edward is coming over at ten tomorrow to work on the project… if that's ok, I mean. Well, I sort of already invited him. But, you know…" A_aaaand I'm rambling. And nervous._ Charlie was bound to pick up on that. We never really talked about our feelings, but he wasn't dense and I was being entirely too obvious.

I was right; his eyes narrowed almost imperceptibly as he looked quickly away from the screen and took in my agitated state, but he didn't mention it. He merely nodded his head once and spoke in voice that belied his teasing words, "Good. It's about time I met this guy you went gallivanting all over Anchorage with."

_Fantastic._ "I don't gallivant, dad." I tried to make a joke out of it as well. It came out sounding forced.

His tone softened immediately. "I was kidding, Bells. I was just nervous about you spending the day with some guy I'd never met."

"Dad," I scoffed at him. "I was fine. And it was for a school project."

"I know, I know. But you're my only girl… you're all I have left… and I'm a father – it's my job to worry about you. Are you going to deny me my God-given rights as a dad?" He was doing a very poor job of disguising the pain in his eyes with what was supposed to be a lighthearted comment.

What he had actually said finally hit me… I was it. An only child. An only daughter. He hadn't meant to do it… but the reality of my situation slammed into me with the force of a Mack truck. He saw it in my eyes. My chest tightened. I hadn't taken enough pills today. Not for this. Charlie stood quickly and crossed the room in two long strides. I hunched over. Pain gripped my heart. He grabbed me into a tight embrace. A sob ripped from my throat. I grasped at his arms. _Bells I'm so sorry._ Was he talking? Tears streamed down my face while I sat on the floor in my father's strong embrace. _Shhh… it'll be okay sweetheart…_

I breathed in deeply – in and out, in and out – and tried to recover from the debilitating attack. Aside from the 'Effexor incident' I hadn't had a panic attack like this since I stopped talking to my mom. I didn't know what it was… didn't know what hit me so hard. Maybe just having it spelled out like that – out loud – maybe I couldn't handle that. Charlie sat with me on the floor of the living room until my breathing slowed and my heart stopped pounding.

When we finally walked upstairs for bed, he turned to me and spoke in a low worried tone, "Bells… we need to do something about this."

"I know," I replied in a quiet whisper. My eyes stayed focused on the floorboards. I couldn't look him in the eye. I could no longer deny that I had zero control over myself. It was like I wasn't even _me_ anymore. I wasn't coping. I wasn't getting any better. I was masking my pain with pills and Edward Cullen. How the fuck _that_ was happening I had no idea – but it was.

Charlie pulled me in for one last hug before bed. A kiss on the forehead and pat on the shoulder later, I was standing in the middle of my room feeling more alone than ever. My life had spiraled out of control when I wasn't looking, and I needed help. I needed help with my depression… my panic attacks… Edward… my dreams… my pills… everything. And the only person I could talk to apparently was someone I had just met.

_God damn Edward fucking Cullen._

While I took a long, hot shower I tried to be angry at him for having this effect on me. I mean, after last Wednesday I was clearly dancing on the edge of a cliff in regards to my sanity. How dare he force me over! But the more I thought about him, the more I wanted to spend time with him. And the more I wanted to spend time with him, the more ideas popped into my head as to what we could do with that time… _Oh. My. GOD. Do not even GO there. _I needed to stop those thoughts right freaking now. I shook my head violently as though that would bring to an end my lascivious dreams.

Because that's all they were.

_Dreams_.

I took a deep breath and let out a long sigh as I got under the covers. That was somewhere I just couldn't think of going. I had entirely too much to deal with to begin with, let alone starting an unrequited relationship with some guy. But as much as I tried not to think about him… as frustrated as I was with myself… it was just fucking perfect that my last thought before the fog of the Ambien closed in around me was of Edward Cullen…

…_I don't think I have the strength to stay away from you anymore…_

**~B~**

Sunday dawned cloudy and cold. As usual, it took me a few Snooze buttons to get out of bed even though I was way too excited that I would be spending the day with Edward. I was having a hard time shaking the Ambien haze, so I poured out a cup of the coffee Charlie made that morning and set about my morning routine. I took my time getting ready – straightening my hair, ironing my black button down shirt, picking up the living room and kitchen where we would be working… I was trying to keep myself occupied so I wouldn't have to think about what was going on inside my head.

Because all morning my head was a discombobulated jumble of images involving me either slapping Edward in the face for taking over my every thought or grabbing his face and shoving my tongue down his throat. Surely there must be a comfortable middle ground… one that didn't entail my hands (or my tongue for that matter) getting anywhere near his face. That would be ideal. Then I found myself standing in the living room staring despondently at the couch where we would be working, wishing my dad would magically disappear this afternoon. _I wonder what we could do with a couch and an empty house…_

With that mental picture seared on the backs of my eyelids, I smacked my own forehead in frustration and raced up the stairs to check my hair one more time before going back down to watch for him from the front window. _Pathetic_.

At exactly ten o'clock, I saw Edward's car pull up outside. From my seat in the front room, I watched as he lugged his over-stuffed bag out of the back seat and begin to make his way up the front walk. I was suddenly overcome with a feeling of unease… _is he wearing a short-sleeved shirt under his coat? He does that sometimes and Charlie won't like the tattoos. Does it matter what Charlie thinks? Nope. Friends. Friends. We are going to be friends. And I am going to ignore the urge to lick him._

_I swear._

His knock at the door pulled me from my inappropriate thoughts. I walked over to the door and put my hand on the doorknob… fumbled with the simple locking mechanism… turned the knob in my hand… and there he was, standing in my father's doorway looking perfectly out of place and perfectly beautiful. My body relaxed immediately and I desperately tried to ignore the questions that this inadvertent reaction brought up in my whirling mind.

I looked up at him and he gave me a bright smile, "Hey. You ready to learn more about DNA than you ever actually wanted to?" His eyebrows rose at the question and he looked so adorable…

"Absolutely," I replied with a small smile. _How does he DO that?_ My dad couldn't even make me smile like Edward could. Speaking of my dad… "Um… my dad is home today… he's going to try to stay out of our way and let us work… but… you know how dads are… he wants to meet you… and stuff…" _And stuff? _I was mentally smacking myself on the forehead.

"That's cool, I'd love to meet the Chief," Edward sounded almost excited about meeting my dad. He took a moment to shrug out of his coat – _long sleeves, thank GOD._

"Um, okay… come on back then." I motioned for him to follow me back into the kitchen, and was suddenly inundated with images from the last time we occupied this room. Edward's hand on my cheek… my body relaxing into his touch. But Charlie walking through the doorway from the living room brought me back to the present. In the instant I was supposed to say something gracious and hospitable, however, I became annoyingly tongue-tied and couldn't even open my mouth to properly introduce Edward to my father. _I am such a fucking SPAZ._

Edward seemed to sense my hesitation; he turned gracefully from me and faced my father, "Hello. I'm Edward Cullen, Bella's partner for the biology project. You must be Chief Swan." He stuck his hand out.

Charlie returned the gesture and grasped Edward's hand, "Yup. That's me. Nice to meet you, son." I could see my dad's eyes taking in everything… the impeccable manners… the piercings… the modest clothing… the piercings… and one eyebrow rose slightly in mild confusion – probably over the conflicting images. I hoped Edward missed out on that.

"Alright, dad. We're going to get to work. We have a lot of books to get through in the next few days if we are going to have our outline finished by the end of the week." Both of them turned to stare at me as I finally got my wits about me and opened my mouth. I could feel my face flushing.

Thankfully, my dad seemed to sense my unease and took the focus off of me, "Okay then, kids. Living room is all yours." Charlie walked into the front room and opened the Sunday paper; he would be occupied for quite some time.

I led Edward into the living room and we took up seats on opposite ends of the plush couch. _Mmmm. The couch_. But before I could become thoroughly distracted by my wanton thoughts, he started taking an absurd amount of books out of his bag – _did we actually check out that many books yesterday?_ Apparently so. "Uh…" I looked over at Edward, "isn't this only supposed to be like… a ten to fifteen page paper? On the guy's _entire life_?"

Edward grinned over at me, "I believe so."

"So… basically, we are ridiculously over prepared, then."

"Definitely," he confirmed.

We spent the next few hours poring over the various books – some were very useful, some were not. I had my laptop out, working on the bibliographical information of the books we were planning on using while Edward started to outline Watson's life. One of the books written by Watson himself – there were a few – made me laugh out loud. The title showed that this guy obviously had a sense of humor. _Avoid Boring People and Other Lessons from a Life in Science_; apparently I had missed this one in my Edward-induced haze the previous afternoon.

"What?" Edward asked from his end of the sofa; I had laughed loudly and immediately fallen into a contemplative silence.

"Just… this book. It seems like this guy had a pretty cool sense of humor for a Nobel Prize winning scientist. It… huh… it actually reminded me of something that happened to me at school once."

"What's that?" He had turned his head and was looking at me now, with genuine interest.

"Well… it was one day in our History class. Brandon and I had it at the same hour. And we were studying the Holy Roman Empire… and the teacher made some comment about 'those _crazy_ Hapsburgs' and I was the only one to laugh. Loudly. God… I don't even remember the joke… but anyways, some girl looked over at me and called me a loser under her breath, but a lot of people still heard. They started laughing at me. I bolted out of my chair like it was on fire and ran to the bathroom to cry. Not even thirty seconds later, Brandon walks into the _girls'_ bathroom to see if I'm okay. I started to ramble at him about how he was so much cooler than me and how sorry I was that I was such a tool and how the fact that I had to leave the room was really more mortifying than actually laughing at the joke… but he cut me off before I got too self-deprecating and said, 'Bell… that girl might think she's fun and cool and pretty and popular… but you are interesting and funny and quick-witted and sarcastic. I would rather spend every second of my time with you… no matter how red your face gets, you will always be smarter and more beautiful than her.' I remember looking at him… like I was seeing him for the first time. I mean, I knew he loved me. That was a given. We just… didn't say things like _that_ out loud. You know?" _I don't even know. Why am I still talking about this? Out loud? _I got quiet then… still not entirely sure why the book's title had brought on that memory. Or why I felt the need to tell Edward about it.

"Bells?" Hearing my dad's voice from the hallway returned me to the here and now. Edward was staring at me… my dad was in the doorway… a book was open on my lap.

"Hey, dad. What's up?"

I looked up to see an undecipherable expression on my dad's usually readable face. "I was just wondering if you were planning on taking a break anytime soon or if you were going to keep Mr. Cullen hostage in the living room with no food all afternoon?" I looked at the clock and saw that it was already past two in the afternoon.

"Oh wow! Edward… why didn't you say anything? You must be starving!" I looked at him with a playfully accusatory glare.

He returned my gaze with wide, innocent eyes and a sheepish shrug, "I guess I didn't realize the time either. Besides, I'm really not that hungry."

"It's cool. We can keep working." That actually worked out well for me, since I didn't feel like trying to choke down food right then. If I skipped lunch, I could eat more at dinner later and that would make Charlie happy. But Edward seemed to be rethinking the 'meal' plan.

"No. You should eat. I mean we should… together… eat." He spoke forcefully.

_What? Was that English?_ "What?"

In the barely five seconds it had been since his verbal mess, he seemed to have completely composed himself. "What I meant to say was that we should take a break. It's often helpful to take breaks while studying – it actually improves cognition. And we should eat. It will help us focus." He abruptly stood up from the couch.

"I don't have problems focusing." I remained firmly planted in my seat. _I'm not eating. You can't make me._ Apparently I had regressed to the thought processes of a two-year old.

He held his hand out for me to take, silently asking me to come with him into the kitchen.

I narrowed my eyes.

He wasn't going to give up. _Dammit._

I finally acquiesced and extended my arm out to meet his. When our skin touched and he pulled on my hand I felt my breath hitch in the back of my throat and barely held in the embarrassing gasp that threatened to leave my lips. I frantically turned my head to the door where Charlie had been only moments before, but it seemed he had returned to the front room and the sanctuary of the Sunday paper.

_Oh thank GOD._ I could _not_ have Charlie seeing this.

There was a current pulsing between us. It was exactly what I felt in the library the day before, only a hundred times stronger. I jerked my head up to meet his gaze with my own eyes full of questions and confusion. Our hands remained clasped between us. _What is going on?_ I silently pleaded with him to explain this… this… _connection_ we seemed to have. I didn't understand it. I couldn't. It was too much. He looked deeply into my eyes, all the way to the depths of my soul and shook his head minutely. I wasn't sure if I was meant to see the barely discernable gesture… but I did.

"Edward…" my voice came out in a choked whisper I didn't recognize. "What…" I let myself trail off. My head was spinning with a hundred… a thousand… a million questions and I didn't even know where to begin.

He blinked his eyes once… slowly… and began to speak then, "Bella… I didn't want to do this. Not now." His expression was one of painful admission. "You're too… I mean, you're not…" he was struggling with his words. "Shit…" I heard him curse softly under his breath.

_I'm too what? Too unhinged? _

_I'm not what? Not what you want? _Why should that even matter? But it did matter. Too much.

I could feel my face crumple with the realization of what could be the case. He could tell I thought there was something there and he didn't want to lead me on. That had to be it. How had I even gotten to this place? It's not like I was asking for this to happen… I had no control over my reactions anymore… I had never felt so helpless to my own emotions. Ever. Not only was I submitting to daily uncontrollable panic attacks, but I was also inexplicably drawn to this man and was holding his hand in the living room of my dad's house as though the entire fucking universe revolved around our grasp. In the back of my mind, I knew that this was something beyond me… beyond anything I had ever known. I was desperately trying to reason with myself and figure it out, but he opened his mouth to speak again and I forced myself to pay attention to the words I knew could destroy me.

"Bella… please give me one more day. Just one more day. I promise I'll tell you everything. Just give me until tomorrow." _That is not what I was expecting him to say._ I'm sure the confusion showed on my face.

"Wait… what? One more day for what? Edward… I don't understand... I feel like I don't understand anything anymore…" I was speaking quietly… pleading with him.

Edward's expression changed suddenly, softening into an almost intimate caress of my face and his grip on my hand shifted to pull me toward him. I allowed my body to follow his lead as he gently took me into his arms. I relaxed into his chest as he enveloped me in his embrace, setting his chin on my head. I could hear his breath as he inhaled deeply and sighed. "Bella… Bella…" he murmured my name over and over under his breath while his hand absently stroked my hair.

All of the doubts flew from my head.

_This is where I belong._

I had never felt so _right_ in my entire life. The only thing that existed in the world was Edward and his arms, desperately clutching me to him as though he needed me to breathe. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to be lost for a moment in his embrace… his heady scent… his presence. All too soon, he straightened his arms and held my shoulders so I was facing him. His eyes blazed. His voice was rough. "I'm so sorry. This is all my fault. It's… something I should have dealt with earlier… and I… anyways, I can't put it off much more. Do you remember what I said in the car? About having a secret?"

I couldn't speak just then, so I merely nodded silently.

"Let me take you somewhere tomorrow where I can explain everything. We'll have to tell your father we are working at my house"

I nodded again.

"And you'll need to dress warmly."

Another nod.

"Will you come eat now, Bella? Please?"

Nod.

He took his arms from around me then, and I almost wept at the loss of contact. This was not something I was able to process. I mean really… what the fuck was he even talking about? How could there be some secret in his life that involved_ me_? I felt like I was in an alternate universe. This was not my dad's living room and I was not mourning the loss of contact from some guy who just held me in his arms. _Nope. Didn't happen._

After leading me into the kitchen, Edward watched me for a few moments while I stood in the middle of the small room confused about what I was supposed to be doing. It's not that I didn't understand that he wanted me to make food… but… I had a lot going on in my mind just then. I was just having a really hard time making sense of the past fifteen minutes. And his being anywhere near me wasn't helping at all with my cognition. Pretty quickly, it was apparent that I would not be making anything to eat without a shove in the right direction. He moved in front of me and bent down slightly so that our eyes were on the same level.

"Bella?"

"Yes." My voice was barely audible.

"What would you like to eat?"

"Not hungry." I wondered if he could even hear me. My whispered words seemed lost in the air between us.

His head tilted to the side and his eyes turned desperate. He moved away from me and turned to open the pantry. I was having trouble concentrating just then, but I did hear him rustling around… moving bags and cans of food… cursing softly under his breath when he discovered that my dad and I don't really keep a lot of food in the house besides fresh fish and… well… things that go with fish. Finally, he turned triumphantly back to me and held out a can of potato soup.

"Now _this_," he declared while indicating the soup can, "even _I_ can't screw up."

I just stared up at him, not ready to talk just yet.

He looked at me with a hopeful expression and turned toward the stove. His head was moving back and forth, as if he was trying to figure out what to do first. After about fifteen seconds, he admitted his confusion, "Now… Um… where do you keep… your things. For cooking?"

That did it. I snorted out a laugh – _Wow, Bella, that's totally hot _– but I just couldn't help it. Edward was just so put together all the time… really smart and well-spoken; I had never seen him this clueless about anything before, and it just didn't fit in with my image of him. Looking over at him with a wary expression on my face, I finally found my voice, "You really don't have to do that… I can make my own soup from a can. And… honestly… it's totally obvious you have absolutely no idea what you're doing in a kitchen… and I don't want you to mess up my cookware." _In other words: Please take the hint, put down the soup can and step away from my stove._

For a moment, he looked genuinely hurt and I worried that he thought I had actually insulted him… but he finally picked up on the sarcasm in my expression and started laughing loudly. "Yeah… I would be the guy who burns it to the bottom of the pan, rendering both of them useless – the soup _and_ the pan." He dropped his head in mock chagrin and held out the can so I could make lunch.

As I flipped on the gas burner and slowly began stirring the soup, I realized I was actually kind of hungry.

~B~

The rest of the afternoon practically flew by. Between bowls of soup, stacks of books and pages of notes, I lost track of the time again. Around six o'clock, I heard Charlie coming down the stairs. He stopped in the doorway as he had before, and asked Edward if he would like to stay for dinner. Wait. _Charlie _wanted someone to stay for dinner? What the hell? That was a first. Once I got over my shock at his invite, I panicked.

_No. He would not like to stay for dinner. I need time to obsess about him and try to figure out what the hell I'm going to do tomorrow. My life is totally fucked up right now and I just can't handle the two of you in the same room at this point in time._

I looked over to see what Edward's answer would be, and to my immense relief he replied smoothly, "Thank you so much for the kind invitation, Chief Swan; however, I promised my brother and sister I would eat with them this evening. Kind of a family dinner thing."

"Oh well… maybe next time." Why was he pushing it?

"Absolutely. I would love to."

With that, my dad wandered down the hallway to the kitchen whistling – a not-so-subtle hint that it was time for Edward to leave soon. He seemed to get the hint as well, and started to gather his things together. I wasn't sure how to broach the topic of 'tomorrow' so I just came right out and asked, "So… um… tomorrow. What do you want to do about that? I mean… if we're saying that we're going to your house, should I meet you there? Or… what?"

He thought about that for a moment while stacking the library books into his bag. "No. I'll come get you."

"Okay… why?"

"Well… first of all, my house is a bit difficult to find. My siblings and I live way outside the city limits. Second of all… we aren't really actually going there. So since you don't know where we are going, it makes no sense for you to drive."

"Oh. Right." _I had __**almost**__ forgotten about your plan to take me away to some secluded place and tell me a secret that somehow involves me and my inability to control myself around you. Thanks for reminding me. And please don't let that secret be that you are a serial killer. That would just be the icing on the cake of my fucking ludicrous life._

"So. What time in the morning?"

"Early." My response was way too eager. _Shit. Whatever._ He already knew I was psycho. I was beyond being embarrassed around him at this point. What dignity did I really have left?

He laughed softly, a beautiful sound, "Okay then. Early it is. How about eight thirty?"

I nodded, "Yeah. Okay." And before I could fully process what was going on, I had walked him to the front door, waited while he shrugged into his coat and watched him as he walked down the steps towards his car.

He was gone.

And I felt empty. Again.

I walked numbly to the kitchen where Charlie stood – his back to me – looking into the refrigerator for something we could make for dinner. I made my way across the kitchen and stood next to him; both of us stared at the food for a few minutes without talking. I was fairly certain neither one of us was truly thinking about food just then – at least, I know I wasn't. Eventually, I mentally shook myself and turned to my dad, "Hey. We're letting all the cold out of the fridge. What do you want to eat?"

My question almost startled him, further proving my assumption that he was not thinking about food. He glanced down at me with a startled expression at first, as though he hadn't even noticed me standing next to him… he quickly recovered. "I was thinking about heating up some leftovers. You had a long day… I don't want you to feel like you have to make dinner all the time."

"Thanks… but I really don't mind it. I like cooking. …I'm not like mom…" My mother was perhaps the worst cook in the world. Nothing ever turned out right. Edward had joked earlier that he was probably the only person in the world who could ruin soup from a can. I beg to differ. My mother would have literally melted the pan to the stove. I mean it. It was a bad scene.

Charlie looked over at me and chuckled softly under his breath, "Believe me, Bells. I know your cooking is absolutely _nothing_ like your mom's. I just thought it would be nice give you a night off." Apparently, there was no changing his mind about this as he grabbed the Tupperware out of the fridge and headed over towards the microwave.

Although the distraction of cooking dinner would have been nice, I did have a lot to think about. I mean… when Edward left, the feeling of emptiness was almost overwhelming. And that scared the shit out of me. I had already been abandoned by Brandon… now I had to add this unexplainable feeling of utter loneliness on top of that. This was going to crush me. Add to that the fact that I basically fucking _needed_ to know what his lips would feel like on mine in some weird primal way, and I should just go crawl under my covers and never come out. This whole "Edward Thing" had the potential of completely destroying whatever sanity I had left. And let's just put it out there… I didn't have much left in the sanity department.

Just thinking about everything that had happened in the past two days made me want to run upstairs and take a Vicodin or three. I sat down at the kitchen table by myself and dropped my head into my hands with a deep sigh. My whole life, I'd been a good person. Not perfect, but generally speaking I tried really hard to do well and help people and be kind to others. So why couldn't I ever get a goddamn _break_? It seemed like for the past six months fate was determined to test me to the very ends of my sanity. I just… didn't know if I could take anymore.

I went into the living room and told my dad that we would be studying at Edward's tomorrow, and that he would be picking me up since his house was kind of hard to find. Dad consented to that arrangement much faster than usual but I didn't really feel like thinking about that just then. I told Charlie that I really was tired and going upstairs. I used the excuse that I would be "just upstairs reading or listening to music for awhile" until I fell asleep. In actuality I planned on taking a shower, drying my hair, taking an Ambien and passing the fuck out. It wasn't even eight yet. _Seventeen years old and going to bed at eight pm during a week off from school. That, my friends, is a new low._

The hot shower helped me relax a bit, and while I was drying my hair and waiting for the Ambien to start my blissful journey into nothingness, the thought actually crossed my mind that technically, I didn't have to go with Edward tomorrow… I could just ignore this. I could look the other way and pretend that I didn't feel the pull towards him. Maybe then I could be spared some pain. But the thought of never feeling the touch of his hand or the warmth of his embrace again… just thinking about it had me practically hyperventilating.

There had never really been another option.

So I would go.

I would go with Edward and listen to what he had to say, and hope that I could live with the outcome.

**A/N:** I've been asked what music I listen to when I write. Mozart. Tchaikovsky. Gershwin. Puccini Operas. Stravinsky. Chopin's Nocturnes. (which, by the way, I enjoyed before they were in Twilight)

Check out my new story blog - link is on my profile. Go there for a playlist, my fic recs, teasers, etc.


	11. Preternatural Revelations

**A/N: **There's really no excuse for my lack of updating. This one was rough. And long. The longest so far. I hope Bella's reaction to the news that Edward isn't exactly human makes sense in the canon I have created… I think I did it justice.

**Super-Brief Summary To Refresh Your Memory Because I SUCK For Not Updating: **Bella – depressed and kind of oblivious to the world around her. Edward – completely in love with Bella, but is a vampire. Bella and Edward have been paired for the Biology assignment on DNA. She freaked out in class and opened up to him about her brother. They went to the library in Anchorage, did some research, almost kissed, went out to dinner, etc. They spent time at her house and he met Charlie, who actually kinda likes Edward. Weird. Wonder why that is? Edward touched her and she felt the magnetism and she doesn't understand their connection. They are soul mates. This leads us to today's chapter, which is the BIG REVEAL! Surprise! He's a vampire! Let's tune in and see how that goes…

**Usual Disclaimer:** All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of ME. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. Also, no copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

**Chapter 11: Edward  
Preternatural Revelations**

My hands were wreaking havoc on my hair. "Ugh! I'm pretty sure I fucked it up royally."

"I don't think you did."

"How the hell is that not fucking it up?" I was sitting with Alice in our living room by the fireplace, and she was trying to convince me that I hadn't screwed things up with Bella this afternoon. I'd just described to Alice in detail the scene in the living room where I had let my fear of rejection get the best of me. Bella had looked up at me with those huge, depthless eyes that I would gladly drown in for the rest of my unnatural life – practically begging me to explain what was going on – and I couldn't do it. I'd panicked. I rubbed my hands over my face in frustration. _I'm such a fucking pansy._

"Edward, honestly," Alice let out an exasperated breath, "This whole thing was inevitable. You _know_ that. I'm just surprised she wasn't asking questions _weeks_ ago."

"Yeah… well… I've got a theory on that."

"What do you mean?"

"Well… I sort of found out that she's been taking anti-depressants to deal with the whole thing about her brother. Those medications alter the chemical processes in the brain in order to work, and since she and I are designed for each other… essentially _chemically_ designed for each other…" I gestured with my hands as though illustrating my point, knowing that Alice could fill in the rest.

"Huh. So you think the medication altered her enough to slow down her recognition of you as her true mate?" I nodded. "Nice. That actually makes a lot of sense."

"Thanks. I'm not a total idiot, you know," I countered with a wry smile.

Her face broke into a wide grin at my blatant use of sarcasm, "Yeah, yeah. I know. But listen… I still say you didn't fuck it up. Fucking it up would have entailed you blurting out 'I'm a vampire and I've been stalking you obsessively' like, in front of her dad or something." Okay, so Alice had a point. "But it's time for you to tell her everything. She's ready, Edward. She wouldn't have asked you if she wasn't ready to know."

"Are you sure? She's just got so much going on… and I don't want to overwhelm her…" I really wanted to believe Alice. Really. I did. But watching Bella fall apart these past few weeks just made me feel like a total fucking asshole for wanting her to know me… and wanting her to want me.

"Okay. First, you need to chill out; you worry entirely too much. Second, you need to trust that everything will go as it should. That's just how it works. No matter what is going on in her life, she will accept you for whom… and what… you are. That's the deal."

"What do you mean, 'that's the deal'?"

She rolled her eyes at me, "Edward. Have you been paying attention _at all_ while Emmett and I found our mates?"

"Yeah… sort of… not really. No. It just didn't seem like it was any of my business at the time." I looked down at my hands as they twisted in my lap – a nervous gesture that was completely foreign to me. _What the hell?_ _Chill, dude. _When Emmett and Alice had found Rose and Jasper I just kind of stood aside and let them do their 'soul mate' thing. In fact, now that I thought back on it… both 1756 and 1862 had seemed like really great years to rediscover meditation. In Nepal. And about as far away from the new couples as possible.

It just seemed to me that finding your soul mate was such an… _intimate_, life-changingevent. And since I frowned upon people barging into my own personal life, I had extended Em and Alice the same courtesy I would have expected in return – complete lack of interference in the situation at hand.

Alice moved closer to me on the couch and reached out to hold my right hand in both of her small ones, "Okay, I'm going to make this as simple as possible then… there's a lot of intricacies of the bond that you guys will discover and work through together, but I'm going to go over the two most basic things with you, just so you're prepared. Number one is that our true soul mates never freak out about the whole 'vampire' thing. Didn't you think it was weird when Rosalie and Jasper just sort of went with it? Most people don't exactly believe in mythical creatures. Like, there have always been myths and scary stories, but to actually come face-to-face with one of us? It's not something that most people would swallow willingly. I mean really, Edward… vampires?" She was looking at me speculatively with one eyebrow raised.

"Yeah… I uh… I never actually thought of it that way…" _I am a fucking mythical creature. _Vampires stay so well-hidden in plain sight that people finding out what we are is never really an issue. And apart from a mere seventeen years as a human in the 1600s that I could hardly remember, vampires were just a fact of life that I considered to be normal. _Huh._ Alice was looking over at me, waiting for me to continue, "But, that does make sense though. I mean… we can't have humans freaking out all the time."

"Um… ya think? That would blow our secret right out of the water."

I laughed out loud at her condescending tone, "Whatever, Al. It's not like I've ever had to consider this possibility before. I'm just surprise that our mates are…like… genetically predisposed, or whatever, to believe in vampires."

"Yeah well… it's not like you haven't been alive for over three hundred and fifty years or anything. I just thought maybe you were a bit more familiar with our customs. Clearly, that is not the case." Apparently, sarcastic Alice was out to play.

I rolled my eyes. "Clearly."

"And she's not genetically predisposed. She's just more… open to alternative options."

I snorted out a laugh, "Yeah. Because becoming a vampire is like… the ultimate alternative lifestyle choice. Damn the man." I raised one eyebrow and let the sarcasm ooze out of every word.

Alice ignored me completely and continued, "So quit worrying about that part. She'll be fine. The other thing – and quite possibly the most important in her case – is that you will become the most positive force in her life. She will feel calmer around you… at peace. She'll be able to face the demons in her life head on as long as you are by her side. So, really… this is a great thing. She _needs_ you to help her get through this time in her life, she just doesn't know yet. It's like… you were meant to find her now. Don't you see? It's fate." _Ah, fate. You fickle bitch. _

I took a deep breath and looked down at my sister, reflecting for a moment on the serious turn our conversation had taken. She was staring up at me with such a happy, hopeful expression on her little face that I couldn't help but smile back. Her enthusiasm for life and everything in it had a tendency to become infectious. "Alright, alright… I'll try to stop obsessing about this. Just let nature run its course and all that shit, right?"

Her smile widened, "Exactly, brother dear. Now, I know you're dying to go creep outside her house for a few hours – God only knows why. It's not like you even see her when you go over there every night… yes, we _all_ know that's where you go… not that I'm judging you or anything. It's just kinda weird. Stalkerish. But whatever. Make sure you are back in time to take a shower and clean up before you have to go get her in the morning, okay?"

"Yes, mom," I teased while reaching out to ruffle her hair. She stuck her tongue out at me and I laughed out loud at her juvenile display.

"Just go be 'Creepy Stalker Guy'," she giggled at her little joke (complete with air quotes) while I rolled my eyes in her general direction. "I'll have your clothes laid out on your bed when you get back," she continued.

"Thanks," I said in a low voice. I hoped she could see how much I truly appreciated her help, with the clothes and everything else. "I'm not really good at all this… but you know… you don't have to do that all the time… with the clothes and stuff, I mean…" My hand was running awkwardly up and down the back of my neck.

Alice's face softened at my obvious discomfort. "I know… I do it because I want to." I could see it in her face that she understood; that we could leave it at that and forget all the mushy bullshit. She would always know I loved her, no matter what. "Plus," she continued, "it helps keep the rest of you up to date. Without me, you'd still be wearing bell bottoms and Emmet would probably be in knickers… or something worse! One of us has to keep up with the current trends, or we'd all really stand out."

Leave it to Alice to turn an uncomfortable emotional situation into a reason to make fun of me. She knew shit like that weirded me out, and always tried to take the 'feelings' down a notch. No one knew me quite like Alice…

…yet.

~E~

My creepy stalker time passed slowly that night. Just hours before, I had promised Alice I would stop obsessing about tomorrow with Bella, and here I was… obsessing about tomorrow with Bella. Sitting myself far up on the hill in the shadows with my knees pulled to my chest, I stared toward her window as though she might appear in the darkness if I willed her into being.

Images of Bella in the past few weeks were rolling through my mind, each one boiling to the surface slowly… her deep chocolate brown eyes… her sarcastic smile… her tears as she cried in my arms… her body while she walked up the stairs in the library… her lips centimeters from my own… her almost carefree laughter as she spun around in the falling snow… her searing heat as I clung to her body in the living room… her nervous habit of biting down on her full lower lip… her scars…

The day she revealed her scarred wrists and the desperate actions behind them… _shit_… leaving her that day almost broke me. Having to tear myself away from her… it felt as though my soul was being crushed under the most depressing despair. I had never wished more that I could read someone's mind. Not knowing… still not knowing how she felt… _does she still want to die?_ _Even now, after all these months?_ Not knowing was killing me.

I had to know. Could she still leave me? Did she still want to end her life?

I have been a lot of things in my long life – saint… sinner… friend… brother… lover – but I have never been so utterly lost that the only solution possible would be to end my life. It is perhaps the only situation that I can't fully comprehend. Why would fate send me a soul mate that I didn't know how to comfort? Someone I couldn't identify with?

A test?

A trial?

A fucking joke?

Whatever the case, I was going to have to put aside everything for her. All of my selfish impulses. She was, very simply, my life now. It was a truth that had settled into the very fiber of my being on that first day she walked into my biology class. She was mine.

_I can't lose her. Not now. Not after I finally found her._

~E~

The next morning at 8:29 am I pulled up in front of Bella's house, practically leapt from my car and sprinted up to her front door. I had gone too long without seeing her… there was actually a physical ache deep inside me that just wouldn't be right until I was with her again. The fifteen seconds it took for her to come to the door dragged on like hours… days… motherfucking _years_ even. When she opened the door at last and her eyes met mine, time finally screeched to a halt.

If there had been any lingering doubt in my mind regarding her status as my soul mate, it would've been put to rest the moment I laid eyes on her. Just looking at her as the stood in the doorway, I felt whole… complete. The lingering ache was gone. I could breathe again. I could only hope that she felt the same way around me.

I suddenly knew without a doubt that I was making the right decision.

I also knew, without a doubt, that it would have been easy to rip the buttons off of her coat… and her pants… but, sadly, I would have to leave that for another time.

Somehow, I managed to push aside my overwhelming feelings of lust and I was able to greet her cordially without mauling her, "Good morning. Did you sleep well?"

Her face took on a wistful expression as she let out a soft sigh and replied, "Not really… no. I wish."

My angel wasn't sleeping well. I couldn't help but think it was partially my fault. "I hope you weren't nervous… or anything… about today?"

Her cheeks flushed beautifully before she answered, "No… um… I was looking forward to today, actually. It's just that… I um… I have dreams… sometimes… ever since the accident…" She trailed off a bit while she turned to lock the front door.

"Do you want to talk about it?" _Because if we talk about you, I can put off me telling you I'm a vampire… thus putting off you freaking out and leaving me alone for all eternity._

"Uh… no," she shook her head minutely as she turned to face me. "Plus, isn't it my turn to find out about you today? I believe you owe me a secret." _Well played._

"That I do," and with that I took her small hand in mine and walked her to my car. Once she was safely in the passenger seat and I had come around to my side, I addressed her again, "Hey, do you mind if we wait until we get where we are going before I start… um… revealing what I want to talk about? I don't want you to think I'm putting you off or anything, I just want to be able to give you my full attention." _'Revealing'? What the fuck? _Of course I had to choose the one word that would help me picture Bella naked. And I did _not_ need help picturing Bella naked.

She glanced over at me with a tentative smile and a flush on her cheeks, "Sure. That's fine." _Jesus Christ she's fucking beautiful._

I drove us up Parks Highway toward Denali National Park. Ideally, I would have loved taking Bella to the park, but due to certain time constraints we would have to stop before getting that far. I had decided to take Bella to watch the sunrise; of course, as it was late November in southern Alaska, that meant we could expect the sun around nine thirty or so. And although that still gave me an hour of drive time, it was not quite enough, so I had to settle on an alternate location for our… talk.

One major perk of it being late November in southern Alaska was that the sun would not get high enough in the sky for the rays to hit me directly. Indirect sunlight and shadowed forests were fine. It's not like I was going to burn up into a pile of smoldering ashes or anything, but my immortality would have become a bit too obvious for comfort should I be hit by the rays directly. This was the main reason we had chosen Alaska this time – the sun's low winter arc.

As if reading my thoughts about the sun, Bella began to speak softly from across the front seat, "I don't know if I'll get used to it here… the sun. I can't believe it's already nine… and it's not even dawn yet…"

"I know. Quite a change from Arizona, huh? I bet it's hard on your internal clock." _Oh, how dull!_ _Please forgive me for my utter lack of conversation skills. You leave me breathless and tongue-tied… and incredibly fucking horny._

"Heh… um, yeah. You could say that. I'm not exactly a morning person, though. I never have been… if it were up to me, I wouldn't ever get out of bed until at least ten am. So the fact that I have gotten up every day since moving here and made it to school in the dark – and on time – is a damn miracle." This explained why I could hear her hitting the snooze button on her alarm clock an average of 3.8 times every morning. Not that I was keeping track…

"Well, my apologies for getting you out of bed at such an ungodly hour this morning, then."

Her cheeks flushed as she replied, "No… no… this is my fault. Remember? It was my idea to meet so early. I… well… I mean… when you… yesterday, you…"

She was floundering for her words, and I decided to throw her a line. "I piqued your curiosity? And you wanted to drag the information out of me as early as possible?" _You could drag me anywhere. I would go willingly and I promise to fucking love every minute of it._

She took a deep breath and gave me a small smile. "Yeah."

I smiled back.

We finally reached the turn off, and I pulled the car into a small parking lot not far from the main road. I had fifteen minutes to get her to the river. Just as in Anchorage, she got out of the car before I could open her door for her, but I did walk around and take her hand.

"Come with me?" I asked. It had to be her choice today.

She raised her head and met my eyes. Her mouth was opened as if to speak, but she merely nodded her consent. We walked across the parking lot toward a short trail that led about four hundred yards through the tall pine forest and opened into a meadow by one of the many small lakes that dotted the area. It wasn't an undiscovered location – there were picnic tables and benches down by the water that I'm sure would have been full of families during the summer months – but given the time of day and time of year, I knew we would be alone.

I led Bella down to the bank of the river and sat her down next to me on one of the benches. When I turned to look at her, my breath caught in my throat at her beauty once again. Her cheeks were flushed from the cold air on our short walk, and her eyes were bright. I could still make out the fear and pain that guarded her expression, but the anticipation of what was to come this morning almost overshadowed that. It was as though I could almost see who she was behind the aching sorrow. She was beyond beauty.

The southeastern sky had begun to lighten, and I knew it would only be a matter of time before the sun broke over the horizon. "I thought you might enjoy watching the sunrise this morning," I told her. My voice was low, almost breaking.

She looked up at me, confused. "That sounds great… but shouldn't we be facing the other direction?" Our bench was facing the northwest.

I laughed lightly, "Trust me. It's better this way." I could see our view perfectly, but I knew it would take a bit more light in the sky for Bella to make sense of my actions.

Her voice was still uncertain, "O-kay…"

We sat in the still silence of nature together, waiting for the sun to begin its low arc across the sky and I noticed suddenly that I was still holding her hand; she hadn't moved to take it from me. And I sure as fuck wasn't ever going to let go.

I almost missed it.

I was concentrating so hard on the heat of her hand in my own and how it ignited a blazing fire deep within me, that I almost missed her face as she suddenly realized what we were watching this morning. It must have been just bright enough for her to make out the scene before us.

Her face transformed.

One cheek slowly rose in a very cautious half-smile. She turned to me with questioning eyes. "Edward… is that…?" I nodded. Her jaw dropped open slowly in surprise. In the next second, she broke into a full-on grin. Her eyes almost sparkled. I was lost in her. The very thought that I had brought this expression of joy to her face – helping her forget her troubles if only for a moment – rendered me incapable of doing anything other than basking in her mere presence.

Just then, the sun broke the horizon line behind us and the snowy peak of Mount McKinley was bathed in its yellow glow. Sure, if we had been facing the other direction, we would have seen the colors change in the clouds as the sun approached and I'm sure it would have been a very beautiful sunrise. But by facing this way, we could watch as the magnificence of nature was slowly revealed by the warm rays of the sun – a miracle that happened every morning, everywhere in the world. This was something I had grown to appreciate and enjoy in my long life – not only the stark purity of nature, but also the more subtle symbolism that everything got a fresh start with the dawn of a new day.

That's why I brought Bella here to share it with me. I wanted this to be a fresh start for us. A clean slate. A new day where we could – hopefully – become something more to each other.

I turned away from the majestic scene in front of me and looked down to Bella. She was watching the light burn slowly down the face of the mountain with rapt attention and wide eyes.

"It's… wow…" she whispered softly into the wind. I don't know if I would have heard it without my enhanced hearing, but I knew it was meant for my ears regardless. She turned slowly to face me and I noticed that the fleeting look of joy was gone and had been replaced by one of melancholy wistfulness. I could see the unshed tears in her eyes as she spoke, "Thank you. Thank you so much. This is perfect. How did you know? It's been so long since I really… _saw_ anything. I'd forgotten what was out here… the beauty… sometimes all of this just gets lost, you know?" Her lip twisted slightly as she bit down on it, silently begging me with her eyes to understand what she was saying.

She had forgotten. She had been in such despair over the loss of her brother that she had forgotten that there was beauty and wonder and simplicity and majesty in the world. My heart ached for her. To be that lost… to give up that completely… how utterly desolate that must have been for her. I was still slowly discovering how lost she was feeling, and it was shocking. Every time I learned more, my chest clenched tightly with her pain.

I answered her quietly, bending down to speak into her ear as she turned to face the sprawling vista again, "Yes. It can get lost… _we_ can get lost… but it's always here. Waiting to be rediscovered. Waiting to be enjoyed. To bring light to a new day… a new beginning." With that last remark, I wasn't just talking about the sunrise… obviously. I wondered if she would catch my meaning.

I felt her sigh gently against me and lean in slightly toward my body. Now was as good a time as any to start talking; I could tell that my opening 'activity' of sorts had calmed her nerves.

Yeah… I was about to _totally_ ruin that.

My voice was rough as I began, "Um… so… I guess I owe you an apology for yesterday. I kind of froze. You caught me off guard. And I'm so very sorry. I hope that by the end of all of this, you'll understand. And perhaps you could forgive me for being so rude. The other day… in the car… you were right. I am different. Just not in the ways you might think…" I paused, watching for her reaction. She looked up at me with wary eyes; I could tell that she was suddenly anxious about what I was going to say. _You have no idea, little girl… no idea at all._ "I'm… somewhat older than I appear." I had decided that starting with my real age would be the best way to begin.

"Um… okay… so… how old are you?" She was looking up at me with those big, brown, soulful eyes full of confusion.

_And here's where it gets dicey. _"Technically, I'm seventeen. Same as you. But I'm actually much… much older." I was really having trouble spitting this out. _Just fucking say it!_

"Okay… so… how much older?" I could see in her eyes that I was frustrating her by skirting around the issue. I was frustrating myself. _I'm a tool. Please bear with me while I get over my unfortunate personality disorder._

Here goes nothing. "Bella… Iwasbornin1637." Though the words left my lips in a rush, I was pretty sure she understood me. I left it at that for now, and watched her expression change from one of nervous apprehension to one of utter bewilderment as what I said sunk in. I stood up from the bench and began pacing… nervously. She stood abruptly in my path, effectively cutting me off.

"You… but… that's… Edward, that's not possible." Her eyes were guarded now… cautious. _She probably thinks I'm fucking nuts._ I instinctively reached for her hand then, and she let me grasp it tightly in my own. I needed to hold myself together so she could trust me, and the physical contact with her made that easier to do.

"I know. It shouldn't be. But it is… possible."

"Um… okay… but, how?"

"There are… _things_ in the world that most people don't know about. And… really, I don't think most people would _want _to know about them. Sometimes it's better to be left in the dark. But other times it's better to know the truth. And the truth is… the reason it's possible for me to be that old… I… well… I'm one of those things." What the hell did that even mean? Could I possibly have been more confusing? More cryptic?

"Wait… what?" _Exactly. I don't know what I meant by that either._ While I fumbled for my thoughts, I could see the gears in her head turning as she struggled to make sense out of my enigmatic statement. Her eyes were darting back and forth while she mulled it over and suddenly they snapped back to mine_. _I braced myself for the question I knew was coming.

"Wait… what are you?" _There it is! _I searched for the fear that should come along with that query, but I saw none. She was curious… questioning… confused… but not scared. Not running away from me. Her lack of fear encouraged me to keep going, but I still had to psyche myself up.

"Bella… I'm… I'm a…" _Just say it…just fucking say it. Out loud… _"…vampire." As soon as the word was out of my mouth I cringed as I awaited her reaction to what I had finally admitted.

She was silent for a few heartbeats, and in that brief amount of time I managed to shift into full-on panic mode. _She's freaking out. She's in shock. She'll never talk to me again. She'll never want to be in the same room as me again. Oh my God. I'll be alone forever!_

I was scrutinizing the myriad of emotions on her face as her eyes became focused on a point far over my shoulder, and I watched as her eyebrows rose slightly as though she were suddenly realizing something. Her voice was a mere whisper when her words finally broke through, "…cold hands…"

She was starting to put the pieces of the puzzle together to make some connections between what she had noticed about me in the past few weeks. I had to know what was going on in her mind. It was fucking killing me that I couldn't read her thoughts. I spoke softly, willing her to turn her gaze to meet mine, "What do you mean, love?" _Look at me… please look at me… I have to know you're alright… please… _

She turned her face to look at me and I could see that her eyes had narrowed slightly and she was deep in thought. But not scared. No… she wasn't scared at all. Her voice when she spoke now was louder… stronger… "I noticed that you have cold hands. That day… when I… when you had to drive me home. But I thought… well, you don't wear gloves. So I thought that was why your hands were cold. Is it because you're… you?"

She wasn't frightened of me, but she wasn't using the "v" word either. I told her the truth, "Yes. My body temperature is not regulated like yours. I guess you could say that I'm… cold blooded." My mouth inadvertently curled into a wry smile as I continued, "Since I don't have the same… _advantages_ that you do, I am forced to take on the temperature of my surroundings."

She cocked an eyebrow, "Advantages?"

"Yes," I began slowly. _How do I explain this? The truth, Cullen. That would be a great place to start. _"Being… what I am… comes with the inconvenience of a still heart. It doesn't beat. I can't warm myself with my own blood. When I go into a heated room, I do get warmer… but how many people do you know that keep their homes at a steamy 98.6 degrees? Not many. So I always tend to be on the cooler side." My eyes had wandered from her face as I thought my way through that explanation; when I looked back at Bella, I was amazed at what I saw.

"Oh… I see…" Her eyes were wide with curiosity, but the expression on her face could only be described as… _tender_. I was grappling with this realization when her inquisitive gaze met mine and she spoke softly, "Can I feel?"

"My hands?"

"Your heart."

I died. I fucking died and Peter let me into heaven by mistake. That was the only rational explanation for this amazing creature before me. An angel. My own personal angel.

"Oh… um, of course…" My voice was low and rasping and my expression was grateful as I reached for one of her little mitten-covered hands. She stepped closer to me as I opened my coat and guided her hand to my chest, laying it where my heart should be beating. As soon as I felt her contact, I let out a breathy sigh as I closed my eyes and dropped my forehead to hers.

We stood like this for seconds… minutes… hours… I don't know how long. Breathing, touching, feeling. I never moved my hand from hers as I clutched it to my chest like a lifeline, just as she never moved to take it away.

I finally broke the silence… whispering my confession into the charged air that surrounded us, "I didn't know how to tell you… I didn't… want you to get frightened and leave me. I was so selfish… and I'm so sorry… but I couldn't bear it if you left… not now…" _not ever…_ I added in my mind. "Please… please tell me what you're thinking…"

Her answering whisper came floating up on the breeze, "I can't. I can't leave you. I don't know why… but I could never…" I selfishly rejoiced in the finality of her statement… she couldn't leave me. "But…" _No! No 'buts'!_ "Why is that? I mean… what is wrong with me? I don't understand my reactions anymore. I have… like… no control." She began fumbling for her words, "It's… I mean… you're… well, you're _you_… and I don't know what I'm feeling about you. I shouldn't be. We just met! I mean… Jesus Christ! I don't even know how to describe it!" Her beautiful face scrunched up in frustration as she struggled to transform her thoughts into words. "And it's frustrating as hell! I can't control anything anymore. Not my headaches… not my panic attacks… not my reactions… not even my feelings." Tears had begun to pool in her eyes again as she struggled to make sense of everything.

I brought my hand to her chin and raised her head so she would meet my eyes. "I know… I know and I'm so sorry."

"How could you know that? How could you know what I'm feeling?"

_Damn. _What was I supposed to say? _Well, see… the thing is… not only am I a vampire, but we are vampire soul mates. It is your destiny to become one of us and spend an eternity with me. _For some reason, just ripping that one off like a band aid just didn't seem wise.

I decided to start small, "Well, Bella… I'm almost positive that your feelings are related to me being a vampire." I was going to keep saying the word out loud. That would make it seem more real. Right? "So I think that I have some more answers for you… if you're not feeling too overwhelmed already…" I trailed off a bit, wanting to leave it up to her. It would be her decision if I kept going.

"Wow. More. Um… okay. Do it. I need to know. I can't handle not knowing anymore. It's just been… too much. I've kinda had a lot going on lately, if you haven't noticed." She was trying to make a joke out of it, but I could see the pain come to the forefront of her eyes as she recalled what losing her brother had done to her. She lightly shook her head – probably to shake the image away – and met my gaze again, "So…"

I took a deep, unnecessary breath to calm myself and slowly began to explain, "So… here's the thing… I'm just going to explain it all as simply as I can… and I promise to answer anything you ask me. Anything. With the utmost honesty. I swear to you. And if I don't know the answer, I won't rest until I find it for you." I could no longer keep the emotion out of my voice. She nodded up at me in understanding. "My kind… vampires… we stay very much the same throughout our long lives. I am very much the person I was in 1637. Sure, there are aspects of my persona that have changed over time – fashions, places, friends, languages – but the core of who I am, that remains essentially the same. Or, rather, it re_mained_ the same… until I saw you." She took a sharp breath at my admission as confusion clouded her wide eyes once again, but I just kept going. I had to put my fears of rejection aside. I had to follow this through.

_Suck it up. _

"When you walked into that classroom on your first day… my entire life changed. You see, I've been alone for a long, long time. But that day… that day… everything changed… something else besides _me_ became the center of my world… my life. You." I held my hands in front of me in supplication as I pleaded with her, "And I know it sounds crazy. Believe me. I know. And the craziest part… the part that really threw me… is that I don't think I can ever go back. I can never go back to a life where I don't care for you." _Or love you. Or want to rip your clothes off. Or want to spend every waking moment of forever with you. Or want to make you a vampire in order to make that last one possible. _

"And I don't think I would want to. I meant what I said before. We stay the same… static… for a majority of our long lives. But when we _do_ change… those changes are permanent. Irreversible. Even though I was that man… that _person_ for so many long years, I don't think I ever want to go back. When a vampire finds the person we are meant for… the person who completes us… we are forever altered at the very core of our being." Her eyes were locked on my own and I breathed deeply and took the final plunge. "Basically… what I'm trying to say… is that I think you were meant to walk in that room on that day. I think I was meant to find you here. I think – no, I _know_ that we are meant for each other." I took a final breath and finished, "_That_ is what you have been feeling. The pull… the draw… it's us, Bella. It's you and me."

And there it was.

I had laid it all on the table.

I was blinking nervously, my hands twitching at my sides.

Though her eyes had never left mine as I explained the newly altered state of my life, her mouth had slowly opened into a perfectly rounded "O". _God_, her lips were luscious. She took a shaky breath and sat down heavily on the bench. "Um… wow. That is _so_ not what I was expecting today."

I knelt down in front of her and studied her face, worried that I had gone too far with my ramblings. Her face was blank; the only motion was her blinking eyes. "Bella? Bella… are you alright? I'm sorry. That was too much. I shouldn't have kept going on like that. I should have left it with the whole vampire thing." I began nervously running my hand through my hair while my verbal tirade just kept right on going without my consent, "I mean… vampires. Ha! Really, that was enough. Learning there is a whole other fucking _species_ out there really was enough. I'm sorry. I just wanted you to know so badly… selfish! That was so selfish of me!"

By the end of my rant, I was pretty much just talking to myself and Bella had gone from looking overwhelmed to looking at me like I had gone completely insane. Which is how I felt. So _that_ was fitting. Also, my hair was probably standing straight on end from my nervous hands, making me _look _insane as well. _Fabulous_. And I thought this had been going so well.

I took a deep breath to calm myself a bit, but Bella must have thought I was gearing up for another round of verbal psychosis because she spoke up quickly, as if to cut me off. Her voice came out through a small bit of laughter, making her voice sound even more achingly beautiful than I could have imagined.

"Edward! Stop. Please… God… just, stop. Stop. Seeing you this nervous is just making me nervous. It's really weird to see you like this. It's just not you. So just… stop. I'm fine." It almost looked like a small smile was trying to break through her expression.

I let out a whoosh of air that I didn't even know I was holding in. "Good. That's good." I was awash in relief. My Bella wasn't freaking out. Well… at least not _completely_. Then part of what she said sunk in, "Wait… what do you mean it's weird to see me like this?" Was she thinking about me? _She's thinking about me! She said this 'just wasn't me'… meaning, she thinks about what I'm like normally. When I'm not raving like a fucking lunatic._ It was borderline pathetic how happy this little tidbit made me.

Her eyes widened slightly as though she hadn't realized she said that, "Oh… I just mean… you're usually so controlled… and stuff. I didn't even think you noticed me sit down at your table that first day of class… so, like… to know that you were freaking out on the inside? And then to see you _actually_ freaking out? It's weird. Like… I don't know. It's like you're going to spontaneously combust. Or something."

Suddenly, Bella got very quiet and looked down at her hands as though she hadn't really meant to say that much out loud. Without the windows of her eyes to look into, I had absolutely no clues as to what was going on in her head. _Well, this won't do._

Frustrated, I brought my fingers to her chin and tilted her head up so she would look at me. Now that I was finished losing my mind, I was able to smile softly and ask her the number one burning question on my mind, "So what do you think? I mean… overall? I know it was a lot to absorb. And I know you probably have a million questions-"

"Try two million," she cut in.

My smile widened, "Okay, two million. And I'm prepared to answer all of them. After you tell me what you're thinking right now. Everything."

Her brow furrowed and she bit down on her lip as she thought her way through the answer she was going to give me. After a deep breath, she began, "So… what do I think overall? I think… I think I should be weirded out, but I'm not. So _that's_ kind of weirding me out. I think I should be scared, but I'm not. So _that's_ kind of scaring me. And I think I don't really know what to do with this… other part… the you and me part. I mean… _God_… it would be so nice to have someone to talk to. Like… you have no idea. Everyone wants something from me when I talk about Brandon. That's why I just don't anymore. And that day I talked to you? It was like… the relief was… insane. You didn't expect me to feel better or happier just because I got something off of my chest. You… you just listened and you didn't judge me and it was just so easy, but I mean… it was kind of scary too. Opening up like that. I didn't even really know you. I still don't. Well kind of. I mean… now I know you aren't human. That's kind of huge."

She stopped for a moment to breathe deeply and continued, "Shit! I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make this all about me." I almost laughed out loud. This was one of my favorite things – tongue tied, profane Bella. "You just asked what I was thinking and that's what was going on in my head and I just couldn't stop fucking talking and-"

"Bella," I cut her off, "it's fine. I meant it. I want to know everything you are thinking. It's just fine."

I took a huge risk and moved one of my hands up to the side of her head in a calming gesture to smooth down her hair. She relaxed immediately, and looked deep into my eyes while she spoke, "Basically, what I meant to say instead of all of that… is… overall, I think I want to get to know you. I want you to answer my questions. I'm not afraid."

Relief washed over me like a tsunami and I let it show in my eyes, hoping she would read it there. I was still kneeling in front of her, and I let my forehead meet hers once again while grasping onto her hands and whispering fiercely, "I'm so glad. I'm so glad you said that. I was so scared."

She answered back just as fiercely, "Don't be. I told you… _I'm not afraid._"

It was then that I caught the double meaning of her words – I hadn't made the connection the first time she said them. I thought she meant that she wasn't afraid of me being a vampire, but that was only part of it. She also meant that she wasn't afraid to take the risk with me. To learn about me and open herself up in return.

I was overwhelmed with emotion.

Here I had been so worried about giving Bella too much to think about, and she managed to blow me away with three little words. _I'm not afraid_. I would be replaying those words in my head for days… okay, probably weeks. She wasn't afraid of me. Wasn't afraid to get to know me. Wasn't afraid of spending time with me and sharing her thoughts with me. _I'm not afraid. _I sighed contentedly.

Bella's soft voice brought me out of my reverie, "Edward?"

"Yes?" I pulled my face back to study her expression. I would never tire of looking at her delicate features and flawless complexion.

"Um… I was just wondering a few things… well, more than a few."

"Anything."

"Well, I was wondering how you're outside right now? How are you not a pile of ashes? And I was wondering how you spend your time? And where you've lived? And where you were born? And about your family, because that story you told me was obviously crap. And I was wondering what you eat? I'm going to go out on a limb and assume… not… me," her voice dropped low and her face flushed deeply at the last statement. I tried to control my thoughts. Truly. I did. But suddenly images of me eating her – and I'm not talking about drinking her blood – flooded my mind. The lust must have shown in my eyes, no matter how I tried to fight it back. I just hoped it wasn't _too_ obvious. _Ugghh… God I want her._

She gave her head a slight shake, which made me wonder if her mind was going to the same place that mine had, and managed to finish her thought, "But first… I was wondering if we could go to the car. I really don't want to, but we've been out here awhile and I'm kind of getting cold." She looked at me sheepishly.

"Oh! My God! I'm so sorry! I forgot. I completely lost track of the time. You must be freezing!" I felt like a total fucking loser for not noticing that the love of my life was beginning to shiver. It was a clear sunny day, but it was still pretty damn cold outside.

But Bella quickly dispelled my guilt, "It's okay! Really. I sort of just realized it myself… and I'm the one who's cold. I guess I didn't really want to leave." She offered up a small smile, and I could have sworn it reached her eyes before it disappeared.

I stood quickly while keeping hold of one of her hands to help her to her feet, "Well. I don't really want to leave either, but let's get you to the car so you can warm up. Just because we leave here doesn't mean you can't interrogate me. Our day is far from over." I gave her my most genuine smile, to show her that I was ready for any questions she could throw my way.

"Uh… yeah," she was mumbling and her eyes glazed over slightly before she cleared her throat with a nervous laugh and spoke more clearly, "Twenty-_thousand_ Questions, here we come."

The walk back to my car was brief, and thanks to my remote-start system it was already running and warming up for Bella before we even reached it. I let her in the passenger side before walking around and getting in myself, and right away I could tell that just that small bit of time had made her nervous again. It reminded me just how fragile she still was. Reaching my hand out for hers, I held it while giving her a reassuring smile and saying, "So… I believe your first question was regarding my ability to walk around during the daylight hours?"

She looked up at me gratefully, "Yeah. It was."

* * *

**A/N: **Check out my **new story blog** (ffnet users see the link in my profile) for a **playlist**, extended author's notes, story updates, and occasional **TEASERS!**

I think one of the reasons this chapter was so super difficult for me to write is that I wanted Bella's reaction to be realistic. In Twilight canon, Bella is shocked that Edward is a vampire but determines that this does not matter and goes on to accept him for what he is. But I can't STAND fics where Edward is all, "I'm a vampire!" And then Bella's all, "Really? Wow. Okay. Let's go make out!" I mean… come on! SMeyer had literally _chapters _and_ chapters_ of dialogue and contemplation to get to the acceptance point. I hope you guys think I'm doing alright with this. Also, I think another reason it was hard to write is that my Edward tends to be predominately sarcastic and snarky and smitten; in this chapter, I had to make him far more serious. Which was hard.

Bella needed to tell the rest of this Q&A session, so the next installment will be Bella's more detailed interview with the vampire we all know and love. And want to lick.


	12. Interview with a Vampire

**A/N:** So… here we have the next installment.

**Chapter 12: Bella  
Interview with a Vampire**

When I woke up this morning after a restless night full of nightmares and racing thoughts, I was actually feeling somewhat optimistic about meeting up with Edward later. Optimistic. _Me._ I didn't think I was capable of feeling that anymore. I had no idea why I would be optimistic about this mysterious rendezvous, but I decided to just go with it. And for the first time in… well… probably _ever_ I didn't hit the snooze button even once; when my alarm started beeping annoyingly, I actually got out of bed like most people do. Imagine that.

After a hot shower, I stood in front of the mirror for a long time just staring at my reflection. I was still getting thinner… my face was actually starting to look a bit gaunt. The dark circles under my eyes were pretty much permanent by now and my long hair hung limply down my back. _Christ, I really look like shit. _Through the mirror, my lifeless eyes stared back at me – an eternal reminder of the one person I wished I could see just one more time.

What would Brandon do about today? How would he handle this whole situation with Edward? Stuff like this came so easily to Brandon. He would probably just tell me to set aside my apprehensions and go in with an open mind, because that's how Brandon dealt with everything – with an open mind. It was one of the qualities I most admired about him and tried to emulate in myself.

Looking at my reflection, I took a deep breath – and an Effexor – and made the decision to put all of my crap aside. If I was going to be receptive to anything Edward had to say today, I was going to have to shove all of my emotional baggage into a box and leave it for later. If I could just treat today like a lab day – paying close attention to everything he was saying, but keeping an almost clinical detachment so as not to lose it completely – I thought maybe I would make it through relatively unscathed. At least… that was the plan.

~B~

Three hours later, that plan was for shit.

I was a pro at compartmentalizing my life, but this was getting ridiculous. I had no idea what I was expecting today, but it was most definitely _not this. _I now had three perfectly compartmentalized boxes of fucked-up information to sort through – one box full of my own shit, one box full of vampire tales and a final box that I was ignoring for now that apparently housed information about fate and my own destiny. This last box was dangerous and I refused to look inside until I could get a handle on the rest of this mess. Too many boxes. Too much information. I needed to focus on one thing at a time.

As we made our way back to his car, I tried to deal with the first bit of information he had imparted to me today. Vampire. Vam. Pire. Vampire. Undead. Dracula. Bats. Coffins. Blood. How's that for word association? _And now I might be freaking out. Just a little bit. _Now that my head wasn't clouded with the image of his beautiful, tortured eyes staring back at me and the crisp morning air had focused my thoughts… the reality of the idea of Edward as a vampire was starting to sink in.

After he had _finally _spit it out, I hadn't really focused on the details of his admission. I had gotten caught up in his eyes… his hands… his heart. He had no heartbeat. But standing there… with my hand clutched to his chest… listening to his whispered confessions… I could _feel_ him. It didn't matter if his heart didn't beat; his soul was alive and it was beautiful. And I wanted him. I'd let myself get caught up in the moment. In Edward. And what he had to say was wonderful. I just wanted to forget my pathetic excuse of a life for a while and enjoy the simplicity of that moment with him.

But reality had hit as soon as we left the river. And now? I needed some answers.

Blood. Blood. Blood. The word rang out in my mind like a gong. Vampires drink blood, right? _Who the fuck actually knows, since they aren't real._ But they are. And they're here. Or, rather, he's here. Edward. My vampire. _My_ vampire? When did he become _my_ vampire? Blood. Blood. Blood. _He doesn't look hungry. Right? _But then again, what would a hungry vampire look like? Would his eyes change color? Would his fangs… like… _extend_… or whatever? Which myth was true?

So many questions.

_I need a pill._

But I was the one who wanted to be coherent today, so that wasn't an option. I didn't even have anything with me. Quite possibly a huge mistake.

Before I knew it, we were at the car. I thought I would be ready to bombard him with questions… I thought they would come tumbling out as soon as we were seated in the car together. But by the time Edward slid in behind the wheel and I was thawing out in the passenger seat, all of the pressing questions flew right out of my head and my hands were shaking minutely with nerves. _What exactly am I supposed to say? So… you're undead. That's neat. Also, not to offend you or anything… but are you hungry? No judgments here. Just asking. _This was definitely not a particularly easy topic to discuss and I'd been having trouble with… like… basic communication skills lately.

The insecurities of my fragile state had finally come crashing down on me. _What if he changed his mind? What if he regrets telling me?_

Edward seemed to sense my distress. He looked at me with a curious expression on his – _God, he's gorgeous_ – face, and broke the tension in the car so I wouldn't have to. Smiling softly, he angled his body toward mine and reached out for my hand to began the conversation that I was unable to start, "So… I believe your first question was regarding my ability to walk around during the day?"

I sighed in relief; he didn't regret telling me. Looking up at him, I gave him a small smile, grateful that he had been able to start this difficult conversation, "Yeah, it was." As I spoke, I carefully extracted my hand from his. Touching him – as amazing as it felt – was only serving to distract me, and even though his face showed confusion at my gesture, he answered me without questioning it.

"Well… let's see. I suppose I should start by letting you know that most vampire stories are just that – stories. Most of what you have heard about us is probably untrue. Some of it, however, is so shockingly accurate that it had to be leaked by one of us… but as for the sunlight burning us? That one is a myth. As you can see, I am perfectly fine. We just can't be seen in public in direct sunlight. It would be far too obvious that we're different. We would most definitely stand out."

"Uh… what exactly do you mean 'stand out'? What happens to you?" My voice was still quiet… my tone still shy… but Edward's blatant honesty was helping me get over my freak out of nerves. If he was going to be so forthcoming with his secrets, I could at least give him the courtesy of asking thoughtful questions.

A slow smile spread across Edward's face as he contemplated how to answer my question, "I don't think I can really explain it… it's something you need to see. I'll show you sometime."

I just nodded over at him while my mind worked overtime to try to think of a way to phrase my next question. The most important one. The one that had been reverberating around in my mind ever since we left the river. Blood. Blood. Blood. That weird feeling was back. That feeling of comfort. I felt like I could trust him implicitly. Like I already knew the answer, but I needed to hear him say it out loud… I wanted to trust myself, but with my unbalanced state of mind recently? Not a good idea.

It was taking me a moment to organize my thoughts into a coherent question and Edward must have taken my silence for more than just me grasping for words, because he reached over and took my hand again. Giving it a squeeze, he whispered, "I promise. I promise I'll show you."

I quickly reassured him, "No… uh, I know you will. I was just thinking. Uh… what other things about vampires are just myths? And what stories are... um… true?" My voice cracked embarrassingly on the last word and I could feel my heart speed up as soon as the words left my lips. For the first time, I wondered if he could hear its change in tempo.

He was still holding my hand, and his eyes flew to mine as he began speaking almost immediately, "I can't believe I didn't answer this question first." This opening statement was a whisper and he hung his head… like he was chastising himself for leaving me in the dark. "Of course I should have told you about my diet first. Uh… unfortunately, I do drink blood. However, we… vampires, that is... are able to live off of the blood of animals. We don't require human blood to survive." He moved his head closer to mine, and there were emotions in his eyes that I couldn't begin to identify as he continued, "I could never hurt you. Ever. I – you are too important to me. If I lost you… I…" His eyes fell shut and he shook his head while letting let the thought trail off as though even finishing that statement would be too painful to think about.

I let out a breath I hadn't known I was holding as my hopes were confirmed. More so than the relief I felt at the fact that he wouldn't hurt me was the relief I felt knowing that my intuition had been correct. "I thought so. I mean… I didn't think you would… but I didn't know… I haven't exactly been able to trust myself around you." For some reason, I hoped he could see the apology in my eyes for even entertaining the thought that he could ever do that to me.

Apparently, he did. "Don't be sorry. How could you know? Any normal person would have asked the same question."

I nodded my agreement, even though I was thinking that a normal person would have run screaming hours ago and I was most definitely among the population of abnormal people who hung around to see what would happen with the vampire. _But what else is new? I already knew I was going crazy._ "So… I guess that makes it a myth then? That vampires… um… drink human blood?" This had to be one of the strangest conversations I'd ever had.

"Not necessarily. I said that we are _able_ to live off of animal blood, and for about ninety-five percent of us, we do so happily. We blend in and live our lives right alongside the rest of you. But, there are some… there are some of us who have lost all traces of humanity. These creatures _do_ prey on humans, and they do so without any regard for the life they are taking or changing." He thought for a moment before he continued, "I suppose you could compare them to human serial killers as they are not much different. They are soulless, sociopathic monsters who enjoy the thrill of the hunt and the satisfaction of the kill. Or the change." He added the last part almost as an afterthought.

"The change?"

He seemed to hesitate before speaking this time, as though the topic had become uncomfortable for him to talk about, "Yes… the change. Some of these vampires do not hunt merely to kill. They hunt for the express purpose of… uh… creating new vampires. Once the… _victim_ has begun the transition as it were, he will then leave them to wake up alone in a new life."

I sucked in a horrified breath, "How awful!" I wanted him to keep going and I wanted to ask him about this 'transition,' but his apprehension kept my mouth shut. Maybe we could broach that another time.

His voice was apologetic and his hand moved from mine to trace my jaw as he continued, "It is an unfortunate reality. One that I would have gladly spared you… but if you are going to know about me and my world, it is important that you know everything."

I could only nod in response.

He kept going and changed the subject immediately. It made me wonder which emotions he could see playing on my face as he sat there studying my expressions. "So, should we just sit here in the car? Or would you like to go somewhere more comfortable?"

I considered this for a moment and decided to match his lighter tone with one of my own. It was getting a bit heavy in the car for me as well, "Um… I know we were supposed to go to your house today, but I'm going to assume your 'siblings' aren't exactly human." I raised an eyebrow at him and hoped he picked up on the sarcasm that dripped from my tone. It was blatantly obvious after today that everything he had told me about his family was a lie.

"Ah… no. They're not." He looked appropriately chagrinned.

"Well, I don't know them. And I don't really know if I could take meeting them today. I'm already spread kind of thin as it is. Do you think we could just go to my house? Charlie is a work all day and we can talk there… if you want, I mean." Saying this out loud left me vulnerable, but after my meltdown I had been feeling more and more comfortable with him. Again, I was feeling safe with him. And again, it was bothering me at the back of my mind. I knew it was important… and I knew what he had said to me earlier… about us… but I was still choosing to ignore that entire part of the conversation. For now.

Edward's eyes softened as he looked down at me as though I might break, and for a moment I felt… _cherished?_ I shook it off. "Of course. We'll do whatever you want. I know this is a lot for you." I watched as he shifted his body to face forward in the seat and we pulled out of the deserted lot and onto the highway, thinking the entire time about what I wanted to ask next.

Before I could stop myself, I blurted out, "If you're so old, why are you in high school?"

His laugh was musical as it filled the car, "After everything we've been talking about – vampires, serial killers, even my family – _that's_ your next question?"

My face turned red and embarrassment flooded my body, "Um… yeah?"

He appeared panicked for a second, "Oh… shit. Bella, I didn't mean to make you feel bad. Please don't. You're just so… adorable. I wish I could take a peek into your mind to see how it works. You never do or say what I expect, and after so many years of monotony… you're so refreshing. Please don't feel bad." His voice and his eyes were so sincere that my embarrassment was gone almost as soon as it came upon me. Something about him… he could do that to me, make me feel better in a matter of seconds with just a word or a glance.

"Oh… um… well, I was just thinking about your so-called 'family,' but the only time I've ever really seen them is in the cafeteria at school. So I was picturing them there. And that led me to school, and then I was wondering why you guys are even there to begin with. I mean, what could you possibly be learning?"

He smiled, "I'll be honest, there is nothing in any of the curriculum that we don't know. Our memories are both photographic and eidetic. We never forget anything, but we are most definitely learning while we're there. We're learning how to fit in. As 'outcasts,' for lack of a better term, we need to follow trends and keep up with slang as it changes throughout the years… it's how we stay under the radar. We'll always look this young, so we need to know how to act our respective ages in any given situation. So, we use our time in school to observe."

"Oh." That was a surprisingly obvious answer, but one that I had not been expecting. "So you just repeat high school over and over or something? That sounds awful." _Almost worse than my pathetic life_, I wanted to add.

He chuckled lightly before continuing, "Not exactly. About every 10-15 years, we have to start over somewhere new. It takes about that long before people start asking questions… we never age and that tends to be something that would get noticed eventually, so we leave before that happens. Personally, I prefer when we start over in college since it allows for a lot more freedoms as far as actually having to attend classes… and I mean, we do actually learn things in college for the most part. I was born about a century or so before the Industrial Revolution, so there are many things I've needed to learn over the years. But the main reason we are in high school here is because the younger we start out in a given place, the longer we can stay there. When we were looking at this area, we realized that it really is perfect for us, and we wanted to start as young as we could so that we can stay here longer."

"Wouldn't it just be easier to go somewhere without people? Then you wouldn't have to put up the charade. It seems like a lot of work for something you really don't' _have_ to do."

"You would think so. But, that's where it gets complicated for us. It's actually why Alaska is so perfect – it's a remote enough location where we can live relatively quietly, but there _are_ people here. Living near others is important, because we enjoy interacting with people; it keeps us sane and... I don't know… more human, I guess. Being around people reminds us of who we once were… who we still are… isolation isn't good for us. Take my sister, for example – Alice loves meeting new people and making new friends; she's just always been that way, even back in the beginning… our very own social butterfly. If we were to settle somewhere too remote, it wouldn't be good for her. She couldn't thrive there." I was watching Edward closely as he talked about his 'sister' and I was taken back with the obvious love in his eyes. He _really_ saw Alice as family. There was definitely an interesting dynamic there, but I wanted to know a few more things before we got around to discussing his family.

"But you… you wouldn't stand out so much if you didn't… why do you look the way you do?" I didn't want to offend him, but with all of his obvious body modifications Edward would stand out anywhere, _especially_ in the less populated areas of the world. That had to make it hard to blend in.

"You mean the piercings? The tattoos?"

I nodded, "It just seems that all of that would make it hard for you to blend in pretty much anywhere."

Apparently, my question brought out the sullen kid from Biology class. He sighed and smiled ruefully at me, "Yeah well… we all make sacrifices, don't we." He took a deep breath before continuing, "I'm sorry. I've just spent a long time distancing myself from the people around me. Living on the fringes. I've pretty much made a career out of it. But I mean, yeah… all of this stuff means that people might notice me, but they leave me alone… and they don't ask questions." He had me there. Sure, people saw him, but they expected him to be different… so the only abnormal things they noticed were the obvious ones. The ones he wanted them to see. Then they would write him off, just like all the other outcasts. It really was the perfect disguise. Hiding in plain sight. _But if most people leave him alone though, why the fuck do I feel so drawn to him? Shouldn't I have left him alone too? _I tried to push this thought out of my mind.

But before I could give it much thought, I realized he was still talking. "The tattoos are my way of remembering who I am… each one is a representation of a significant period in my life that I wanted to keep close. I thought carefully before getting each one, and wouldn't ever want to get rid of them even if I could. The piercings are all pretty much from the 1980s, and I think they've held up pretty well socially for being 30 years old… well except for the labret. That one's new."

_What the hell is a labret? _"What the hell is a labret?" The question left my lips before my mind even had two seconds to react. _Fantastic. We seemed to have reached the point of my time with Edward where I lose my mental filter. That's just excellent._

"This one," he said while pointing at his lower lip where the brushed silver ball sat alluringly. _Alluringly?_ I mentally smacked myself on the forehead. Thoughts like that were most definitely not helping the situation. I let it go for now. It seemed as though it was another one of those things that had to do with that third box of information, which I was determined to ignore until I could sort out what the fuck was going on.

"Oh," I replied stupidly. "That one."

"Yeah." He looked nervous… and almost… _embarrassed? Maybe?_

To change the subject and lighten the mood again, I decided that now would be the perfect time to ask him about his family, "So… why do you live with those other people if you aren't really related to them? I mean… why go so far as to call them your family?"

His face brightened immediately, and I could tell that he truly cared for these people… even if they weren't his real siblings. "We live together because we want to. They are my best friends, and I can't really imagine going though this long existence without them. Technically, I guess the common term for what we are would be a coven, but we just see ourselves as a family. I met Alice first, about forty years or so after I was changed and we became friends almost immediately. Her energy and obvious love for life balanced out my… more _realistic_ view of the world. Plus, we enjoy each others' company. That was the beginning of our family, as it were. The two of us met Emmett some years later in 1750, and Rosalie came along just six years after that. It wasn't until after we came over to America that Alice found Jasper, and that was back in 1863. The five of us have been together ever since."

My mind wasn't totally comprehending these dates. He was throwing around centuries like they were decades… and I hadn't even lived two of those. "Wow. That's quite a long time," I said since that's really all I could think of to say.

But he was kind of lost in his story, and I don't think he noticed that my mind was on overdrive. "Yeah… it has been a long time. But I guess… to answer your original question… I guess we stay together because we enjoy the idea of a family. We aren't that much different from humans in that regard. Plus, I mean… we were human at one point in time, and I suppose it's just one of the innate desires that stays with us when we're changed. The desire to be loved unconditionally and without judgment. The desire for family… for loved ones." Edward seemed to have a way of saying things that just made them make sense. _Of course vampires would live as families. Why would they not?_

"So… do all of you live as families?" In my mind, I had this crazy picture of a beautiful vampire family with a mother and a father and their 'adopted' vampire children going to work and school like it was the most normal thing in the world. I almost laughed out loud.

"Most of us do, yes. Some just live as couples… others as larger family units. There are a few who do choose to live alone… but I already sort of addressed them earlier. These loners… the nomads… they are the ones who have lost touch with the humanity they once had. They are the ones who have become the monsters."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

There really wasn't much else to say about that. Besides, we were getting close to my house, and I had a feeling Edward was going to want to talk about the other stuff… the scary stuff… the stuff in the third box. _I guess you know you should be seeing a psychiatrist when the 'scary' stuff isn't the stuff about vampires…_ _good thing I'm already seeing someone. _

I didn't say anything else while I watched the countryside fly by as we got closer and closer to town and Edward didn't push. Maybe he knew what was coming once we got to the safety of my house… maybe he was letting everything we talked about sink in… maybe he was just giving me my space.

Maybe I didn't want it.

~B~

When we got back to Charlie's, I left Edward in the living room for a few minutes while I ran upstairs. I told him I just needed a human moment, but in reality I was searching for my drugs. Something he said about family was picking at my mind and threatening the security of my carefully compartmentalized day.

When he was talking in the car about an innate desire for family… for loved ones… my mind had immediately gone to what I had lost. I had lost all of that. _My_ family, _my_ loved ones. _My brother_. And who wouldn't want those things? Brandon had pretty much been the best thing in my life, of course Edward and his siblings would want that kind of relationship.

I knew what that kind of unconditional love felt like.

And I missed it.

I could feel the depression overtaking me and I fought for control.

The Xanax would help.

Once I was back downstairs, Edward could tell something was wrong. He kept asking me if there was anything he could do, if I was hungry, if he could get me anything. All morning I had been receptive and interactive… and now I was being closed off and quiet as I waited for the drugs to kick in and my anxiety to lessen. I couldn't even begin to think about that third box without medication.

"Are you really sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine. I'm just… processing."

"Oh, alright."

Edward and I were sitting on the living room couch just as we had been yesterday during our study session, but this time it was me that was avoiding the conversation and not him. I had wanted answers about my feelings for him, and he had given me answers alright. I just didn't quite know what those answers meant.

And the part that I really wasn't ready to acknowledge was what he had said at the end of his admissions. When he finally let his guard down and let it all out. I could tell when he opened up fully… and I knew what he had said was important. It was also terrifying. _"That is what you have been feeling. The pull… the draw… it's us, Bella. It's you and me."_ You and me. Me and you. Edward and Bella. Us.

_Why does that sound so good?_

This is what was going through my head when Edward tried – again, apparently – to get my attention. So, of course, I screamed and jumped about five feet in the air when I felt his hand on my leg. "Jesus Christ!"

He looked horrified. "Oh! Um… I'm sorry… I thought you heard me."

I tried to calm my breathing and replied, "No. No… it's fine. I was just thinking about some stuff."

"Oh, okay," he said, his voice smaller than I'd ever heard it. Looking up into his face, he looked so hurt that I had closed myself off. I made him look like that… and I hated it.

He wanted me to talk to him about it. I knew he did. And after everything else today, after everything he had shared with me, I was insulting him by pushing him away. I sighed deeply and met his piercing gaze.

_Here goes nothing._

"I'm sorry. I just don't know where to start. I guess… well I guess I should start at the beginning, right?" He nodded encouragingly, so I continued, "Well, I meant what I said earlier. Opening up to you that day… it was… the relief that I felt that day was more than I ever thought possible. Maybe that's why so many people wanted me to talk to my therapist… but anyways, that's not really the point. I didn't want to talk to them. I wanted to talk to you. Only you. And I heard everything you said. Everything. And I really want to know more about it… and you. But I also don't know how much I can handle right now. I… I've been… well, I guess I've been pretty much losing it lately. And Charlie is getting really worried, I think." I could feel my eyes tearing up so I tried to look away so Edward wouldn't see me start to cry, even though I'm sure he could hear it in my voice.

"It's like every time I think I'm making progress, something happens… something reminds me of Brandon and I just… shut down again. Like today… I'm even the one who started it, when I asked you about your family. I could see how much you love your sister… and the rest of them… and it made me think about my brother and how I would never have that again. I freaked out. I keep doing that." Now I was sure the crying was obvious, since the tears were falling freely down my cheeks. "So can we just… see what happens? You know, like with that other stuff… for now? I mean… can we just spend time together and see how much I can talk about? How much I can deal with? I just need to think all of this through. And I already have so many thoughts on my mind… it's just… I don't know…"

My thoughts trailed off because while I was talking, Edward had angled his body towards mine and he had slowly moved to take my face in his cool hands. He was using his thumbs to brush away the tears, which just made more tears fall as I succumbed to his gentle touch. His eyes were kind, and his voice was soft when he finally spoke, "We can do whatever you want. I just want to help you. It kills me to see you so sad everyday… I just wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. I would do anything for you. Anything. Please just let me be here for you."

The kind words coupled with the soothing touch of his hands finally opened the dam of emotions that I was holding back from everyone. Even with Charlie, I only let him see a fraction of what I was feeling. I had thought that I was so alone in all of this. But meeting Edward now… and letting him in… it was like fate had intervened and given me an angel, and here he was telling me that I didn't have to be alone. Maybe I should just accept the gift for now and ask questions later. I was so tired. So tired of being alone.

Edward let his arms open to me and I lowered my walls as I gave in and crawled up into his lap… into his calming embrace… and I cried.

I cried for everything I had lost… my brother, my mom, my home, my friends. My life. The girl I used to be. That life was gone now, and I needed to grieve it's loss. Holding it in was so hard… took so much energy. I just couldn't do it anymore. I was so broken…

"Edward?" I asked through the wrenching sobs.

"Yes?"

"I think… I need help."

"Okay, angel. I'll help you."

"I… I can't do this… alone."

"I know. I'm here."

I cried for what felt like hours… until I thought that it might be almost time for Charlie to get home. Eventually, I managed to pull back a bit from Edward's strong embrace. Once I was able to angle myself enough so that I could look up at him, I noticed that he had a pained expression on his beautiful face.

"Edward? What's wrong?"

"It's nothing… I just hate seeing you so sad. It makes me sad." His voice was strained, and I hated myself for making him feel that way, but I was greedy and just wanted him here with me.

"Oh. Well, listen. I think Charlie is going to be coming home soon… so I should probably start dinner… actually that might be nice. You know, doing something normal…" I was rambling. Putting off what I really wanted to say.

He looked surprised for a moment and glanced up at the clock on the mantle, "Yeah, I didn't realize it was getting to be so late. Would you like me to leave before he gets here? I wasn't really supposed to be here anyways today… and I wouldn't want it to be an issue with the two of you."

"No!" I almost yelled in his face before I could stop myself, "No. He's already met you, so it's fine that we were here. We can say your brothers were home and being loud or something, so we came back over here for the peace and quiet. Please stay for dinner. I mean… obviously you won't eat… hmmm… but will you stay?"

"If you want me here, I wouldn't dream of leaving," he replied with a smile.

"Good," I said with a sigh as I settled back in his arms for a few more minutes until I would have to get up. I couldn't help but wonder what Charlie would think. Edward and Charlie at dinner. A vampire… and my dad. This would be interesting.

* * *

**A/N:** I hope you enjoyed it! This one was a bit shorter, but packed full of information and emotions. I didn't want to overwhelm you guys. (Or myself, since writing depressed Bella gets difficult) Also, I had to cut it here, since we are going to want to see the dinner (and Charlie) from Edward's POV… you'll see why.

**Super-Interesting Information (if you enjoy my stories)**  
So, here's the deal. I have this other story I'm working on. RFTA is most definitely going to continue as planned, but it's rather _dark_ as you all know… so I've been working on a somewhat fluffier piece to get me out of the depressing hole of this Bella's mind. Check out my profile for the summary, and expect me to start posting it this spring!

I have a one-shot that I wrote for the Men at Work Contest - and it won first place! Go read it! Custom Built by NinjaKitten3782. I promise it'll be worth your time.

I have a one-shot in the Southern Twi-Night contest (shhhhhhh... I can't tell you which one... it's anonymous)... but go VOTE! **TeamFireandIce** on FFNet


	13. Give Thanks for Nothing

A/N: After a completely unplanned hiatus, I'm back. I urge you to check out my story blog for RFTA if you want to know the gory details on why I had to stop writing this fic.

We hit 100 reviews! :o) Thanks to all who have reviewed, I can't express how much they mean to me… the fact that you guys take the time to send some love means the world to me and I truly appreciate each and every one.

**Where we left them:** Bella knows that Edward is a vampire. When asking questions about Edward's family, she triggers anxiety about her brother and has a bit of a meltdown. She asks Edward for help, and to stay for dinner. With Charlie. This should be fun.

And now… without further ado, Chapter 13 of Rising from the Ashes of a Former Life

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**Chapter 13: Edward  
Give Thanks… for Nothing**

Her voice was barely a whisper through her tears, "Edward?"

"Yes?"

"I think… I need help." At this admission of defeat, I began rubbing her back in soothing circles in an attempt to calm her body-wrenching sobs. She couldn't handle it anymore. The grief was winning, and I couldn't let that happen to my Bella.

"Okay, angel. I'll help you," I whispered, forcing my voice to stay even.

"I… I can't do this… alone." She was breaking.

"I know. I'm here." _And I will be here for you until the end of time._

My chest was ripping apart with her grief. Her pain was now my pain. As I watched Bella mourn the loss her brother and the life she once had, I struggled to keep my own emotions at bay. I wanted to be strong for her, but the tide of overwhelming despair was almost too much for me.

After nearly four centuries, I had never _felt_ this much.

Even much later, when she finally calmed enough to look at my face, I had to deny the devastating grief that was rolling off of her in waves. "Edward? What's wrong?" she asked, her voice so small… so raw from the crying.

"It's nothing…" I replied. "I just hate seeing you so sad. It makes me sad." _That _was the fucking understatement of the century. I was starting to wonder if this is what Alice had been talking about… if this transference of emotions was one of those 'things' that Bella and I would discover about our bond. If so, it was currently sucking ass.

"Oh. Well, listen. I think Charlie is going to be coming home soon… so I should probably start dinner… actually that might be nice. You know, doing something normal…" Normal. Ha. Like not hang out with a vampire. Her comment reminded me just how much she had been through today; my confession seemed so long ago, though it had just been this morning.

"Yeah, I didn't realize it was getting to be so late. Would you like me to leave before he gets here? I wasn't really supposed to be here anyways today… and I wouldn't want it to be an issue with the two of you." The last thing she needed was a strained relationship with her father.

"No!" Her answer came quickly and loudly, startling me. I almost asked her what was wrong, but she continued, "No. He's already met you, so it's fine that we were here. We can say your brothers were home and being loud or something, so we came back over here for the peace and quiet. Please stay for dinner. I mean… obviously you won't eat… hmmm… but will you stay?" _Ummm… let me think – YES._

"If you want me here, I wouldn't dream of leaving." Like I could ever leave her…

"Good," she said with a deep, satisfied sigh. As she settled back into my lap, I realized that she really, truly wanted me here. _Me_. After everything that had transpired today, she didn't want me to leave her. It was… heaven. I let my eyes shut for a few seconds so I could enjoy the wonderful feeling of being _wanted_.

Too soon, she moved to get up and start dinner. Her demeanor had changed entirely, and I was reminded of how she would change in class on lab days, using the class work as a way to avoid her from her issues. It appeared as though she used cooking to get the same result - distraction from the raging grief inside. "I would ask you what you'd like for dinner, but that would be a bit useless, huh?" She was looking up at me as we made our way into the kitchen.

I smiled down at her, "Here's what I want you to do: you make whatever you would normally make and I'll deal with it."

Her brow furrowed, "I just don't think this is going to work… you don't eat _food_. Holy shit. This isn't going to work. I can't even believe I'm having a conversation about this, you know?" _Tell me about it. _The concept of telling anyone what I am wasn't even an option until I met Bella. "I really think my dad is going to notice something. He's a cop for christsakes." I could feel her becoming more nervous as she spoke.

I kept a calm expression on my face and moved my hand to her cheek in an effort to assuage her fears, "Then I'll just have to take a few bites. It's not like it's going to kill me," I offered with a wry grin. As soon as my hand touched her face, she took a deep breath and seemed to calm down right in front of me.

"Really?" she asked with her head cocked to the side. "What do you mean? What happens?"

"What happens when I eat?" I asked to clarify her question. She nodded. "Well, I can chew and swallow food... it's just that my body has no way of digesting it. If I do need to consume some food this evening, I'll just have to… _expel_ it later." I really hoped she would get this without me having to spell it out for her – discussing vomit was probably the last thing she wanted to do while cooking dinner.

Bella mulled over what I said for a few moments while staring blankly into the pantry. She suddenly turned to me with the cutest expression on her face – nose wrinkled up in disgust, eyebrows drawn together. _Yeah, she figured it out._ "Ew! Really?"

I tried to brush it off, "It's not as bad as it sounds. I don't have any digestive enzymes… no bile at all… so it's rather dry… and I'm just making this worse, aren't I?" She was staring at me with a slightly horrified look on her face. _Way to completely gross her out._

"No, not worse. Just… um… I'll let you deal with that later." She turned abruptly and started pulling cookware out of various cabinets.

I was going to apologize and try to change the subject to something non-vomit related, but I didn't have to. The front door opened, and I heard the Chief's voice call out, "Bells? Is that Edward Cullen's car outside?" _Yup. I'm just basking in the presence of your daughter, don't mind me._

She glanced at me briefly before calling out, "Yeah… we're in the kitchen dad!"

Now, I don't care if you are an actual seventeen year old boy or a 372 year old vampire pretending to be a seventeen year old boy, police uniforms make you sit up a bit straighter. So, when Chief Swan came around in the corner into the kitchen – with his gun belt still on, mind you – I immediately stood from my chair and extended my hand. "Good to see you again, Sir."

Apparently, I had no reason to be nervous though as he took my hand warmly and smiled. "Good to see you too, Edward. Decided to study here again today?"

"Yes, sir. We-"

But Bella cut me off before I could explain, "Edward's brothers and sisters were all home today – they're off school too. It was really hard to concentrate with so many people around, so we came over here. I hope that's okay."

"Oh, yeah," he replied, "That's fine. Will Edward be joining us for dinner?" The question was directed at Bella, but he was looking in my direction with raised eyebrows.

I nodded to him while Bella answered, "Yeah, I'm just starting dinner. Is pasta okay with you guys? Maybe a fettuccini?" She was asking us both, but looking at me. Pasta was perfect – easy to move around and easy to… get rid of, if need be.

I spoke softly, "Pasta sounds wonderful. What would you like me to help with?"

"Nothing, you can just sit and keep me company." This made sense. Based on what I had learned from her the other day when I tried to make soup, she seemed to be very protective of her kitchen utensils.

I, however, was not about to let her do all of the work for a meal that I wasn't even going to eat, "Let me at least set the table, Bell."

She looked up sharply and seemed to consider my suggestion. After a few seconds of internal debate, she relented, "Yeah. Sure… here, I'll show you where everything is."

Her father was still in the kitchen, and he cleared his throat before speaking as if he didn't want to interrupt our exchange, "I'll just run upstairs to shower and change… what's it going to be? About thirty minutes?"

"Yeah, about thirty," she answered him absently.

"Okay, see you kids in a bit," he responded gruffly before turning abruptly and making his way up the stairs.

~E~

Once the table was set, I did as I was asked and kept Bella company while staying out of the way. After spending weeks sitting up on the hillside by her home, having to use my imagination about what she could possibly be doing inside… this was like my greatest fantasy come to life. Well, not my greatest fantasy, as that involved Bella in far less clothing and me doing far more touching, but this was a close second.

Watching Bella cook was captivating. She moved around the kitchen with such purpose and grace… it was obvious that she felt completely at home here, and that cooking was second nature to her. I found myself wishing I could truly enjoy the meal she was preparing for me. It was such a shame that I wouldn't be able to taste the oregano she was carefully mixing into the sauce or the garlic on the bread that was warming in the oven.

The thirty minutes went by rather quickly, and soon Chief Swan was back down in the kitchen grabbing a beer out of the refrigerator and asking me if water was okay with my meal. _No, disgusting. _But I sucked it up and answered politely, "Water would be fine, thank you."

As soon as her father had come back down and into the kitchen, I felt Bella tense up in front of the stove on the other side of the room. She really was nervous about this dinner going well. Sensing her anxiety, I made my way over and stood behind her while she put the finishing touches on the pasta sauce.

I let my hand rest gently on her shoulder while I leaned in and whispered quietly into her ear, "Bella, love… it's going to be fine. It's going to be just fine."

She turned her head to face me and whispered back, "Thank you… I needed that." _Yeah, I know. Apparently I can tell when you're distressed._

"You're welcome. Now… let's eat!" I said with a smile, letting the last part of my statement come out loudly so her father could hear my fake enthusiasm.

Dinner… actually went surprisingly well.

I only had to take a few bites of the food, and while I had been expecting the third degree from Chief Swan – I mean, this guy didn't make it to Chief of Police for nothing – his questions were polite and inquisitive, not demanding at all. I found answering them to be relatively easy.

When he asked about my family, I lied. When he asked about my reasons for moving to Alaska, I lied. When he asked how I was liking school, I lied. Come to think of it, I lied about pretty much everything. Of course, he didn't know that… but just knowing that I had to lie to Bella's father left a bad taste in my mouth – a taste that had nothing to do with the food I was forced to eat, though that was pretty disgusting as well. I couldn't help but leave the table wondering what he thought of me.

_Especially_ when Bella wouldn't let me help with the dishes. I felt like a compete douchebag for not helping her clean up after she spent all that time cooking, but she shooed me into the living room saying that she found it enjoyable. _Riiight. And I like men._ However, since the absolute last thing I wanted to do was argue with her over something as fucking ridiculous as _the dishes_, I let it go.

~E~

And that's how I ended up in the living room. Alone.

Suddenly, without any warning whatsoever, Charlie Swan was standing inches from me. I didn't hear him come in the room; I don't know how the fuck I missed it. Okay, that's a lie… I missed it because I was staring through the doorway to the kitchen completely enthralled while Bella washed and dried the dishes. Her small frame moved fluidly from the sink to the drying rack… back and forth… the way her hips swayed slightly was almost eroti-

"Son, I think you and I need to have a chat before she gets done in there." _Well, _that_ killed the moment._

My eyes grew wide as I whipped my head toward the sound of his voice and I came face to face with the Chief. Thinking quickly, I smoothed out my shocked expression and steadily replied, "Of course, sir."

His eyes traveled a circle from my right ear… to my lip… to my left ear… and back to my eyes. For some reason, watching him take in the outward expressions of my social defiance left me feeling… nervous. I genuinely wanted his approval. When he finally cleared his throat to speak, he said the last thing I ever expected, "You're a good kid."

_Actually, sir, I'm a lethal predator. But since I crave your daughter, we'll let that slide and go with what you said._ "Uh… thanks."

"I mean it. I wasn't sure about you at first… but after dinner tonight, I can tell you're a bright kid. A good kid. And after yesterday… I think you could be good for her." He motioned with his eyes towards his daughter in the kitchen.

"Yesterday?" I asked, confused. _What did I do yesterday to impress him?_

He took a deep breath – looking slightly uncomfortable and avoiding eye contact – before speaking, "Well, I… I'm not very good at this. Never have been. I think that's why my Bells in there is having so much trouble these days, to tell you the truth. She's too much like me." He paused, but I could tell he wasn't finished so I merely nodded my understanding and waited for him to continue. After a few tense moments, he brought his eyes to mine and stated, "I heard her. Yesterday. When you two were in here going over all of those books… she talked to you. She told you a story… about Brandon. I haven't even heard her say his name since July, let alone talk about him so freely. But she talked to you." It wasn't a question.

I wasn't quite sure how to respond to that. _Yes, sir. I share a special connection with your daughter that has allowed her to open up to me. See, it all has to do with the fact that I'm a vampire… and we have this 'vampire-soul-mate' thing going on… I'm not sure how to explain it exactly. But I do know that I want to spend forever with her._ Definitely not the way to go. The Chief still looked like he had more to say so I simply answered, "Uh… yeah. She talked to me."

His eyes again snapped to mine, "So. She's told you what happened then?"

"Yes, sir."

"How much did she… uh… tell you?" He was skirting around the issue of her suicide attempt, probably wondering if she had been able to talk about that as well as the accident. I felt awful. Here I was, a perfect stranger, telling this guy that I might know more about how his daughter was feeling than he did.

"Honestly, sir? I'm almost certain she's gone through most of it. I mean… she hasn't go into too much detail… but she spoke about the accident, as well as what happened after." I saw a brief shot of pain pass through his face – whether it was for remembering her attempted suicide or for the fact that she had opened up to a stranger, I wasn't sure – but it was very quickly replaced by relief.

The tension he had been holding in his shoulders left abruptly; I watched as his eyes slipped closed and he let out a long breath, murmuring, "Good... that's good." When he opened them again, they were glistening with unshed tears; he blinked rapidly to hide them while I respectfully pretended not to see them. "I was so worried… I thought…"

Chief Swan was momentarily at a loss for words, but I knew that if we didn't hurry this little talk up Bella would be finished with the dishes and we wouldn't be able to continue. "Yes… well… I don't blame you sir. For being worried, that is. It's… uh… it's rough what she's had to deal with this year."

He let out a long sigh, "Yeah… rough. Too rough. And too much. She shouldn't ever have had to deal with this kind of pain… it's too hard on her. I'm afraid she's going to-" He stopped himself as though he had gone too far and scrutinized my expression; he must have liked what he saw in my eyes, because he continued, "Edward, I'm afraid she's going to shut down again. She's… not talking. To anyone but you. She's bottling it up… and I can't… I can't go through that with her again. She's… _everything_ to me. She's all I have left."

His voice had become strong, but… pleading? Was he asking for my help with his daughter? _Do I tell him what she asked of me? _If I told Chief Swan about Bella asking me for help, I was potentially breaking the tentative trust that we had. But looking into the pleading eyes of her father – the one person from her former life who had yet to abandon this grieving girl – I knew I had to give him something. "Sir?"

"Yeah?"

"I think… well, I think you need to know something."

"What's that?"

"This afternoon – right before you came home actually – she um… asked me for help. She told me that she couldn't do it alone anymore."

That broke him.

His eyes closed and a lone tear fell down his cheek.

"And what did you say?" he asked, his eyes still closed.

The time for dancing around the truth was over. I went for straight-up honesty with my answer, "I told her I would help her. I told her I would do anything for her." While I spoke, he brought his hands up and rubbed his eyes furiously in attempt to dry the tears. Once he had focused back on me, I met his gaze head on. My voice was almost trembling with the depth of emotions that I felt, "Your daughter is… Bella is amazing. She is beautiful and kind and generous and… in a lot of pain. And it kills me. I mean it when I say I would do anything for her. Anything."

It was my turn to plead with him. I had to let this man know that I would be good to his daughter… be good _for_ his daughter. If I was going to spend time with her and help her overcome the crippling despair that her life had become so entrenched in, I would need his support and trust. _Try not to look too undead. _It must have worked because he took in a deep calming breath and started sizing me up again.

Chief Swan was back. "Well, then. That's good. I expect I'll be seeing you around more often," was all he said as he made his way over to the recliner in the corner. I could see that Bella was wiping down the kitchen table – almost finished with what I could have easily helped her with. As I moved towards the doorway, I heard her father call out one last question, "So, she lets you call her 'Bell'?"

I turned abruptly, caught off guard. _Did I call her that? I must have… _I suddenly recalled a brief moment from the kitchen earlier – _Let me at least set the table, Bell. _"Yeah… well, I guess she did today at least. I didn't even notice I did it… why?"

He looked thoughtful for a moment before replying softly, "That's what Brandon called her."

"Oh." What the hell was an appropriate response to _that_? "Maybe… maybe she didn't notice…" was all I could come up with.

He smiled wistfully, "She noticed. She made Renee – her mother – stop using that nickname the day she woke up in the hospital. Believe me. She noticed." With that, he clicked on the TV, put ESPN on mute and picked up the paper, effectively ending the conversation.

The last thing I heard from Chief Swan as I made my way into the kitchen was a soft question, "Hey, kid?"

"Yes, sir?"

"Call me Charlie."

~E~

The two days before Thanksgiving were tense for me, but I tried not to let it show. Bella didn't talk about anything but our project – there was nothing said about my mild vampirism issue or her own severe depression. How could she completely ignore everything that happened between us? It was almost like Monday had been a figment of my imagination, and it was making me edgy as fuck.

Rationally, I knew that she was most likely putting it aside until she could deal with it… but still. I thought we had made more progress than that. I thought… well, I thought we'd at least be able to talk openly now. Apparently that was not the case.

Thursday was Thanksgiving, and when Charlie asked me about my plans for the holiday, "spending time with my family" is what I came up with. Technically, this was true. _We are spending time together… hunting animals and draining them of blood for sustenance… because we are vampires. _So I left that part out. Sue me.

But by the time Thursday rolled around, things didn't go quite as planned. As much as I knew I needed to hunt, I hated being away from Bella. The past few days had left me accustomed to spending almost every waking moment with her – well, all of _her_ waking moments, that is – and leaving the area for a hunting trip with the others was simply out of the question.

Because I couldn't stand to be far from her, and because she was turning me into a "pussy whipped tool" (thank you, Emmett, for that lovely imagery), I made everyone stay local. Initially, Emmett was pissed at me since it was my fault we were staying near Denali National Park, but something Alice said must have changed his mind. He was still grumbling about it, but his accusations were less pointed at me. _I really hope she told him how completely fucking lost I am over this girl. That would be awesome._

But Emmett being pissed wasn't the only issue of the day… I was moodier than a goddamn preteen girl and I couldn't stop myself from lashing out at my family for no reason whatsoever. After seven hours, nine kills and three fist fights with Emmett and Jasper, Alice's tiny body came out of nowhere and collided into mine, effectively stopping my chase.

"What the _fuck_, Alice!" I growled at her.

"What's up with you today?" Her innocent eyes were wide and searching.

"Nothing," I answered with a snarl.

She ignored my overt rudeness and kept going, "No… something's not right. You just punched Em in the face for calling you Eddie. What the hell, Edward? Isn't that a bit extreme?"

"You know I can't _stand_ it when he calls me that. He needed to stop, so I stopped him." I was blatantly ignoring the fact that my reaction was in fact _way_ over the top and completely uncalled for. I knew that, but I couldn't do anything about it. My anger was running the show… something that hadn't happened in, well… ever.

She narrowed her eyes at me, "Yeah… but you don't normally resort to physical violence. That's not your thing…"

"Alice," I growled lowly, "just fucking let it go." I couldn't deal with this. It felt like bugs were crawling all over me. I wanted to jump out of my skin.

She didn't respond at first, just studied my face carefully. After a painful thirty seconds, her eyes widened and she grabbed my arm. "It's Bella!" she whispered intently. "It's got to be."

Alarm bells went off in my head, "What's Bella?" _If Bella is in trouble, I am going to rip someone's fucking face off. _

"Your attitude. It's got to be Bella… that's the only explanation." Alice was smiling smugly now, as though she had figured out the cure for cancer or some shit like that. I wanted to throw her into the nearest river.

"Only explanation for what!" I shouted at her. "Jesus Christ, Alice. What's with the cloak and dagger shit… just fucking tell me what you're talking about, because I'm getting pretty tired of this conversation!"

She quickly put her hands up in surrender, "Sorry, sorry… geez… give me a second here to organize my thoughts."

"Time's up."

"Alright…" she drawled while rolling her eyes. "It seems to me like a part of your bond with Bella might include a strong emotional connection… like, _really_ strong. Jas and I often feel what the other person is feeling, but it doesn't go much beyond a few hundred yards. Emmett and Rose don't have anything like that. But then, I guess you don't really need an emotional alarm when you're literally attached to each other at all times. Theirs is a more physical bond to begin with, you know?"

"Alice…" I warned. The absolute last fucking thing I wanted to talk about at this point in time was Emmett and Rose's sex life.

"Sorry, just got a bit off track there. Anyways, if Jas is having a particularly bad day.. or if I'm watching a particularly sad movie or something, we can feel that. It's like… a way for us to know that our mate needs us. Needs to be comforted… loved. But I've never heard of it travelling this far before. You must be completely attuned to each other, more than I've ever seen. It's really incredible."

"Incredible, my ass! I don't even know who I am today!" My hands were pulling at my hair and I'm quite sure I looked deranged. _Escaped mental patient… this winter's new 'it' look._

She laughed. She fucking laughed. "You're probably just not used to _feeling_ anything. There is such a fine line between anger and all of the other emotions… I bet you just don't know how to deal with what you're feeling." I glared at her. I knew how to deal with shit just fine on my own. Mostly. "Just go home Edward. Go to Bella. She needs you… and we need you to leave so we can eat in peace."

"Fine," I growled. And as soon as the word left my lips, I felt better. I was going to Bella. It was where I had wanted to be all day anyways. It was where I was supposed to be.

~E~

Walking up to the Swan's door, I realized that I didn't even have my car with me which could prove to be an interesting conversation if Charlie noticed… but I didn't have it in my heart to care. Running here was the fastest option, and I wanted to get to Bella as quickly as possible.

Knocking swiftly, it briefly entered my mind that I really had no valid reason for stopping by unannounced, but the door swung open before I could come up with a good excuse. Charlie looked surprised to see me, "Edward! I wasn't expecting you today. I thought you were celebrating the holiday with your family…" He looked at me expectantly, waiting for me to explain what the hell I was doing on his front porch on Thanksgiving Day.

"I'm… uh… I came to see Bella?" I meant to sound determined, but it came out as a question. I was really hoping he wasn't going to press the issue too much. As it was, I had to physically restrain myself from forcing my way into the house in search of my angel. _You've got fifteen seconds, old man… then I'm busting my way in._

Luckily, it didn't come to that. After studying my panicked expression for a few moments, Charlie moved aside and motioned for me to come in. "Are you okay, son?"

"Yeah. I'm fine. Where's Bella? Is she here? How is she?" My voice came out strained and loud, and I mentally smacked myself on the forehead. Coming across as a complete raving lunatic wasn't the way to stay on this guy's good side. Taking a deep breath, I tried again, "Sorry… what I meant was… is Bella here?"

He met my gaze straight on, "She's upstairs."

"Thank you," I said as I went to make my way to the stairs, but I felt Charlie's hand on my arm. Looking over my shoulder, I stopped dead in my tracks as soon as I saw the pained look on his face. "What is it?"

"She's-" his voice cracked, and he had to clear his throat and start over. "She's in her room. We had an early dinner… that's what Renee always did on Thanksgiving. I helped her with the dishes, and she kept trying to call her mother. I can't… I tried to get her to come back down… I thought maybe we could hang out while the games are on, or something. But she won't talk to me and she won't get out of bed." God, I really felt for the guy. He truly loved his daughter so much, and judging by the look on his face… her pain was killing him. "I… I just don't know what else I can do for her."

Instead of ignoring him and pushing my way up the stairs – which I really wanted to fucking do, but Charlie was a good man and I didn't want to disrespect his home – I politely asked, "May I go up?"

With a deep sigh he softly answered, "Please… please try to get through to her. I can't…" He was at a complete loss when it came to Bella. I was his best option. _If he only knew…_

"Okay," I said with a curt nod of my head. My voice came out louder than I meant for it to, determination lacing my tone.

"Her room is on the right at the top of the stairs."

_I know. See, I've been watching your home for about two months now from that hill over there. All night, every night. But not in a creepy way, I swear. I can tell by the layout of the house which room is hers._ "Thanks."

~E~

Bella's door was cracked slightly; perhaps Charlie had left it open a bit in case she cried out. I pushed it open easily, and was immediately immersed in the scent of _Bella_. My eyes scanned the room, quickly landing on the bed where I could barely make out her small form. She was buried underneath a mountain of blankets and quilts, looking so damn tiny and alone.

_I should have been here. I should have been here all fucking day._

I made my way slowly around to the side of the bed she was facing and gingerly sat down near the pillows. Her eyes were closed, but her breathing didn't sound as though she was asleep. I spent about three seconds debating whether or not to reach out and physically touch her, my own desires ultimately winning out. It was just too hard to be near her when she was hurting and _not_ touch her. Running my fingers through her silky hair, I couldn't believe how much my life had changed. I was in Bella's bedroom, sitting on her bed, actually fucking touching her. All of the emotional confusion and anger from earlier today was gone… she took all of that away.

"Edward?" She knew it was me without even opening her eyes.

"Yes, love. It's me. I'm here." I kept my voice soft while gently running my hand down her cheek.

"Mmm… you came," she whispered. She shifted toward me, opened her eyes and looked up at me from the pillow. Her pupils were slightly dilated… I wondered what she had taken.

I moved down on the bed so that I was lying next to her, my body facing hers. I kept my voice calm and low when I asked, "What happened, Bell?"

Her face twisted up in agony and tears trailed toward the pillow, "I can't…" Her voice was barely audible. "I can't do it anymore…" _Oh my God… I can't do this either. _It was no wonder her father was falling apart. Seeing her in such despair was agonizing, but I had to keep going if I was going to figure out what she meant by that statement. If she was thinking that she couldn't go on without her brother anymore, it was going to destroy me.

I took a moment to wrap my arms around her before gathering up the courage to ask, "What is it, Bell? What can't you do anymore?" _Please… please want to live… _

The few seconds that I waited for her answer felt like an eternity. Just the thought that my angel could leave me was inconceivable now that I had found her. With a shuttering breath, she answered softly, "I just can't talk to her anymore. It's too hard." _Oh thank GOD._

"You don't have to." It was her stupid mother. Ihad never wanted to punch a woman in the face more than I did at this moment.

"But… I… I... it's just not fair!" her voice was stronger now.

"What's not fair?" Either I wasn't following this conversation well, or I needed to get my girl off the drugs. _I'm going to go with the latter. _However, it was too late to do anything about that today. The damage was done. _Because I wasn't fucking here to stop her. _

"She said she would call. I had to call her. Seven times. Seven. Seven different times until she finally answered the phone. Is it too much to ask to talk to your mom on Thanksgi-ving?" Bella's voice cracked on the last word and she curled into my chest, breathing deeply.

"No, love… that's not too much to ask." I began rubbing one of my hands along her back in what I hoped was a soothing circle.

"It's just not fair… you know? I mean… fucking Fiji!" Okay, I now officially had absolutely no idea what she was talking about.

"Sweetheart?"

She sighed deeply, "Yeah?"

"Fiji?"

"Yeah. She's in fucking Fiji and couldn't answer her goddamn phone because sometimes the phone satellite thing fucks up and doesn't forward calls to the brand spanking new international cell phone Phil got for her." Bella had gone from crying to angry in about five seconds flat and was apparently very fond of profanity at this point in time.

"Oh." What was I supposed to say to that? Your Mom's a bitch?

Apparently I didn't need to say anything, because she just kept right on going, "Yeah. I know, right? My mom is living it up in Fiji and I'm falling apart in this snowbound wasteland. I don't even know who I am anymore. I mean… I'm struggling to find a reason to get out of my own fucking bed in the morning, and she's on a damn vacation. Fuck! It's just not fair."

"No, it's not fair." I mean, what was I supposed to say? _It sounds like your mom is ignoring the situation that happened with you and your brother, and that Phil is enabling her to do so. What you are doing, though difficult, is much better and healthier in the long run. Except for that thing with the pills. That is going to stop. Tomorrow._ Something told me she wouldn't want to hear that… especially not right now in her altered state. So, I agreed with her. "None of this is fair. You shouldn't have to deal with any of it… and if I could take it away, I would. But I can't. So I'm going everything I can to help you, okay?"

"okay." God, she sounded so defeated. It broke my heart. "Edward?"

"Yes?"

"Is this part of that stuff I'm too afraid to talk about?" Her question was a bit garbled, but I was going to assume she meant, 'was my being here a result of our supernatural vampire connection.'

"Yes. I think so."

"I think I want to talk about that now. But tomorrow."

I had to stifle a laugh at her ridiculous rhetoric, "Okay. We'll talk tomorrow. Why don't you try to get some sleep, Bell."

Bella was still curled on her side against my chest, her head buried between us. And _ohmyGod_ being this close to her was the most phe-fucking-nomenal thing that had ever happened to me in my entire life. Moving my hand from her back, I began slowly running my fingers through her long, silky hair again. "Mmmmm… that feels so good… I'm so glad you're here…" My heart soared. Me. She wanted me.

"There's nowhere else I'd rather be." And that was the fucking truth.

~E~

Long after Bella fell asleep in my arms, I heard movement in the hallway. Charlie peeked his head in the room and met my eyes. After a few moments, he nodded once and made his way down the hall to bed.

* * *

**A/N**: Self-Pimpage time! Want to see what I've been up to during my hiatus? Well then, I urge you all to read my one-shots… **Custom Built** won First Place in the Men at Work Contest and **A Different Kind of Southern** won Third Place and Judge's Choice in the Southern Twi-Nights Contest. All links to stories, banners, blogs, etc are on my profile.

Thank you to all who are still reading. To quote Edward, your support is… phe-fucking-nomenal.


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